The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I, we have marriage counseling this week. I am dreading going, mainly because he's been brooding over my latest actions for the latter part of the week, and I know I am going to look like a complete a**hole in our session today.
I finally got really fed up last week, this time over the woman who has been calling him. They have had a relationship for over a year, and he promised me that he would stop talking to her. I opened up our phone bill and there was her phone number, nearly every single hour of the day. So I called it, and her husband answered. And I told him what was happenning - that my AH met his wife on an online sex pick-up site and they've been chatting all hours of the night for over a year.
When she got home, I guess her husband balled her out or something, because she immediately called my husband! He is now furious with me, and layed down some rules for me. He said it was NOT my decison to make on my own (to call this woman's house), that I should have consulted us first, and that I've turned an issue that should have been kept between me, him and our therapist into one that now involves "2 more people and their friends and family".
From my perspective, I don't exactly CARE about this woman and what happens to her, I care about what has been going on in my home and what I can do to put an end to it. She's contributed to ruining our relationship, so I felt justified in telling her husband. Part of me feels like she shouldn't get away with all the hurt and pain she has caused me. I don't know... I know it was my AH's actions that led to her calling in the first place and continuing to call him. If he hadn't been trolling online for sex, this wouldn't have happened in the first place.
He's also demanding that I stop drinking, which I am having issues with. I do enjoy going out with friends, and enjoying a cocktail or a glass of wine every now and then. I am by no means an alcoholic myself, so I don't understand why I can't continue to have an occassional drink outside of our home. It's not as though I plan to come home wasted at night, but my AH seems pretty bent on me not drinking at all, ever. It's frustrating.....
He broke his promise (to stop calling her), and you feel you're the one who looks like an a-h-le? I don't think so. Not to me, at least.
I don't know if you were right or wrong to call the number yourself - for me, these things boil down to motivation. Was I trying to help or to hurt? Even when I still can't answer that question, the exercise of examining what my part really was is good for me and for my recovery, ie, learning and practicing healthier behaviours for myself.
As for escalating something that "only involved the 2 of you and your therapist", that to me is smoke and mirrors. What, the other woman wasn't involved? What, her husband and her relationship weren't affected by her attention being focused elsewhere? Sorry, I don't buy it.
What comes through loud and clear to me in your post is that it's not actually about phone sex, calling, not calling, drinking, not drinking, or any of that - it's about control. It sounds possible to me that everybody is so busy being in charge of everybody else, they're not keeping their own side of the street clean. The good news is that a good therapist can help enormously with this. And as far as keeping your own side of the street clean, alanon can help YOU enormously with that.
And you don't have to make any lifetime decisions today - for today, you can just decide what's right for today. Good luck, keep coming back, & keep us posted
Sounds like a power and control issue to me. He wants to make u do what he wants u to do whether u like it or not. Alcohol is NOT your problem it's his and he has no right to tell u what u can and can't do. From the story u told I wouldn't say u r the one who is being a complete asshole. And as for the woman I would have been out the door in a hot second, but that's me. And of course human nature is going to take over. U saw the bill, u were pissed, u did what u did. It's not your problem how they handle the info u gave - truth hurts! Now maybe u did do this in a vengeful way, we can't all be perfect all the time. Just remember u can only control u but u don't have to live with being controlled...
