The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, I went to the counselor with my AH. It was pretty disastrous for me, though my AH seemed pretty happy about the whole thing. I feel like he is attempting to hide things from her, and he won't assume ownership of his actions, his behavior, and their impact on our relationship. We attempted to talk about the other woman issue, and it blew up in my face. I got really angry, and I told my AH I would have rather that he left me instead of sneaking around behind my back. The therapist let into me that I was being mean, and that I shouldn't say things that I don't mean. Then I tried to explain to her that I meant what I said. She pointed out to me that in my husband's mind, what he did wasn't a big deal. I got the feeling that she was telling me that I was making a big deal out of nothing, but she didn't come right out and say it. Then my AH tried to tell her that I had a boyfriend that I was dating for a while! I was so furious, I wanted to leave. There was a man....he sat with me at church and we did spend some time together, but not in the same way, and I certainly didn't meet him online with the intention of having an affair. So the therapist says "see, you both did things that you think aren't a big deal, but that really hurt the other person". WTF?!! Perhaps I am blinded by my anger here, so if I'm off in thinking this is not adding up, someone please say something to me about it and clarify!
We go home, and he's on the phone inviting someone to our house. I had been crying during the session, thanks to some of my childhood being brought up, and I really didn't want any houseguests. After he got off the phone, I told him very nicely that I would appreciate it if he would ask me before inviting guest into our home, and that I wasn't feeling up to have any company tonight. He said something like "I respect what you are saying" and I thought that was odd. We get home and he tells me that he just has to pick something up from his friend, and they are going to meet downstairs, outside the apartment. I come out of the bedroom and his friend is parked on our couch and stays there for more than an hour!! Instead of being all passive-aggressive and broody... when she finally left, I told him flat out that I was upset, that he didn't listen to what I had said, and I was going to bed.
I didn't notice a few incongruencies when the three of us were talking. AH had a new watch, which he claimed his new boss gave to him. The watch came up in conversation, and it turns out that this friend of his gave it to him. I don't feel very good about that...why would he lie about a female family friend giving him an expensive watch? He told me to my face that I was mistaken, and after she left I confronted him, and he just started at the T.V. I don't feel that I am being heard in this relationship.
This is just MY opinion but here's what I would like to do with you.......Come into your house, take you by the hand and lead you right out of that front door and tell you to wave BYE to him. You know the saying "walks like a dog, talks like a dog, smells like a dog then he's a dog?" Your counselor sounds VERY unprofessional to me or really new. I'm sorry but an affair is not "no big deal" I would have verbally slammed her after she made that comment. You are having suspicions and you are more then likely right. This "friend" should have not been invited in. Where is the respect on your husbands part? Why didn't you go in and ask her to leave? It's your house too hun. I hate to see a woman being walked on and lied to. I will be praying hard for you that you get a very strong message on what to do in your life. You deserve Sooooo much better then what your getting (((((HUGS)))))
I could not have said it better than "Friendofyours" has put it. I agree with her 100%! Stand up for yourself and take care of yourself. You deserve respect and honor.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
(((((((TO YOU))))) I could type forever on the subject of MC with AH and with x husband but I have to get to Hosp. Father is in there. Another subject. Anyhoo, You are sooooooooooooo getting walked on and when the MC can not read between the words when your AH has spoken, get another! Been there done that . She is obviously one of the types that is, as Diva said, VERY UNPROFESSIOAL. They are out there. I had a couple and was just shocked at how just plain bad they were. You are a good person. You do need to stand up and do something. Obviously after that session he felt all was ok to proceed. NOT. Tell him to get out. I know how easy to say and very hard to do. One thing that may help to stand up for YOU is to just sit, and just think about all these "things" he has done and will obviously keep doing especially now if what he did right after that session is any indication of where his pea brain may be in the thought process! Keep thinking and get yourself to the point that you realize that #1, you are getting shat upon big time and it is really pissing you off and #2, this is the biggie....... when it is your time to head up to Our Father and his house, think back on your life and say " I should have and I COULD HAVE done something to make the rest of my life better for ME" Please do for YOU!!!! PLEASE!
"I don't feel that I am being heard in this relationship." This is your last line and please forgive my, what may seem, pretty harsh, you are not being heard, seen, respected........It sounds like you are a doormat. Is there even a relationship worth calling a relationship?
Let go and Let God My prayers are with you big time. more hugs, Puzzle
What we se very often in here, and I have seen in my own life, is that counselling, if the counsellor has no experience with addicts, can do more harm than good. The counsellor is very likely to fall for the A's BS - she is working under the assumption that he is a sane person, with a sane agenda - happy marriage, personal needs met, etc. However, that is NOT what he is doing, and not where he is coming from. His agenda is to continue drinking, and blame it all on someone else.
I think it is not really very useful for those who are married to an A to try conventional methods to "make the marriage work". I don't believe that marriage to an active A can "work" in the way most people mean by that - taking care of each other's needs, depending on and trusting each other, etc. It is possible to be OK, to have some joy in life, to keep your love for your A alive, but that is done by accepting the reality of your life. You cannot have a "normal" marriage, and expecting it and being disappointed when it doesn't happen will only rob your life of any joy - it just ain't gonna happen.
Is your therapist "addictions trained?? I think it is fairly common for a marriage counselor to look for "mutual ground" etc., but that seldom works in the wonderful world of addictions. At my ex-A's treatment center, they told us, straight out, that it was their position that it is not likely a good idea to expect anything positive out of any type of marriage counselling with an active A (not sure if yours is or not), and if you DO still want to go, make sure they have training in addictions counselling.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Having been to several different family and relationship counsellors with my ex (A) I found that a lot of them tend to be very goal orientated in the sense that if the goal is for you and your hub to stay together they will do anything to direct attention away from the negative, to re-enforce the positives (like exercises to get you to talk about what you like about each other), to try to de-escalate conflict between you two. I'm sure the counsellor has their own personal thoughts on you two but it's their job to try to get you two to stay together, not give their personal opinion (which may be for you to split). Another thought on this is that counsellors (as opposed to *therapists* and psychologists) are not supposed to tell you what to do or fix it -as I said above- they will only try to get you to reflect on the situation and come to your own conclusions. They will never take sides and say one person is worse than the other. So maybe by brushing over the affair it's getting you to see and feel what you really feel for your husband. In some indirect way it's bringing you closer to taking action. So, what about if you think about what your really want and then tell the counsellor exactly what you want so it's clear and productive, after all it's *your* time, and money, your life. If you want to go to counselling to decide if you need a divorce, then tell the counsellor that. Or if you want to do whatever it takes to stay married, or if you want the counsellor to support you through a separation, they can also usually do that. If you want them to validate you and tell-off your husband they won't do that. You could say you want to focus on how you don't feel you are being heard by your husband and you want to use counselling as a way to let yourself be heard. Then talk about how the affair has made you feel and say what actions you want to take.
