The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im not so sure on how to cope with this one... thanks mobirdie for your post... now i need to hear from more people.
My a is sober for now, but is extremely depressed. he doesnt tell me he wants to hurt himself, but i can just hear it in his voice. i keep reassuring him that we can eventually work things out for us as a relationship, but he needs to just work on himself for the moment. He cant see past the present. some days he is good, but other days he calls me to talk, and i can hear his frustration with life and i cry silently on the other end of the phone, coz it hurts to hear him in so much pain.
i hope that he doesnt hurt himself, but what can i do from my end? i thought that what i am doing is supposed to relieve my pain, but me being strong is causing him so much pain. It wont stop me from sticking to my boundaries, but surely i can help him in some way????????? I am just trying to protect myself, but i can see a tragic end to this. Im scared
One of my family members really struggles with severe depression.
When I am afraid the depression is so bad it might lead to her hurting herself, I say directly to her, "Are you have suicidal thoughts? Are you thinking about hurting yourself or someone else?"
Thankfully, the answer has never been yes. However, if the answer were ever to be "yes," I would call 911, or the national suicide prevention hotline, and have the proper authorities take over.
It helps me tremendously, too, to remember that I am not trained to help my loved ones when they are really struggling with serious mental health issues. You might encourage your A to seek out other support: rehab, therapy, AA, etc. Also, I am concerned about the effect his calls are having on you. You might consider limiting your conversations with him or setting boundaries for the calls if they are too stressful for you. Talking with a therapist about how to handle this situation, reading up on suicide on-line, or calling the national suicide prevention hotline may also be useful resources to you. However, ultimately, while you can respond if he every makes a threat of suicide, this depression really is HIS issue, and he has to figure out how to deal with it.
I can relate very much to this. I live with an A who gets extremely depressed at times. He is very impulsive then. I have done what I can. I can do no more. I've been there done what I could and exhausted myself. I can't anymore.
It's such a hard situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've dealt with this with my ah and my best friend. My husband is still fighting to stay sober but unfortunaltly my best friend passed away in Aug. Looking back I sometimes wish I would have tried harder to help her, I didn't. I focused on my ah. It's hard because nothing you can do will make them stop. My best friend used to cry to me and she would say how she wanted to have what I have (family, kids) and my answer was always "quit drinking" and you can have it too. I think all we can do is offer outlets for them, show them that life can be good when they are sober. Help them find places that can help them. I supported her in rehab after rehab, I talked with her hundreds of times. I know there is nothing that I could do. The disease had her. :( I hope this isn't your ah's fate. Just do what you are comfortable with, help as much as your heart can allow you. You can help without enabling, it's ok. Good luck.
Depression is very common in a newly sober alcohoic , the only way that I know of to help him is to suggest he call AA they will come and talk to him they call it 12 stepping . you could also ofter to go with him to a meeting for support ,there he will find people who have been where he is at and can reasure him that it will pass and get better. keep the focus on you his recovery is up to him .Every fiber of his being is screaming for booze right now . with drawl can take months . good luck
All I can give you is love and understanding, I understand you are scared and distressed by all this, and I know how hard it is for you. I agree with abbyal. Depression is often part of the cycle. It is common in As who are newly sober. They are obsessed with alcohol still. This happened in my case too. I was at my wits end. I got lots of advice and didn't know where to turn.(He had had a previous suicide attempt a few years earlier) In the end, after going on a huge vodka binge for days and locking himself away, he eventually crawled out, invited his drinking buddy round and went to live with him.....
I had to decide to leave him to it. I knew I could do no more. I prayed so hard and decided to detatch.I handed it over to my HP. I am only one person and this was way too much for me to handle. This was my decision for me, and I had to make it for myself, just as you have to decide what you are going to do for yourself.
When I was going through this madness, his sister pointed out to me that actually he always seems to find a way out of these bad situations in his life and that for me to help him would be unfair to both of us. This took some consideration, but she was right. I had to let him find his own way.
I will pay for you both Arty and hope you make the decisions that are right for you.
You've gotten some good replies here. All I can offer is extra love and prayers to you and your family. There is light at the end of the tunnel he just has to find a reason to hang on. My A went through it, and with good counceling plus his program all is well now.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Try to remember that detachment does not mean the end of helping. If you seriously think he is going to harm himself, you must intervene. (My opinion only, Not advice.) Better safe than sorry.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
