The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I cringe when I hear that 'Most of us suffer from low self-esteem," "most of us are attracted to alcoholics again and again," "most of us were abused during childhood." Do "most of us" really come out of the same box? Of course not! I dare say there is no statistic which even comes close to suggesting that "most of us" have anything in common except that we are all dealing with the effects of addiction in our families. AlAnoners need to understand that concept in order to allow their thoughts to encompass a wider perspective. There we have it. Al Anon's greatest fear..."thoughts to encompass a wider perspective."
BRAVO DIVA!!!
The other thread was already too long so I started a new one, I hope you don't mind.
I too cringe when I read that others are misguidingly attributing their own afflictions to others. Just because someone comes to Alanon does not mean that they suffere from low self esteem, have gone through a string of alcoholics, where abused as children, or that they are depressed or suicidal.
Some people come to alanon when they are confronted with a situation they know little about, dealing with an alcholic, and they want to learn coping skills. It is that simple sometimes.
Of course some people DO come to Alanon with other afflictions in place, and even their own diagnosis' of mental and emotional illness, however, that does not mean that these afflictions are part of living with alcholics. Low self esteem, childhood abuse, bad choices in relationships are not exclusive to alcholics or those living with them.
Just like not all alanoners are cut from the same cloth, neither are alcoholics. A stay at home mom with several small children who has an alcholic who is retired or on disability and at home constantly will likely suffere more as she will also be home most of the time and dealing with the craziness the majority of the time.
An alcoholic who is high functioning and a workaholic will likely not be as much of a problem to a professional working marriage mate as one would be who is financially dependent and does not work. There are variables of course, but it depends on the circumstances.
What concerns me about this board is not so much the venting and heartfelt advice giving, but it is the clear lack of recovery in most people. Where is the program of attraction? Where is the "I want what you people have"? When people who claim to be in alanon for years and years still write of horrible chaos in their lives, misery, with nothing but vents and you see no evidence of any benefit of the program in their lives, THAT is depressing. What good has Alanon done them except let them vent? That is good, but really only a first step.
I think this partly due to the "I'm dysfunctional YOU'R dysfunction" mentality. That we are all so "sick" here and "sicker than the alcoholic" in fact. Give me a break...if alanon keeps people so sick forever why come? Why do we all have to keep talking about how "sick" we are, even when we hve been in alanon for years?
WHERE IS THE RECOVERY THAT OTHERS CAN LEARN FROM AND DRAW HOPE FROM THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER?
On the other hand, I can count on one hand the few people who are OBVIOUSLY working a program and you can see and feel the serenity and recovery in their lives. I can honestly count these people on one hand and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service to share your healing journey with us and give us real HOPE. We all want what you have, thanks for letting us see it is possible.
Alanoner, what a wonderful post--thank you for sharing!!
When I finally got up the courage to find a sponsor I remember looking around the room and immediately being drawn to a woman who had what I wanted. I knew that her AH was still active, but she had it--serenity--and I wanted it so badly!! My HP must have been at work because before I could ask her, she came up to me and said that I could call her anytime if I needed to talk--if I wanted a sign, I sure got one!!
I think that the fact that this is a Program of attraction not promotion is one of the greatest things about Al-Anon. It reinforces the idea that by changing ourselves, for ourselves, life and those around us are bound to change for the better as well. By sharing our E, S and Hope about what the program is doing for us, we give each other hope that change can take place in our lives as well, regardless of how dark our lives may seem.
Thank you again for your insight!!
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I've been reading this biography of a drug addict, A piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. In there when she eventually gets to recovery she is attracted to a woman who wants what she has.
I don't personally presume that anyone person is the same as any one else. I was abused as a child. I can't necessarily see abuse in others. I think there is sometimes great solace in knowing others share that. There is also for me personally great great solace in hearing other people describe their alcholics behavior. I don't have a cookie cutter picture of an A. I know many of them. My younger sister went from non functional to highly functional. They can change. At the same time I find it as hard to deal with my younger sister as I do the A. I love them both though.
I don't know that I am so quick anymore to define recovery. I think staying alive and sane around an A is recovery. I know what recovery looks like. I can claim it but I can also say that there are bad days and good days for me. The good days are more these days. I am more likely to ask for help. For me personally I am not that concerned anymore about the groups recovery but my own. I think the group is a reflection of me. When I'm doing well I am happy with the group. When I'm not I'm unhappy with the group. I miss some of the old timers but I dont' resent their not being here.
Thanks, AlAnoner, for your insightful post. I freely admit, and I am sure it is obvious, that I have trouble with my own recovery. I am definitely NOT on the list of people you can, "count on one hand." Yep, I am still angry and resentful now and again. I allow those feelings their time, because to do otherwise would keep them festering forever.
I do not, admittedly, agree with everything AlAnon has to say, but I am here, learning to deal with the cards I was dealt. That's all any of us can do. I had no history of dealing with alcoholism, and never expected to have to confront it.
I have appreciated your participation from the day you first posted, and I thank you for being here.
With every best wish,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 11:23, 2007-03-08
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
For me, I've found it helps, when I want to illustrate that I have heard the same or a similar thing shared many times, but have no personal specific experience to offer, to say "many of us" instead of "most of us". I can clarify if needed with "I've heard that many times", but I'm not implying I think it's true for everybody. Works for me.
I also try to remember to carry my "keep what you like and leave the rest" tool into forums.... and sometimes, always to my astonishment, a REPLY to what I thought was a venting post actually turns out to contain just the esh I need. If the venting post hadn't been there - neither would the esh.
One of the biggest things I have learned and continue to learn in alanon is that I cannot think of all the possibilities, and that listening to others share - whether I like it their share or not, whether I agree or disagree vehemently - is a great way to see different perspectives and learn alternate ways of looking at things.
Well, you know the saying about how meetings get started: Take a resentment and a coffee pot, and some people that share your sentiments. Watch the meeting grow from there. If you don't like how this board works, you're free to start an al anon website yourself, and let the recovery grow from there.
Diva wrote: Thanks, AlAnoner, for your insightful post. I freely admit, and I am sure it is obvious, that I have trouble with my own recovery. I am definitely NOT on the list of people you can, "count on one hand."
Dearest Diva, sorry but you are sharing the NUMBER ONE SPOT on my list!!!
You are not prefect, none of us are, but I so admire the dignity with which you lead your life, the openness to learn and grow and share. You don't "pretend" to not be angry at times and then become passive aggresive and have it all come out sideways and be angry at the world.
No, you allow yourself to be angry WHEN YOU ARE, you deal with it, and then move on. Most importantly you reach out to others with so much love, compassion, and empathy that it warms the heart to see how you spend so much time trying to help others on their journey of recovery.
You are not a parrot, chanting slogans, you LIVE THEM, which speaks louder than any slogan. You take care of yourself, and share your happiness as well as your anger, that shows a life of balance.
Isn't that all what we are looking for? A life of BALANCE? No more extremes and chaos.
In my book Diva, you are the alanon ideal, you model a healthy life and you share how you take loving care of yourself while still reaching out to others and encouraging them to do the same. Your life is not perfect, as no one's is, but you don't let your alcholic rob you of your joy in life and your dignity.
I have learned SO much from you, I hope you stay because in my book you are the backbone of this place. You never fail to reach out to almost all who suffer here with kind healing words, you will never know how much that means to us all here.
Alanoner
PS. Yes, "friendofyours" you are on my list, for what that is worth, LOL, I have been greatly encouraged by the loving and kind way you also share you ESH, thank you, I am glad you are here.
I agree with you whole heartedly about the assumption that most (and I have been told also that "all" alanon people share) the same initial problems. I.E. low self esteem, history of dysfunction etc. The second f2f I went to almost kept me away from alanon all together. The meeting was nice, I heard alot of what I needed (as usual lol), the problem came after the meeting when I was asking about literature. I cannot remember the name of the book one lady suggested but as I scanned through it I realized it was for adult children. I explained that the book didn't apply to me and then what I was looking for. The lady looked me dead in the eye and said....."I am sorry you are still in denial." At first I did not understand what she meant so I asked, she then proceeded to tell me it was ok to admit I was an adult child. I explained it was my husband, not a parent that brought me to alanon....she forged on, so much so that I was so infuriated I wanted to slap her. Thank my HP for a bystander that overheard what was going on, he showed me another book and then explained that just because someone had a couple of yrs under their belt in alanon did not mean their journey of recovery took them very far. That some just assume ( and you know what they say about assuming!) that everyone in alanon has the same background when in reality we come from all walks of life and all backgrounds. I was lucky to have this information early on, since I was hearing so much about what you said (the cookie cutter alanons). I had days I felt bad about myself, but in general never really had low self esteem. As far as growing up and my family, well lets just say that my friends refered to us as the Brady bunch or the Cleavers, lol. I grew up with loving well adjusted parents in a "normal" family and home life. If that man had not explained this to me then I don't think I would have been back to alanon and if I stayed I more than likely would have been looking for problems in myself that just were not there. And again I agree that we need to have more posts about the hope, the quote unquote success stories, and more posts with information like this. We already have enough in dealing with the A and the effects of the disease, we surely do not need more to deal with.
Life balance.......perfectly said! We are human, we are not perfect so our lives will not be either. And yes we will make mistakes, we will be angry and have other negative feelings it's part of life. But we need the negative with the positive to have balance. We need to learn that the negatives are part of life, that we are allowed to feel our feelings. But we need to understand that when those feelings surface they can be addressed then let go of. A wonderful healthy life balance.
