The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has to go to see his family for his Grandmothers funeral. They are all A’s, and he has to stay with them. I’m not really so much worried about him using again. It’s the constant lieing. They lie to each other and treat each other terribly. He is finally learning to treat us like a h and father should treat his family.
I am so afraid of him going back there. Things are so much better for our family, but I am really afraid of losing all the progress we have made. I keep telling myself it will be fine, but I’m not really sure.
Also, I have so many conflicting feelings. I used to feel that his mom and I had a pretty good relationship. But, he told her so many lies. She won’t even talk to me now unless he asks her too. I know I shouldn’t expect anything from her, but I feel very hurt by how she treated me while he was gone.
He’s not even going for two more days and I already feel abandoned. We can’t all go as a family, and I really wanted to go together when the time came. But of course they didn’t bother to share with us the possibility that her death was imminent. So we really didn’t get to make any plans. We are borrowing from my mother just so he can get there.
I really don’t want to make this any harder on him. I don’t want to put him in the middle, but at the same time I have told him that his own family( wife and kids) should come first and it hurts that he has never put us first. He has always kept us isolated, so that his family acts like I am just an annoying appendage. They want pics of the kids and all, but don’t even ask about me when they call.
I guess this is a hard one to detach from because it doesn’t come up often. It just comes up kind of out of the blue once in a while.
Anyway, thanks all for letting me get it out.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
"They" say it takes 30 days to make a habit. I don't think a weekend at his parents house is going to change a learned behavior. He'll be ok. It actually might be good for him to see why he is the way he is with clear eyes. But as for the parents, I would give them pics of the kids so they see how beautiful they are and I would be the bigger person. :) It will be ok and over before you know it.
Jen, I can relate the abandon issue. But this is something we have learned from past experience. Don't go there. Also I was told this "What if's" are part of our decease. He'll be back and everything will be fine. Trust your HP. He/she, always will take care of us.
Sounds like this whole situation is just SAD. I'd say it is par for the course considering all you described. It's OK to feel sadness and grief when "rejected" or overlooked by people who are important to you (even though you know they can be toxic).
Have you thought that maybe he may see them differently this time?
My A has been sober for over a year. He went to see some golfing/drinking friends at the bar. He said he could see how sad it all really was. He was seeing it from the other side for the first time.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks you guys. I realized too that I had really wanted to go to the funeral for myself too. I really respected this woman. Also, I feel left out of a really important event in my h's life. This was someone he saw every day as he grew up, so its important.
I had a really emotional breakdown yesterday evening and got the energy out. Then I talked to my h honestly about it and he was very understanding and supportive. I feel much better about the whole thing now.
Also, my H has been wonderful today making sure we have everything we will need while he is gone (firewood, water for the house,feed for the animals,etc.). A big first for him.
Thanks for your support. It is nice to have someplace to go when you can't leave home.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
