The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I ask myself all the time-why do I stress so much about certain things--things I cannot control?? Do other people do this? Is it because we want our lives to be problem free? No one has a problem free life. I guess I have sooo become a people pleaser, perhaps living in the past with a A brother and A X hubby. I have talked to you before about my DIL, coming each day for lunch. Well last week I told her call me 1st as I am not always home-spring coming etc. OK fine-last week worked OK (I was out of town for a few days) So this week comes-she called Monday-I was out. BUT she never called Tues or Wed-----Now I am SICK with worry--what if this, what if that..blah... I have SO much anxiety. So today I am going for lunch with friends, and I am debating whether to call her to join us. BUT I think perhaps this is sorting itself out and perhaps LEAVE it alone! I so need to Say what I mean and mean what I say. Am I the only person out there that has this co-pedentant problem. Tks
I was going to respond to you post, but I was too busy obsessing about someone that I walked by two weeks ago & didn't say "excuse me" to - that person probably thinks I'm the rudest person in the world - do you think I could find them & apologize after the fact -
Ok - so maybe I'm kidding a little, but the truth of the matter is that I can relate to your situation. Yes, I still can obsess about how people are perceiving my actions and words. I try really hard to Stop, Breathe in a deep relaxing breathe & Let Go & Let God. I double check my intentions - try to make sure I am avoiding being revengeful, hateful, controlling or any other unhealthy behaviors (keeping my side of the street clean) & then try to leave the rest up to the God of my understanding.
Hope this helps you find a way that you can try to relax and let go of some of your worrying.
Progress not Perfection, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
(((Megain))), I'm glad you're here and you are sharing what you are going through. I think codependancy manifests itself in different ways at different times....in different people indeed. I used to stress a lot and control, or rather try to. But I made a choice to stop doing this. It was not easy and I had to work very hard at it. It got easier over time. I came to realise that I had enough work to do in controlling myself! I had many negative behaviours.
Christy spoke in her post recently about awakening. I think this is what happened to me. I realised I had to make my own choices, for myself. I put a lot of faith in my HP and trusted his guidance.
Generally I find people are more relaxed and more willing to be around me if I am a calm and confident (fake it till its real, that's what I am doing!) person myself. Being aware of ourselves and our behaviours is a big step forward. It gives us options. Don't be as hard on yourself as I was on me.
I think it's normal to obsess over the things we cannot change. I think it's a part of our disease and dysfunction. I also think that it's a part of our addiction/dependency to drama and insanity. I think, for me at least, I began to surrender the things I could not control when I began to live in my "shoe apt." This was so pertenent because I began to have a relationship with myself. I had to do the dishes. I had to do the vacuuming (speaking of which... :) ). I was/am accountable for myself because I had to live my own life. Think about, just for today, how you can be responsible for you. Loving toward you. And honest about your needs.
I am not going to call you "co-dependent." (Now there's a change.) I think you did the right thing asking DIL to phone you before coming to your home. In doing, she is exhibiting common courtesy. Yeah, I'd probably call her and ask her to join you and your friends. You are concerned that you have hurt DIL's feelings. Try not to worry about that. Being non-co-dependent does not mean we lose all feeling and caring. When we examine the meaning of co-dependency, we can and sometimes do slip off the edge of reason. There IS a difference between caring and stressing, and stressing is what we must avoid. You have done nothing wrong. Please don't continue to be, "SICK with worry." That serves no useful purpose. Smile and relax. You've got nothing, in this instance, to stress about!!!
Wishing you peace,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Perhaps by not going to your home, she found some new friends to have lunch with or something else she enjoyed. Maybe you did her a favor :)
Things work out like they are supposed to and even if it doesn't for one of you... "this too shall pass". Just keep doing what you need to do for you and what feels right.
IMO, I don't think doubting a decision or wondering if it was correct is codependent action. I'm getting kinda burned out on that label. IMO, it's simply called "unsure".."second guessing yourself" etc. It's human kindness to be concerned how your decision affects someone you care about.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
this may sound strange to you, but, in my circumstances i have learned, if i haven't heard from her nothing is wrong. actually, quite the opposite, when she calls i think......, ''UHH OHH ", what is wrong, what does she want ?
I too tend to walk on eggshells. I have to work on it not too. Some of it is to set limits. Limit setting is hard work. I used to take things people said to me very very personally. Now I don't as much.
Good for you for making progress. Remember it is that progress not perfection.
