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AAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I seriously have strong urges to strangle my h. He went on a field trip with our son today, which i thought was really sweet, and kind of uncharacteristic of him, but i was excited he did this for our son. He got home from the FT around 1:30 and he came home without picking up the other kids from the sitter. I wasn't upset about that, because he told me he was going to do that b/c he wanted to come home and do some homework (he's working on his bachelors). But then I get home, and there he's watching t.v. without a book in sight. I sat down cuz i had a crappy day at work and wanted to relax for a minute and go through mail. I wasn't home 5 minutes and he asked me what i was making for supper. I thought it was crappy enough that he couldn't even start supper, but then to ask me when i was starting. so that pissed me off right from the start. so i was making supper and he was messing with the kids, and i heard our oldest crying, which he does when we mess with him sometimes, he doesn't like being teased, and my h knows that. in fact he blames himself bc of the emotional issues he has bc he's afraid he messed with him too much when he was younger. so i go to see what he's crying about, cuz he screaming and almost hysterical, and i see my h with a match, playing around like he was going to burn him!!!!!!! i yelled "are you drunk! what is wrong with you!!!" and he said, i'm just playing with him, he know i wouldn't burn him. well he might know that but obviously he was scared. i was so pissed. i snatched them away from him and stormed off. i couldn't even look at him. i mean, what the hell kind of father does that to their kids? i don't know if he was drinking or not today, i think he was though because when i got home the house reeked of beer. i don't know if he was drinking tonight or if our house just smells like beer. so i finish supper, and he won't eat what i made, he gets some snacky things i brought home. i had been craving it all day, and that's what i was going to have for supper too. i get the kids taken care of and come to the living room to get some food, and by the time i got in here, he had eaten it all. i was so pissed! i told him that it really pissed me off and he said "good"!!!!! What the hell is wrong with him? sometimes i just don't think i can stay with him. he just pisses me off so much sometimes that i can't even look at him. i have a lot of conflicting emotions about our relationship. sometimes i want him out of here and think about how my life would be without him, but then other times when i think about us divorcing or him killing himself i get scared and wonder what i'd do without him. i just wish i could figure it out. divorce was never an option for us, we didn't believe in it except for cases of abuse or infidelity. but lately i just don't know...he keeps saying to me, "i believe love is choice, you choose who you love and you have to work on it." i don't know why he's saying that to me...is he saying it for himself, or does he feel something from me? and then sometimes i just wonder if i'm trying to make his addiction an excuse for me to leave.....sigh.....i pray every night for insight into my feelings and i just don't know....well, i just needed to get all this off my chest. thanks family! love ya!
I certainly deal with this stuff all the time. The A I live with is a model of total self absorption. Today all he did was scream and take things out on me. Then he says he is tired!
I get so tired of it. I am willing to use the tools. I separated myself from him went to the library and felt better. In the past I would have just sat and bubbled with frustration. I feel like I am being drained to pieces by his actions. He does the "dinner" stuff all the time. I get so sick of his "demands" If he were contributing something other than chaos it would help. His debt stuff alone is totally draining. His creditors call night and day and never stop!
One of his friends declared bankruptcy and gave him a blow by blow account of it. He knows what it is. He knows he needs to do it but like anything else he just blames me for it.
I have done my share of blaming him. When I came here I was in incredible rage over what he did. I still raged at him. I don't now. I do hold him accountable for certain things but I have my own issues.
There are times when separation seems like a relief there are also times for me when it is full of fear and trepidation. For me it had to be super clear that my life was going nowhere with him. I will not live like this through my old age. I am middle aged and I do not want the chaos and confusion day and night he brings. I care a great deal but I also care about me too.
You are not alone. Not too long ago I could have written your post, word for word. And there are things you mention that I can relate to even today.
Last week while my A was here, he was encouraging my 9 yr. old son to wrestle around with him. He took his arm and flexed it and said, bet you can't pull that down. Of course my son was all over him trying to. The thing was he was setting my son up, this is what he said "Boy, 100 horses couldn't pull that down.......but one Jackass could." and he drops his arm. He's the Jackass and I don't think he'll ever be able to understand the hurt he causes.
All you can do is your best to take care of you and your children. Learn as much as you can about this program, it helps. It is empowering, I learned that I was allowing unacceptable behavior from my A.....I was allowing it, and didn't even realize it. I was given the courage to say what I meant, meant what I said and I learned I didn't have to say it mean. I learned what boundries were, how to put them in place and how to stick to them. As my sister would say, I grew some Big Kahonas, LOL. and it actually brought peace into my life.
I am separated from my A, we are still married, I too couldn't imagine that this would be an option for me. It's not how I was raised. I also thought if I just tried harder, that things would improve. Today, I can say, it is what it is -- this life I have is good, my Hp is looking out for me (and He's available to my A). It's not what I wanted, but it's really not that bad. And I have no crystal ball, I can't say how my relationship with my A will turn out years down the road. I live in the moment, and do the best that I can. It is peaceful for the most part and I'm grateful.
Please keep coming back. If you haven't already, read How Alanon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics.
Ohhhhhh That would have really p***sed me off! I probably would have said "I will call child protective services on your a$$ and have you taken out of our home if you EVER play like that with one of our children again" But that's just me. Poor little boy, thats sad and crap like that can scar a child for life. What a bad daddy
When I was 7 or 8 years old, we had a substitute teacher one day. This was in a Catholic school, so of course the teachers were nuns. In our class, as in many classes, we had one boy who was the troublemaker. This kid did something which the teacher felt required punishment (don't even remember what it was, but I DO remember thinking it wasn't nearly as bad as his usual).
I'm getting outraged again just thinking about this.
The substitute teacher took the boy to the front of the class, tied him to a chair, lit a match, and played around like she was going to put in in his mouth. He was absolutely shrieking. The rest of us were petrified, frozen in our seats, wide-eyed.
I have never forgotten it, and I only SAW it. It is VERY clear to me that this WAS abuse.
Only you can decide what's right for you. For me, I hope you find a way to give your baby a safe place to live, and maybe even a counselor to talk to.
Keep coming back - enormous support in the rooms of Alanon, virtual or f2f.
I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil in the home. My home has had its share of turmoil these days as well. I agree with the other's that have posted, that your AH really crossed the line with your child. That is mental abuse, because on so many levels it breaks the trust between your son and his father and between you and your AH. You might consider looking into services for the family. Setting boundaries is hard, I still struggle with setting boundaries and enforcing boundaries. The biggest obstacle for me in setting a boundary and reinforcing it is guilt, shame, fear. I know what boundary I'd like to set but if I set it I have to be able to back it up and enforce it if the boundary is crossed, and living with my AH the boundary will probably get tested at some point.
Keep posting and going to meetings, you will gain the insight into how you feel, and then you will find the courage to do what you feel is necessary. Stay safe no matter what.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You might want to put some thought into WHY you believe the things you believe, about love and marriage. Is it because that is what life has taught you is true, or do you believe this because it is what you WANT to be true? Those of us who love alcoholics really can't afford to fool ourselves. Our lives are too hard as it is. Your husband is what he is, not what you want him to be, or what he should be. Take an honest look at what your marriage really is, and if you can say to yourself, "Yes, with detachment, common sense, love, and support from my program, I can live with this man AS HE IS and be more or less happy" then you know something. If you can't honestly say that, then you know something else.
