The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Barbs, I know that this has been absolutely devastating for you. I also know that you're not the first that has lived with this. Have you consulted a therapist about this? One of the things I keep seeing in your posts is a HUGE amount of guilt, which is a sign of mental health. It shows that you are willing to take responsibility for yourself and your role in your marriage. But I recall, so vividly, in the book TOXIC PARENTS, written by Susan Forward, how she describes in all of her years of being a councelor that she considers pedophiles "pure evil." She has never, ever, ever, found ANY reason, idea, or thought pattern to explain, help her understand, or gain insight into the realities of this horrendous crime. I agree. I don't care if my father drinks. It doesn't matter I don't care if my father was abused this way by his mother. It doesn't matter. I don't care if my father was never able to find a way to deal with his feelings. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because there is NO EXCUSE for abuse. Period. End of quote. NO EXCUSE. You don't have to live with the guilt. You have the reponsibility of being an adult and a parent to your son, even at 27. You do, however, have to make a choice about living. If you want to go on living, I suggest you find a therapist to help process through these very real, very honest, and very justifiable feelings. It is entirely up to you whether or not you go on living or go on dying. Shaming is a form of self sucide by soul killing. Guilt is the self torturing that precedes. Choose your path carefully.
Pedophilia is a totally different sickness then alcoholism. I also think you should find a counselor to talk about this since it's too different things. Good luck. ^i^
I believe that my A b/f uses alcohol as a way of not dealing with his emotions, one of them being guilt for harm he has caused others. His mother died from the disease and from what he has told me she was pretty neglectful of her children during the course of her life. She was his mother, though, and he misses her terribly to this day. This doesn't have anything to do with pedophilia, except that I would agree that this could likely prevent recovery in anyone. I can only imagine the demons your AH had, based on his actions. Please be good to yourself. Try to turn you guilt into action, to heal yourself. You and your son have my best wishes on your roads to recovery.
I can only give you my opinion here so take it for what it's worth. There are things that all people do which cause them some sort of pain or at least discomfort. Something they say, something they do, or something they don't do that they feel they should have.
That's life... that's how we learn.
What I believe is that our reactions are what makes the difference. Some react by drinking... and for whatever reason they think that solves their problem. Most stumble on it innocently. Feeling lonely or unsucessful for some time, thing go out drinking with friends. Wow, I felt great while I was plastered.
So... I feel guilty or shameful or lonely or ... whatever - I drink and I feel fine. From now on that's the plan. Well ... that is only a mind game (a kind of denial).
Think of it this way,
I touch a stove and it burns. Running cool water over it helps take the sting away. So everytime I touch the hot stove I will do that. What happened to not touching the hot stove?
I think... that an absense of brutally honesty with yourself is what stops most people from getting help or really deciding to quit. If that honesty is too tough, they continue to lie to themselves and make excusses to everyone else.
That is what I see in the A's in mylife.
I'm glad you are here. There some great resourses in this program. Keep working it.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
As far as being a pedophile, from my experience in mental health issues, something about us learned as we grew up, is later what "turns" us on.
It could be many things, maybe a first sexual experience was curiosity from a younger person we experimented with. Maybe the person was sexual abused as a child so inturn gets turned on by children becuz we relate to when we were sexually stimulated as a child.
It can all be so convaluted and confusing. I mean look at society, women shave their hair off their legs, arms armpits girl parts to supposedly be more sexual, looking like a twelve year old kid!
It is ok for men to have their natural hair as they get older. Society can make things very confusing to people. Look at magazines. Seems to be in to look like a kicking Heroin addict who is a gangster.
Lips made to look bigger becuz when we are turned on, our lips swell up.
so many things are taken for granted that are really sick.
I am a woman, I am glad I am a woman. I have had some very amazing men in my life as many of my friends and own daughter have. None of us shave our arms or our legs. We don't have prickly legs or armpits. Our legs are always soft.
Only a small portion of the worlds women shave everything.
Well anyway, I believe we are turned on, but what we are turned on by. It is nothing a person can change. I don't believe a pedophile or any other sexual deviant can be retrained.
I am very glad you posed this question. Thank you.
You know a person is either born an addict or they are not. Genetics are very very much involved. There are tests now we can take to find out if we have the markers that predisposition us to being an addict.
I don't have any experiance with this, but I thought I could add just a little to what Tiger had said about pedophiles being pure evil. A friend of mine told me once about a friend of hers, a gentleman who works in prison ministries. After years of ministering to murderers, rapists, drug dealers and other hard criminals, this minister said that the only "class" of criminals he felt could not be rehabiliated and live with God were pedophiles. They see no wrong in their actions and desires.
I think something must be missing from the soul of a person who could do that to a child, so I don't think it has squat to do with the alcoholism. He would be a pedophile drunk or sober, high or straight, end of story.
Thank you all for your different opinions, as I can appreciate it is not a subject that some people feel comfortable with.
I want you all to understand, that I myself have coped with this, even though it has been difficult at times.
I guess the sad thing is my son is the one who continues to suffer from the fact that he was abused by his stepfather.
I can only hope that one day my son will recover from this, and I can establish my relationship with him again. He knows I care about him and had always supported him when he revealed that he'd been abused.
Most importanly I just want my son to be happy, even if it doesn't include me being part of his life.
