The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You all know I have had a tough few months... And I have shared all this with you......I have not yet done my step four.... But this week I can feel something chainging within myself......I don't know what I would call it.......Maybe a Spiritual Awakening is too BIG a word..lol Any way I have admitted to my self today that I have become obsessed with a person in my life for a long number of years.....Being obsessed was a scarey word for me..I thought It meant I was a stalker...(lol my f2f laughed at that one ). I have had Obsessional Compulsive Disorder for a few years...But I thought that was all about things I done..Checking windows, doors are locked..etc.. I never knew it included behaviours in regards to people....
Being obsessed to me has been like....Putting this person first in my life....Doing for him....People pleasing.....I believed I knew him better than anyone else....I wanted to protect him....Keep him safe form everything....Keep him sober......Keep him focused on his programme....I even believed I knew what was best for him...Better than his HP..(okok).lol I tried to keep him smiling.....Keep him positive about himself....Not letting him slip....I probably tried to control him too.... Chase him to meetings when he didn't go..lol.. Yep I could fix this person all on my own.....
I also have noticed a whole lot of characteristics about myself..... I am selfish...I want to end my life, with no thought to others... I have the belief , They will be better off without me...... I am scared of a whole lot of things in my life...And when I am scared I take things out on everyone.....I ignore my responsabilities when I'm in a depression.....And I think I can get away with "I don't care"....... Also Blame.....I blame everyone for my troubles.....I blame alcohol for my childhood troubles.... I blame my work....my family.....my friends... .I feel really sad and have had enough sometimes...And I just don't know how to carry on with living....Also Al-Anon sometimes....Why did I come here...It's not working....lol
So I am looking deep within me and seeing things I don't like......
There is also a saying, "Everything happens for a reason", Why has the last few months been full of pain and suffering for me...... What has it all been for......I have thought and thought and I can find no answers for this.......I had a few months of happiness in my life....I always new It wouldn't last.... Because I dont expect happiness to come to me and stay with me.... So was I happy....Yes....Would I change the last few months..No....I have wonderful memories that no-one can take from me.........Was this sent to tell me something....show me something....was it to make me grow up....who knows....I have struggled through this time....and still struggling...it has been one of the hardest times of my life......Maybe now is not the right time in my life for what I want.....Maybe I have to find myself..Care for myself...love myself....Before I can do any of those things for someone else.
What do I think of Me???? Well I have always felt different from anyone else....Not good enough....pretty enough.......clever enough......happy enough.......etc......But now I can look at what I do have......i have kindness in my heart... I have patience and understanding for the sick, elderly, kids, animals, etc... I have honesty...loyalty....and trust.... I give all I have to people....some one said to me the other night...."Ally Girl", you wont have anything left for you, you give it all away.....Also I have a remarkable sense of humour....I pull people out of their despair with a few words or a look..lol...
I have loads to give within the fellowship both AA and Al-Anon...And sharing my experiences at f2f and MIP, is wonderful for me...It gives me a whole new sense of belonging and self worth. I can offer support to people in desperation and actually help them..lol.. Someone told me I had a gift, a glow about me for all to see..... I am speaking to people in AA all the time on MIP and I'm getting insight from them.. It's all a learning curve for me...They are the ones who started this programme and it's amazing how much they can get to me. Make me see things in me I have never seen before....
So what now for me...eh!!! Well I have three things to learn in my immediate future..."Acceptance", "Detachment" & "Facing reality"......This is the first step in my recovery... "I have no power over anyone except Ally...And my life is a complete mess in every aspect....Physically, Mentally and Spiritually....
I need to put the focus on myself.....I can still feel for other people...Love them for who they are...Be there for them.. If the need me...That will never change ....I also realise..They need to work on themselves too....Healing is a long proccess....And we all go through it....
I Would like to thank everyone for being here and supporting me throughout the last few months...You all make me feel worth something...Your Experience, Strength & Hope is what drives me to carry on...
