ESH needed: struggling to make it without the A in my house - Al-Anon Family Group

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

ESH needed: struggling to make it without the A in my house

Barbs45 · Senior Member

Hi there,

I can identify with you on both levels here, firstly making it on my own, which I did 17yrs ago, and secondly 7yrs ago when I had my hysterectomy.

I divorced my exhusband 17yrs ago, he is now dead, back then I never thought I'd survive.
I'm glad to say I did, I'm still battling with the menopause though, but I know I'll get over this too.

You will get there, sorry no advice on the smoking, having never been a smoker, I can only wish you well on that one, and don't be too hard on yourself.

Take good care of you, as you need time to recover from your hysterectomy, both phyisically and emotionally.

Best wishes,
Barbs.

irish54 · Senior Member

Sounds to me like you are doing great under all your circumstances!

I have gone through the divorce of my Ah, the hysterectomy, and I am a smoker.

I still believe your body is trying to heal and recover from trauma ie proplems leading up to the surgery, the surgery itself plus the added stress of your A. For me, I had to try not to make any major decisions or changes until I felt my body and mind were clear enough to do so.

Don't beat yourself up over the cigarettes right now. Most people have several attempts before they are finally able to totally quit. Try to be gentle with yourself while you are recovering. You are worth it.

Relax, take deep breaths, let your body and mind recover .... one day..one step at a time.

Love and Hugs,
Irish

JulieLynn · Senior Member

(((Hippietrippiechick)))

I can feel your pain. I have been married to my active A husband for 3 years. We have split up numerous times and gotten back together. I am currently planning on leaving him for the last time. With my AH husband, he is not only an active alcoholic but also has severe mental problems. Just this past weekend, because he and I had an argument, when I found out that my dil was not going to let me see my grandkids because she's mad at my son for not signing divorce papers he laughed and told me that I was getting what I deserve.

I don't know how long you have been married or if you have seperated before but I do know that it does get easier. I remember after the first few times my husband and I seperated I would be devastated. I spent alot of time crying and trying to figure out what I could do to make our marriage better. I wanted out marriage to work so bad. I read a book called Getting Them Sober and my anxiety began to ease. I learned alot about Alcoholism in that book. Another good one is Marriage On The Rocks that helped me along with f2f meetings and any literature I could get from those meetings. For me, to hear that the alcoholic needed me more than I needed them helped me tremendously. I don't know about you, but with me my alcoholic put me down so bad that I felt like he was so happy to be rid of me. I pictured him partying it up, sleeping with other women, and just basically rejoicing because he was rid of the big, bad witch. It also helped me to realize that Hurt People Hurt People and I knew that my A husband, deep down, was hurting. I am saddened that my husband is so lost in his alcoholism and mental illness but there is nothing I can do. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it.

Hang in there Hippietrippiechick because it does get easier and you deserve so much more. Believe that and believe in yourself.

Love,
Julie

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Hippie)))))))))),

Easy does it on yourself. We all slip in our programs. That's how we learn and grow. As for moving on without your A. You're doing it. You will learn how to make ends meet. You will learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. There is great strength in solitude. Relish the peace and quiet. Remember how chaotic it was when he was living there. Take a deep breath and quiet yourself. When that old stinkin' thinking comes in (and that's prefectly natural) refocus your mind on something else. Read a book, play some music, I usually do a really hard crossword puzzle (anything that requires concentration) and soon enough you'll find that those thoughts have faded and the moment has passed. The beautiful thing about this program is that we can start all over again anytime we choose.

You've been through so much lately. Now is the time to take extra good care of yourself, physically and mentally. Give yourself permission to look after you. You are no longer an after thought. You come first. You deserve to be healthy and happy. Love and blessings to you.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

ShelBell · Senior Member

I can 't help you on the hysterectomy thing, but I do know how hard it is to quit smoking. I quit for three months a couple of years ago... I used the patch and it worked really well. I didn't have any cravings while I was wearing one. I have no excuse for picking them up again, it is a filthy habit, as you said. I do not know if you are using a method to help you, but maybe give the patch a try. It is a little expensive if not covered, but you can get them in the pharmacy aisle at Wal-Mart.

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

(((htc)))) when my head starts fillling up with

stinkin thinkn'

(a funny but effectively used term i've heard.lol) When my head starts filling me up with, "if" s, " could ofs and "wouldas.

WHEN i realize i'm filled to the brim-

--( i see it sooner and sooner with/since Alanon...) i say to myself "STOP!" (its tha' inhouse inmyhead Alanon police.' haha)
hey... whatever works, right? this works for me. lol. visualize this. if you laughed... its workin. hAh.

I will say... "STOP".... and I go on... to recite an Alanon *slogan ( or slogans) over an over till the thought start to turn around in favor of where i want to find myself. positive thinking. its different for each of us. but you will find a lil' something in your Alanon Tools that you will remember to reach for... when the negative (stinkin) thoughts try to take over in a place where you have the right to choose. You ((HTC))) have the choice of where you want to be in your head, in your mind and in your heart. when others try, and they will, to lead me into the "crap " thinkin' .... I have to find a way ( a slogan) a moment I realized-- and tell myself this., " it IS all about ME." ((((

))))

No one else. ITs time to "take some time and find you., take care of you. do something nice

for you each day. each moment send yourself a positive thought.

i concentrate on taking breathes in... and letting them goooooo. (meditation and breathing) to clear my head. stop all thought for at least a moment., a minute,. it helps me redirect myself into a more positive attitude. you may disagree, but i ask that you atleast give it a try for a few weeks....... see if it helps to make ya feel better. i know it will(((htc))))

YOU can do it!!

your here(Alanon!) That in itself means something very special) about you. you've accepted that your life is unmanageable?...( Step One) and that HP/God can lead you back to your own definitions of sanity? you can do it! if it helps, know that i do it.

somany others have found what works forthem. someuse the serenity prayer. i like the saying," How Important Is It?... Is IT Worth My Serenity. Keep IT Simple. Let Goooooooo and Let God.

One Day at a Time. (takin it one moment at a time when i need to) lol.

Keep Looking uP!!! Keep Coming Back.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Be easy on yourself Chickie. One thing at a time. Right now the focus must be on YOU and your serenity.

Years ago...let's see...1984 it was...I watched a program on tv all about chronic bronchitis and the long-lasting effects and eventual death it can cause. There I sat, smoking one right after the other, coughing like crazy, and suffering from...yep, chronic bronchitis. I put the pack of cigarettes down on the table...did NOT throw them away. Kept them there as a crutch. One day turned into two. I felt like I had abandoned my best friend. There the cigs lay. Soon they had been there on the table a month, and by that time, getting a bit dusty. But I refused to toss them out, gaining comfort from the fact that they were there. Albeit stale, they were there. I finally threw them in the garbage after about six months. So it's been 21 years now, and I am offended and appalled by the smell of cigarette smoke. You hear that reformed smokers are the worst of all. It's true!!! LOL.

Shared this story with you for the soul purpose of giving you a smile.

All in good time, my dear. You are going to be fine. Head up proudly, and go on. As Karilynn said, read a book, keep your mind busy.

With caring and hope, Diva

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

The irony is for me the A has stopped drinking. He had to for some treatment he had. The crazy behaviors are still there. The speeding tickets the crashing the car all the time, the work stuff, the temper tantrums. Last night he woke me up 3 times in his anxiety stuff. It gets super old after years of it.

I certainly don't want to separate from the A either. I have pets. They will have to live with him for now. I have things I do not want to get rid of and will have to if I move into one room.

I know where his crazy behaviors have led me to the point of total exhaustion.

I can also relate to being up all night worrying. I did that often before I came to al anon. Al anon helped me to turn stuff over. Nevertheless I have to say even with all the tools, the program and more living with an active A is for me hell. I do not know what is going to come next. I let go and let go and let go and pretty soon there is not much left to let go of.

I am beyond being angry at him. Being angry doesn't matter to him. The disease has him totally there is not much left of the nice man he can be sometimes. There is not much ambition, work ethic nothing left. For me as hard as it is to be alone it will be a relief. One thing I have the hardest time with now is the A's fantasies.

Yesterday he wanted me to look at alpaca's. He has no money, no prospects, tremendous messes and he wants to talk about buying alpaca's with what?

I turned him down. I said nothing but I think thats part of his issue. I have my own fantasies which I have to watch pretty carefully and I tell on myself on them all the time (one is finding someone to marry me overnight!).

Maresie

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

Thank you to all who responded to my post. I am so tired, sick and tired of all the BS. My A came over for all of about 10 minutes and I had one of my neighbors over to see if I was all right. He got mad and left. Very insecure and untrusting behavior, like I can't have a friend, even though he is a male and truly cares about how I feel. I am confused and sleeepy. I think I will sleep and see how I feel later. My A will end up doing his own thing. I seem to not be able to stop calling him, like an addiction, which it is. I thought he really cared, but after my surgery he just went "censored". Please all of you pray I can make it thru this. I am going to call again to the local Alanon number or even AA where I know I can find folks who will truly care about how I feel. Sorry I don't make much sense. They have me on a lot of pain meds. I have been sleeping a lot, which someone told me is the best for me now. REST!
I don't want to overdo anything and hurt myself worse than I already feel. YOu all are so special. It is just too bad no one seems to live in my area to come and see me.
Love you ALL Principles before personalities, right?

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