The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the last few weeks or so, there have been quite a few things going on in my life that are fairly stressful. I'm handling everything more or less OK, but I find I have a stronger than normal need to vent, to talk things out. So, I'm turning to my (sober) A to share what's going on in my life, and (big surprise here) I'm not really getting a lot of satisfaction. He barely can stand still to listen long enough for me to let him know what is going on, forget about letting me vent, or bitch a little.
And, I find this is making me pretty resentful. Whenever he is going through anything, I listen to him going on and on and on, way longer than I really want to. I spend a lot of my time being his shoulder to cry on, his sounding board, his support. It's all right for him to bitch for an hour about his sister, or his job, but let ME need 10 minutes, and, nope, it's not happening.
I think a big part of the problem is that, even after all these years ( I should know better....), I expect some reciprocity in this relationship. I do things for him, in the expectation that somewhere down the road, he will do the same for me. Trouble is, A's don't work this way. He's nowhere near as bad about this as he was when drinking - now, if I point it out, he will make an effort, for a while at least. However, this is not something that comes natural to him, and he usually falls right off again as soon as I stop demanding it. So, I could demand he listen to me, and for a while I will get some satisfaction and cooperation. But, I think I am going to try another approach instead.
Part one of this is to remember to let go of my expectations - don't expect an alcoholic to act like a non-alcoholic. Part two is to find other ways to get my needs met - there are other people in my life I can go to with my problems, he's not my only friend. Part three is to stop building future resentments. From now on I am going to make a real effort to only give as much as I *want* to give, rather than giving too much and then being mad when he doesn't pay it back. I'll listen to his venting for as long as I am interested and feeling sympathetic, and then I will change the subject or leave. Since I can't depend on him to keep things fair in a "You wash my back I'll wash yours" exchange, I need to depend on myself to keep some balance there. As long as I am not building up resentments, and am still getting all my needs met, I don't need to be angry with him. He can be the person he is, without it hurting me.
i was just thinking tonight........, he can go to town and politly listen to someone he says he doesn't like, and, can't give me a few minutes to discuss something i find interesting !!???!?!?
something i have noticed......., when i get my own friends to talk to, start going out, talk to other people, all of a sudden he is interested in what i am doing and what i have to say.
go figure ? cunning, baffling, suttle.
i also thinks it has to do with the '' all about me '' attitude of the alcoholic. if i want his attention, he is creating an environment of getting attention by ignoring me. if i don't want his attention, he creates an environment of getting attention by declaring he is interested in me and what i have to say.
when all is said and done........, it is ALL ABOUT ME and, how i am going to deal with the situation.
today i was thinking, if i ever did leave him, it would be because i can't stand how I FEEL ABOUT WHAT HE DOES. it has nothing to do with what he is doing. if he was choking me or hitting my poor little dog like the other lady that posted here recently, then, yes, i would leave him for what he has done.
i don't know if this rambling makes sense to you, but, that is how my thoughts have been going lately. even with my daughter and her life style. I HATE IT . if i turn my back on her and walk out of her life, i know it will be because she is not living up to my expectations, and, the sad sometimes explosive feelings i have are because she is not doing what i want her to do with her life. the more i struggle with her, the more she struggles to prove her independence to do what she wants.
i am also learning to express my concerns or point of view in a clear consice voice and leave it there. i do not want to dignify the situation by prolonging the circumstances with an argument, which sometimes seems to be what they want. an argument makes me feel quilty and then POOF they have done nothing to contribute to the situation. it 's me again, they'll say, she just can't leave well enough alone, nit picks till we fight. there is no fight if i change the way i deal with the matter.
i am trying to remember tradition 12 on a regualr basis....., '' practice these priniciples in all our affairs''.
