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Its been a while since I've posted. This week has been a trying week of emotional ups and downs. I have managed to get through the work week and only have one day left. Some weeks the days feel like they run into each other. My AH's pot use is increasing more than I've ever seen it; which I believe causes a great deal of misunderstanding in our communication. He said to me this week that when he's not using it he has racing thoughts, horrible anxiety, can't sleep, and feels all over terrible. We had two counseling sessions this week and made them both couple sessions. My AH had confided in our therapist about how he'd like to get off pot, but fears how he will feel. The therapist encouraged him to try mood stabilizers, but of course that means getting an evaluation from a psychiatrist. My AH does not have health insurance, and sure we'd love to get it but it costs so much. Last night in therapy he says he believes that my whole scheme is to get him on medication so that he will finally be coerced by me to do as I want. Our therapist almost fell out of her chair on that one. His thinking is so distorted, and it hurts that he doesn't trust me. She asked, " What do I need to do to show him that I'm not out to drug him and take advantage of him"? He said, "Well I think she needs medication too for her PMS or whatever".
Yes I have PMD; which I think is a little more severe than PMS, I just didn't want to take any medication for it. I have asked my doctor and even gotten a script but never filled it. Could I use it? Probably. It's hard to say you have chemical off balances in your brain. My AH internalizes that as meaning he's crazy. I guess I have internalized that myself as me being broken or altered in some way. Basically the therapist said that with all the chemical imbalances we are experiencing we needed to treat the symptoms before we could even get to dealing with feelings, thoughts, and actions.
I was able to tell AH that his continued pot use is a deal breaker for me. I'm no where near excuting plan B and not really interested in separating or getting a divorce, that's not why I got married, but I would have to put him out if things progress too intensely. There are outpatient treatment facilities he could get help from or inpatient if he thought he needed that too. I know he doesn't really want to quit smoking pot, he flat out said to the therapist its not a problem for me, just for my wife. In one breathe he'll say I know I should quit because of the long term side affects and the kids are getting older and it would be harder to conceal my use for them, and then say but its not affecting me. IT IS AFFECTING HIM!!!!! Of course this is just my opinion, but I see the changes that are happening. He can't remember anything, he's gaining weight because he gets into these late night munch sessions. I don't feel heard, appreciated, or valued because for him to have a caring conversation would just be too much to ask.
I've come to realize this past weekend and this week, these problems are too much for me, so when I hear in my meetings that A'ism is too much for anyone to live with I get it now. First it was alcohol now its pot, there are some differences in the way it affects him but the issues are still the same. I will not condemn it nor condone it, I can work on placing better boundaries around for myself. Not really sure what I need today on it, maybe just some good thoughts and prayers.
Wishing each of you a happy and peaceful weekend.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm sorry you are going through this. They should call them addictaholics. My ah also had to fill that gap where alcohol used to be. He used pills, then it was Motrin or anything he could get his hands on. He literally did NOT know what to do with the extra time. This is just my experience. I found things (outlets) for my ah to get involved in. He met a bunch of really cool guys at his AA meetings. It wasn't a typical meet in an old building and sit and listen. This was a meeting at our church and the guys all smoked cigs together and bs'd and actually had alot in common. So he looked forward to his meetings. It was good for him to see other guys that were "cool" recovering and being normal. He wanted that. Would your husband be willing to meet some new friends that maybe don't smoke pot or drink? A group of some sort? Maybe your ah likes tennis or cooking or some other kind of hobby? Fishing or camping? Just an idea. It will help him by showing him there are other things to do with that time and it will get you out of your hair. ;) Sorry I can't be of more help. ^i^
I am sorry things aren't going well. ESH...I was able to get antidepressant/antianxiety meds with a visit to my Family Practitioner. No shrink was necessary.
Hate that it has been such a tough emotional week for you.
Although it is not the same, please know that you are heard, appreciated & valued very much here with your MIP family.
Will continue to keep you & your family in my thoughts & prayers. Please try to do something nice for you this weekend. Please never forget how special you are to me.
((Hugs)), Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I'm sorry to hear your hurting. If I may though, I would urge you to talk with your professional about your feelings about PMDD. It's a more severe form of PMS (from what I understand) and it doesn't just affect the mental health of its suffers. Some have pre osteoperosis before menopause. I would hate to see you physically or emotionally suffer if there were ways medically to help you regain a sense of balence. Please know you are not alone, in any sense of the word.
How similar our journey are at times. My wife told me at lunch today that she has got her drinking "under control" and that she will still drink from time to time because she likes it. She is upset that this is not good enough for me.
Well... does this really change anything? Does this exclamation really change my plan, my day, my mood? She has shown with her actions that this is exactly how she feels. She is drinking less... that is great for her.
But she's still drinking (and showing all the other signs that come with the disease), and that is no good for me.
I hope you find a way to have a good day, week, month .... etc - reguardless of what anyone says or does. That would be the ultimate (and you deserve it).
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Looks to me like this is a time for "Let it begin with me" - if you are having health problems of your own, put your focus on that. Getting your own health stabilized will help the entire situation. Sometimes, in the war that can develop between us and our A's, admitting that there is some truth in something they say feels like 'letting them win' or 'giving in'. It's not, though. It's just being sane and taking responsibility for your own end of things.
Some of my issue with the A is around his drug usage which is pot. He finds pot helps him relax. He is off right now to his brother's to get some. What goes along with that is the secrecy, the ultimatums (his) and the craziness.
I know there was more than pot at certain junctures. I also know that it is a deal breaker for me. I am in the process of separating from the A. For me it is just an extension of the plan b. There will not be a lot of stuff decided, the truck for one thing and other issues. It all has to be his way there is not "we" way unless it is on his terms. I failed to notice and pay attention to these for years because I was mainly concerned with abandonment and other issues.
The strange thing for me is that money is not the issue I thought it would be in this second stage of plan b. The A is moving to another area a few hundred miles away he will be back and forth all th etime. The second/third part of plan b is for me a least 6 months. I need to move to a bigger place after this one in order to have all my stuff. Its either that or get a storage unit. I can see it happening now. I am not yet in a financial place to get it.
So I would suggest and its up to you if you want suggestions that plan b can be in many many stages. For me there is an emotional and physical component to it. My health was beginning to really suffer under the strain of the a's chaos and craziness. I know there are certain points I can't recover my health. There is also the emotional support component.
Plan b doesn't for me necessarily mean a-z it can be many many components. One member here challenged me on getting emotional support. I've been working on it. I still have only one real friend who I can touch in with regularly. My friend has a very different opinion about what I need to do next in order to release the A. He suggests A-Z very quickly. I'm not there yet. I may get to there in 6 months. I've been 6 months getting to this part.
Don't necessarily set a timetable for yourself, tasks help. For me financial issues is a huge huge part of releasing the A. I am so so so tired of carrying the entire burden. He complains daily about the money situation. The truth is for the last 3 months he has sat and played video games. He can work. He chooses not to. I choose to work. When I could not work because I was seriously depressed he was incredibly unsympathetic. What he expects for himself is not what he gives to me.
For me it is also one day at a time, one week at a time. I know in 7-8 weeks we will be physically separated by hundreds of miles. That will help me I know. That will free me up to get even more emotional support. There will then be another component to getting my stuff and separating and deciding custody/possession of the pets. I don't hold out much hope for the a. There are days when he is reasonable and then he goes into his secrecy and mandates. I don't need that. I do find it much much easier not to argue with him.
I hear you, I value you and I appreciate you. I know what you're going through. I know I tried to get those things from my pot smoking A too. He couldn't give them to me though because he was in the grips of addiction. I knew this but I still hoped, expected him to, and felt let down when he couln't give me what I needed.
It was only fair, not to much to ask for, I thought, considering all I do for him.
I realised he couldn't give me what he didn't have to give. He was still a kind person who loved me, and I him. But he couldn't give what I needed......this was hard.....
I think you're right to work on boundaries for yourself. I know it's tough, but I know you have a strength of spirit too that will take you there.
