The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right now the A is planning to go live with some relatives a few hundred miles north of where we are. It is a semi rural area that has a lot of tourism. I don't feel like I can go with him, a) because I feel his alcoholism is advancing with or without his drink (he currently is not drinking), b) I dont' feel like he has any clear plans on what he has to do next a job he interviewed for there is an impossibility because of his driving record and c) I fear he will go off on another bender there. In 1999 just before I met him he had a dui there. He has never spoken of it but clearly something set him off. He crashed into someone's car had no insurance and was temporarily suspended from his license for a while. He managed to come back to the area we live in and start over pretty well he got the best paying job he's ever had!
I met him when he was on that rebound and he had plenty of energy then to invest in our relationship and more. Right now he veers from asking me to marry him (I've declined) to his normal blistering tantrums and rages. I do better at dealing with them, I take walks, I stop engaging and more. At the same time his work ethic has gone out the window. He hasn't really done anything but part time work in months. He sits around and feels sorry for himself most of the time.
He has tremendous searing never ending debt. He really should file bankruptcy. He has no possibility of paying any of it back. Somehow though he manages to hold onto certain things. He has a car, a Mercury, that really should have been repossessed a year ago. He still has it. The trouble is that he has wrecked it and the cost to repair it is enormous. I am not sure how he will bring a car he can't drive up there but he insists he will. The car was one of the many many milestones along the way of his chaos and confusion.
I know I have had my own issues, illness, long term unemployment, my own overwhelming issues that I went over and over again not wanting to judge him, not wanting to say this is enough. There were many many many enoughs. There was the friend who he had over every night for 2 years eating all our food, there was the constant crashing and demolishing of cars. There was the problem with having work. There were his illnesses that sidelined him for years. He is still in treatment for them. He makes time for his treatment. I have tons of ailments that I never get to the doctor for. I appreciate he needs to take care of his health but so do I.
What it comes down to is that 24/7 he expects me to put all my needs, cares, passions, loves, concerns aside for him. Meantime he has no responsibility, no plans, fantasies that he expects me to jump on board of and a totally self destructive attitude to everything.
Right now the best I can do is to let him go up there with our pets. I trust him with our pets. I have to some extent put them in God's hands. My alternative is to have them put in the pound and that's not really something I can live with. I'd like to be able to keep my cats but the idea of having them in one room while I work 24/7 isn't good for them or for me.
I'll store most of my stuff where he is at (his aunt and uncle have a property where he will be living) and in time get myself together enough to have the space for it. I am in no position to go up there. His mood is so volatile and angry and self absorbed I would be setting myself up.
The area he is going to live in is very nice. The people are kind, practical and down to earth. I would love to live there but I'm not going with an alcoholic on some self destruct binge all the time. He manages to keep some of it together but on other levels he doesn't. He hasn't had a dui in 7 years and currently doesn't drink (he is under treatment for hepatitis c). Right now he takes it out on me daily that his life is not hunky dory.
I trust him to a certain extent as I've lived with him for 7 years now. I trust he is going to take care of the dogs and cats (he has in the past when we were separated by work). I trust he will take care of my stuff (he has in the past too). I just don't think I can live this life anymore with him the screaming alone is totally draining. I also dont' think long term he is going anyplace I want to. He has no work ethic, he is in incredible debt (that needs to be addressed) and he takes no responsibilty for anything ever.
I have my own messes I am certainly not squeaky clean. I have serious serious issues with work situations. I have serious issues with codependency among other issues. I also have serious issues with dealing with the A. A respite will give me time to work on me. I don't relish having to rent a room. I will be letting go of a lot. I can't for example even get to moving my plants to this new place. I just don't have the energy to do it. At the same time long term I know the A is going nowhere, he is going to a long horrible spiral drinking or not drinking. I cannot go down with him and I would be doing that if I moved with him.
I feel exhausted, angry, sad and fed up. I also feel motivated and clear on what I have to do. If I have to live in one room for a few years and eventually get a bigger room so I can have my cats I'll do it. I just can't engage in this insanity for another year/month/decade.
You have great courage as this kind of thing is not easy, especially saying bye bye to shared pets but you are doing the right thing for you. I wish I was as good to detach when those volatile rages come along, they leave me feeling very ill indeed. You are right to rely on yourself and you are in my prayers.
My heart goes out to you. You sound conflicted, with good reason. Living with an A active or dry is difficult and almost unbearable. Good for you for figuring out what you don't want. Now you can focus on what you do want and what the next right thing for you to do is. There appears to be a great deal of details that you have to sort out. I find for myself that if I look at the stuff that I can do something about first, then first things first. Then I start to plan and tackle the next level, and so on. You will achieve that which you desire for your life. I often feel most positive about my plans and my future when I can sit and meditate on what I'd like that day, time, event, or whatever goal I'm after to look like. I spend time feeling it and visualizing myself doing that one thing that I want. I find it helps me to stay focused on it that these things will materialize in my life alot sooner than I thought. One thing I've realized living with an A, focusing on what you'd like their life to look like doesn't work as well as when I visualize on my own life. Now I just pray good thoughts for him instead of wasting as much of my mental energy that I was. Some days its easier than others.
So maybe this is a new chapter in your life, you might have some good blessings on the way. I think you are doing an excellent job of One Day At A Time, and as someone last week said to me, Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. Have a wonderful weekend
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Sometimes it seems like the A's problems are so easy to solve...don't spend money you don't have...don't drink...ect. It's too bad we can't patch ourselves up so easily. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
