The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hubby and I started the weekend out well. Went out to a very nice dinner Fri. evening. We actually sat and talked face to face. It was really the only time we had eaten together all week. He's been across the street at his friend's house drinking every.single.night. Sat. morning, he had to work for a few hours. While he was gone, I came to chat, read on the board, read some in my books...then started spring tossing. I have so much junk, it is smothering us. I have the car packed for a trip to Goodwill today. Hubby fell asleep on the couch, while I went to store, and even went to the meat market for special steaks we like. I got home, he went outside and started a fire, and started burning all the huge tree limbs from trees we had trimmed in the fall. Then he started drinking. Then he disappeared. I mean, I could still see him, but he just wasn't there. I went outside to see if he wanted some help, I love to play in fire too. He always complains I never come outside with him. So now I do, and now he doesn't need or want any company. Sigh. I was feeling really weepy. I came inside, and pretty soon he hollared in the door "where'd you go? You can come outside if you want to, I just didn't want you to hurt your back anymore." (I had strained my back at work, and have had a heating pad on it all week in the evenings.) So, I went back outside, it actually felt good to exercise a little, and it was a nice day. He totally ignored my presence except to tell me I wasn't throwing the sticks in the fire correctly. Big Sigh. After about an hour I came back in and finished up the laundry. Got out the old box of letters and cards from him. So much love before the alcoholism got worse. He used to write me love letters. Not anymore. I sat on the bed and wept, sobbed. It is a good thing he was outside and couldn't hear me. How I grieve for what we once had. I finally pulled myself out of the dumps, and I felt that oldfamiliar ache in my tummy and lower back. OMG. THAT is why I have been so weepy all day. Now I have cramps. I am going thru menopause, so just never know when this thing will hit. That is why I was feeling sad and nervous all day, but I didn't know. Felt like I was gonna jump out of my skin. I went back outside, now he has a chair pulled up by the fire. He knows I am walking across the yard, and he never even acknowledges my presence again. A few years ago, he would have sensed that I was there, and turned around and smiled and say "Hey, Baby!" I said "looks like the fire is going good." He never looked at me or responded, and I was sitting right beside him. I started to get weepy again, so I just turn away so he can't see my face, tears streaming. I will not let him know how much this hurts me. After a couple of minutes, I came back in the house, put on my fuzzy robe and settled in on the couch. When he finally came in about 2 hours later, I didn't acknowledge him either. Sometimes it is better that way. But....he didn't stand in the kitchen at the sink and drink like he usually does when he is angry. He actually came in the livingroom, and sat down and we watched a movie together....Waking The Dead. Appropriate title. Then we went to bed. I think the depression meds are helping me, though. I am getting better at not showing him all the hurt that is in me, because it doesn't matter to him, anyway.....and all it does is fuel the disease. When he makes me cry, THEN he has a reason to drink....because I'm not fun anymore....go figure. Anyway, am looking forward to my birthday, March 17. He hasn't said anything about it, and he is still mad because I supposedly messed his birthday up (I didn't! He did!) Last he said about my birthday he said he was going to make me miserable. So, if things start to look like they are going downhill here, I'm so outta here for that evening. I know there are parties everywhere, I'll just go down to some Irish Pub....at least the drinkers there will be happy! Sorry so long, just had a lot to get off my chest. Thank God for this board. This is my therapy. This is something I do for me. And if it helps anyone else, that is all the better. I am learning to take care of myself, and be in better control of my emotions. My life depends on it. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Beck I related to all you said, you were becki in a debilyn costume.
Mine too was that kind of man, cards, flowers, a neat old pot he found. Starting my jeep on cold mornings, opening doors for me. Kissing me hello and goodbye. coming up behind me and hugging.
teasing, holding hands. Yes we married very nice men who have a horrible disease that steals them from us.
I am so afriad for you. It gets worse. so much worse. When I thought it could not get any worse, it does and still does.
The man who treated me like the tender, emotional person I am, so carefully and said it tears me apart to hear you cry, now could not be any meaner to me. I have not changed at all. I am still the same lady.
Save those cards and all of it. You had a wonderful love in your life. He is dead now. I have NO desire to live with my AH anymore. His body is gross, unhealthy,stinky, green/yellow. He hangs with a woman who would be called a skank, slut, sick, nasty, just really icky. I don't call her anything. She is a sick woman too.
Becki it is so vital for you to think about what YOU want in your life. My experience is, my going for my dreams and making them happen, makes things easier to take. I wanted my husband since I was a child. Got him early so had some neat experiences.
But now I live my dream, simple home I can buildon myself, animals, simple old pickup. Dogs who love me.
I keep busy when I feel well. I love chores, building fences, sheds, barns, getting hay. It is how I want to live. How do you want to live? What does Becky want?
I cannot do anything when I live with A. He sucks the life out of me. The disease can cover my eyes and take over and I don't realize it. NO gardening, no grooming my dogs, no nothing.
I could not sleep with him anymore. I wanted love so bad, I just layed there and cried. NO sex, no kisses no nothing.
Never touching.
All I see in my head Beck is him in Goodwill with her, her buying him coats. Saying no reason you cannot have both. sick. Her toy. My man who had integrity, and was polite and kind is dead.
I put away all that was from him. I threw away all his stuff. I took off my beautiful wedding ring. I am not married at all anymore. There is NO connection at all. There is nothing left. He is wet brained now. I may be stupid to some, however I do not care.
I will not divorce him. I made vows and wll stick to them. When he dies or goes into hospice or whatever, I still want to be there for him and take care of it. I have to be married to him to be able to do that. I will get a R order for her to stay away.
She has cancer and will be dead soon. she is wasting away. Makes me sad really becki. AS now his disease is helping to kill her. I know he abuses her, I know he is sucking her life away.
Unless I meet someone and want to remarry, I will stay married to him. I doubt I will ever meet anyone. Not sure I want to. Is it worth the pain that comes with it? God beck I KNOW ho wyou cried alone and felt so dang lonely and knew if he heard you he would only get mad,or worse, completely ignore your pain.
It is so awful seeing our loved ones, but they are not there. just their bodies, pod people.
HOw horrible is it, to have someone who changes. love someone who is so insane? NO wonder we get mixed up in it. For petes sake we see them, we hear them, we smell them. but they are NOT there.
This disease is so awful. I am embarrased to say, I have wanted to go to A so many times, just to see him. I had this fantasy I would just hug him. And he would hug me back.
Yea right. I saw him and he could not get away from me fast enough. Two rotting people, confronted by a rosey cheeked, cute farm lady who has brains. sigh. hugs to you, lots of them. Please hon, if you can, go to people who love you. get hugs, give them. don't stay there in hell. I mean go visit, not telling you to leave.
I would go visit my loved ones if I had any. I would. Becki I lay in bed and want to go see someone and I go down my list and NO ONE is alive anymore. Please, go see someone and go let them hold you and cry it out.
Waking the Dead, huh? I like that, I feel like I have been awakened from the dead myself somedays when I think about what my life was like before al-anon and what it is like now.
I was at a meeting yesterday and heard a lady share about the way her birthday had gone for her last week. She shared how past birthdays had not gone well for her due to her expectations of what other people in her life would do on her birthday, so this year she planned her OWN birthday. She had it all worked out ahead of time and didnt let anyone "spoil" the day for her. She got up and treated herself to a wonderful breakfast, went out to a spa and got the full treatment, read a book and took a nap!
When family members called to wish her happy birthday she accepted their wishes gratefully. When some offered to change her plans, she gently told them thank you no, she already had plans.
I just loved the idea! She had a wonderful day taking care of and celebrating herself!
Sorry you're having such a rough time. I know it can suck. Be extra good to yourself. I remember those days. All I can send you is my extra love and prayers. Hold the kitties close. Piper was always a great comfort to me when things were at their worst. Something about the unconditional love of an animal always helps. Get some extra rest, it can do wonders.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss the kitties for me.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. Would you like me to send you Keith Urban to your house for your birthday?
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
So hard to deal with his isolation and depression, when you have your own, too. However, if possible, remember that this is not directed at you personally. It is easy, when we are feeling low, to blow it all up in our minds, when actually, not much is really happening at all.
Sometimes I am tempted to treat the A the way he sometimes treats me - just a grunt when I walk in, no goodbye when I leave,etc. Then I think "What kind of home do I want to live in? What kind of person do I want to be?" So instead of focusing on what he DOESN'T do, I try to focus on what *I* do - if I want to live in the kind of home where people get up and greet family when they come in the door, then I need to get up, do that greeting. If I want to leave the house with a kiss goodbye on my cheek, I need to go over to where he is and kiss HIM! It's all very well to think "I shouldn't have to, he should do it without asking, blah blah...." The word "Should" is not very useful to us - we are dealing with an illness. We have what we have, we need to either make the best of it, or get out and find better.
Thanks for all your ESH. I treat my A with love and respect every single day, because that is how I wish to be treated. I do not find much to be gained by being as nasty to him as he is to me sometimes. However, he has always been a really quiet, non-demonstrative type of guy where hand holding and hugs are not real high on his list. But they are on mine. So, I always kiss him Hello and Goodbye, even in the morning if he is not awake when I leave for work, I always kiss his head or his cheek, whatever I can reach. UNLESS he has been really over-the-top grouchy the night before, then I find it best to just leave him alone. I do not fight with him. I don't want to fight. All it does is hurt people. I do not say back the terrible things he says to me, and for some strange reason, I do not even want to. Now, with my ex-husband, I would say anything and everything, no matter how mean. A lot of times, I just know my AH is hurting really bad, and takes it out on me. I don't have to take it, I realize this. I can get in the car and go somewhere. Many times I feel that he does not have control over what he says when he is drinking. Behind the words are a diseased, hurting person. I do try to not take it personally, and I do pretty good most of the time. But when the hormones are acting up too, the tears come streaming in.... Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead! Love in Recovery, Becky1
I don't understand a few things. Why would you go to a bar where there are more alcoholics? It honestly sounded like your husband was being very nice. It sounded like you were having a pitty party for yourself. I can say this to you because I used to do it. Sometimes the problem was me trying to conjure(sp) up something to be upset about. People change. Granted you would like him without alcohol but it doesn't sound like the tone you had was that he was willing to quit drinking. Keep in mind I don't know anything about your previous posts or stories. When our lives (even with alcohol in them) seem too normal it makes an alert go off in our heads and we wonder what's wrong, we then in turn have to create "excitement". We have to find something to grip about, something to cry about, someone to put blame on. We can't just live in a normal day. I had to remind myself a few times this weekend to just enjoy what we have today and not create an arguement or create angry feelings within myself. Just be still. :) Sorry if I couldn't help.
I like that, I feel like I have been awakened from the dead myself somedays when I think about what my life was like before al-anon and what it is like now.
