The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just checking into this cute little forum we've got going. I hope everyone is doing well and finding your miracles, you all deserve.
Here is what I had the opportunity to work on in the last few days. Not like I would have chosen to go through this experience, but I did learn alot from it.
My husband has been traveling at least 20 of the last 30 days. He came home for a few days to get himself organized, spend time with his family and to rest. Well on his first day back we started talking and catching up and it got late, we started arguing about something minor (IMO) and then Mr. Hyde came out, it was scary, I hadn't seen this person for a very long time.(yelling, throwing things, well one thing) I fell into the victim role, crying, feeling, helpless, small ect... Then I started saying the serenity prayer (silently) I then felt like I needed to pick up the courage to change daily reader. I went into the front room and opened up the book to whatever page it landed on, well I opened up to June 19th. I'll summarize what it says
When I am troubled by another person's behavior, al-anon reminds me that I don't have to take it personally. I'm not a victim of everything that happens unless I choose to see myself that way. Though things don't always go my way, I can accept what I cannot change, and change what I can.
When I listen to the guidence of my HP I will no longer be the victim of my circumstances.
I had a meeting scheduled the next morning, so I woke up early and went. And it was the strangest thing because I remembered that I was not a victim unless I chose to be. I had roles that needed to be respected, those of a mother, wife and my own personal friend. Granted the last role that I wanted to play was that of a 'wife' but I knew that I needed to take care of myself while fulfilling my responsiblities. I hung up the victim title. I didn't punish him for his actions, rather I was able to see that Mr. Hyde was his disease surfacing itself, not him. So the next day I could show love and compassion to this person, while taking care of me. Thank-you al-anon. Without this program I would have taken flight and bailed or stayed in my room and felt sorry for myself all day, or punished him by giving him silent treatments, dirty looks, ect... So I know that I can re-act and let someone else dictate what role I play or I can choose my own roles. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, but I can choose what I do when unacceptable behavior surfaces. It was such a freeing experience.
This program doesn't promise that we won't ever have to deal with problems, but it gives us the tools we need when problems arise. I'm a very greatful member of al-anon.
Good for you!!! My H'S Mr Hyde shows up occasionally, and I struggle with keeping my mouth shut. You know how they say it brings the "fight or flight" instinct out? I have to fight (myself) not to fight every damn time. Talking about anger styles in a group at his treatment center last summer, the counselor looked at me and said " I bet you get pretty passive when he does that" I said "no, what I get is pretty pissed" I am trying to get better, because even though he sober right now ( 7 mos, yay) I sometimes feel like he is baiting me, trying to draw me in.
ShelBell wrote: Good for you!!! My H'S Mr Hyde shows up occasionally, and I struggle with keeping my mouth shut. You know how they say it brings the "fight or flight" instinct out? I have to fight (myself) not to fight every damn time.
Moon, I read your post first thing this am. I thought it was "me" that came up with the Mr. Hyde metaphor for my A, but I really should have known
Spent the day working around the farm with AH, and trying to take care of three new bottle baby goatlings, and kept your post in mind. Honestly, it helped!
Shelbel, it helped me most in exactly what you described above. I deliberately altered my voice tone, speech cadence, and facial expressions away from anger and disgust a few times. Two things happened: one, it is VERY difficult to "be" angry when your voice, speech and face are calm and pleasant , and second, the issue I was angry about was small potatoes, the anger was built up/resentment and not really appropriate to the situation. So I "fought" myself, and won, and had a much better day than I expected!
Kim that is so exciting! We really do decide don't we, by working on yourself, you had a better day! It's amazing how when we change, things get better....for us. Thanks for sharing.
i am so impressed with you and hundreds out there like you. i am new to this forum and i can't believe how most of you handle yourself's in these situations. maybe someday i will be able to handle myself too. thanks to everyone that responded to my post it has helped
, and second, the issue I was angry about was small potatoes, the anger was built up/resentment and not really appropriate to the situation. So I "fought" myself, and won, and had a much better day than I expected!