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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I feel so angry and helpless
Post Info TOPIC: I feel so angry and helpless
JulieLynn


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I feel so angry and helpless
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This whole thing with my dil has just left me feeling helpless and hopeless.  I can't control her using my grandaughters as pawns in trying to force my son to sign divorce papers that have stipulations that are unreasonable.  I am so angry that she is keeping my grandchildren away from me just because she wants to marry the man that she has been having an affair with and can't until my son signs the papers.  I always thought she was an excellent mother until this happened.  I never would have thought that she would stoop so low.  She makes me sick!  My son was paying her child support but it wasn't what she wanted.  So now she is going to take it out on me by not letting me see my grandchildren.  I am a true believer of what goes around comes around and I know that she will have to pay for what she is doing one day.

And then there is my active A husband.  I have such hatred and resentment toward him right now.  To actually laugh and tell me that I am getting what I deserve is unforgivable to me.  Just because he is angry at me does not excuse what he has done.  I am tired of being treated as if I have no worth, as if he can toss me to the side like a piece of trash!  I am tired of being accused of being a freeloader when I contribute just as much to the household as he does.  I am tired of being told that "this is my f@#$ house!"  I'm tired of him acting as if he is generous while the whole time he is tallying up the gifts he gives to use against me later.  I'm tired of the selfishness and lack of emotional support.  "Please don't hurt me Julie" he says but yet he is more than willing to tear me down.  Stabbing me with his hatred and vicious words, forcing me to feel his pain.  I'm tired of hearing "It's my way or the highway."  Well, the highway is looking pretty good right now.

I'm sorry for unloading like this but I am having a hard time working thru my anger and resentment.

Julie



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serendipity


~*Service Worker*~

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 I am so sorry things are hard for you right now. I can really relate to the feelings of anger and helplessness. I have tried to be constructive in my anger. I try to use it as my motivator for change within myself. When I am in enough pain, then I change. I used to internalize my anger and then get very depressed. Now I try to set a boundry for myself. It feels much better to use my energy rather than stuff it. One day at a time.......

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Friendofyours


~*Service Worker*~

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I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you have any support at all? Any groups you can join? Al-anon or a good church? Did you call the family support at your court house and see if you could file your own paper work for visitations? If she takes him to court you might be able to show up and ask for that to be in the paper work as well. Just an idea. You can unload here anytime. We have all felt like you at one point or another and probably several times ;)
I also heard "this is my house" alot from my ah. He doesn't do it now because when I filed these divorce papers I told him "look, you get to have YOUR house and I won't be in it!" I had a huge smile on my face too. Of course it was "our" house then. They just say things to hurt us. Try not to take it to heart, I know it's hard. I hope today gets better for you. ((HUGS)) You are in my prayers. ^i^

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BlueCloud


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(((((Julielynn))))),

I am sooo sorry that you're feeling so angry and helpless right now.

I, too, have really been struggling with feelings of anger and resentment over several A-created situations in my life. I wanted to share how I am using the program to help me with my anger and resentment. Before Alanon, I would have thought that the goal was to eliminate all anger and just feel lovey-dovey 24/7 LOL, but through the program and the help of the serenity prayer, I have discovered that anger is important and central to my recovery. Before the program, lots of things ticked me off, but I would just spin and stew in the anger without taking productive action. Recently, whenever I get angry, I say the serenity prayer. Saying the serenity prayer helps me tremendously with discernment in each situation it helps me discern: what I have control over, what I don't and it helps me discern where I can set boundaries.

Here's an example of how I have applied this prayer recently in my own life when my father, the A, decided to end his relationship with me in order to punish me:
God, grant me the serenity [peace, presence of mind]
To accept the things I can not change [the fact that my A-father is punishing me by ending
his relationship with me]
The courage to change the things I can [the thing I can change in this situation is to find ways to acknowledge and express my very legitimate anger over this situation]
The wisdom to know the difference [For me, this is the most important part in my situation. It's helping me discern the difference between using anger to punish--like my father is doing to me--and using anger to protect my own boundaries and decide what is acceptable to me. It's taken a lot of willpower for me not to just lash out at my father and make the situation worse. It's important to me to express my anger to him, but how I do it and for what reasons have become equally important to me].

The serenity prayer is helping me see how lashing out is ineffective because ultimately it doesn't help me protect me, and it keeps me on the A-merry-go-round. Setting boundaries for me, helps protect me. A lot of my boundaries have to do with saying what I will do when XYZ happens. For example, if my A father lights into me on the phone, I will ask him to stop. If he ignores my request, I will quickly end the call. "Dad I've got to go. Let's talk another time." The important part of boundaries is that I can not control other people, but I can take care of me!

Hope this helps! Take what you like, leave the rest!
BlueCloud



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