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Well I think my A got a bit of a wake-up call seeing me with someone else recently. He showed up at my place today saying he felt like his heart had been ripped out and that he wanted to stop drinking if it meant he could have his family back (meaning me and our son).. However he said after seeing me at the park with someone else he went home and drank and he said he contemplated doing something 'stupid'.. I said to him I can't do this anymore, be in this limbo where we live separately and he tries to show me that he can not drink and be responsible. He won't let go (like the saying either poop or get off the toilet, if you know what I mean). I told him the bottom line is I will not be with him so long as he is involved with alcohol. So he said okay he will stop then. I told him saying it is not good enough anymore, I want nothing to do with him and I might consider otherwise if I see some significant changes after a good period of time, like about 6 months. So now he is saying he realises this and wants to do something about it. The problem is he says he still wants the chance to be with me and is worried that the time apart will cause us to drift apart and I will end up with someone else and he will be left high and dry, so to speak. I said if he does nothing at all though that that is a sure way to get nothing at all ever again from me. I told him I think it's great if he wants to do something about the drinking, but I can't live with him or be in a relationship with him until he can demonstrate to me that it's under control. He keeps asking me though how we will maintain any sort of relationship, what sort of contact we can have. And I don't know! Does anyone here have any ideas, or experience to do with this?
It seems you have set a boundary for yourself and your sticking to it....great job. As for his quiting...well it will only work if he does it for himself. If he is only doing it to get you to take him back he may quit for awhile but there is less of a chance of it really working unless it is for him.
How much contact should you have with him? This is something only you know the answer to........how much contact are you comfortable with? On what level do you want the relationship? These are things you need to ask yourself, not just for you but also in consideration of him. After you know what you are comfortable with make sure he knows....... a or not, he deserves to know where he stands, plus this will make it easier for you since he won't be expecting more than you are comfortable giving. So think about it, talk to a sponsor if you have one, ask your HP for guidance.
I remember so well having this same conversation over and over again with my AH. Everytime I left we would have this conversation and eventually (when I was satsified that he had done enough, been sober long enough, said enough of the "right" things) I would go back. The problem with that was he never got sober for himself. He got sober for me and the kids. His sobriety lasted for long periods doing it this way and working his program. 3 years at one point. But resentments would creep in. He would resent me for "making "him get sober, I would resent him for "making"me be responsible for his sobriety. He said the same things to me that your husband is saying to you. We were living seperatly and I was willing to work on things and his idea was how could we possibly really work on our marriage when we weren't living together. And the what if's....what if you change your mind, what if you find someone new....Looking back it just seems like more of our co-dependent dance done to new music. but i know i had to go thru all of it to get to where i am today. i don't regret going back. I have learned alot. Just be careful and do what is best for you. Remember he has a disease. It doesn't go away just because he said it did. Be good to yourself.
The A has to get sober for him or herself--not for us. That being said, who cares what gets them into the rooms of AA in the first place!! After that, I think that we have to set boundaries to take care of ourselves first and not cater to the A and the disease.
When my AH and I separated over a year ago we set some ground rules--$$ contribution, no dating outside the marriage and we continued to attend family functions together. I don't know if he kept to all of those ground rules--something else I had no control over, but I was willing to abide by them--I was healing and attending Al-Anon and really didn't need to be involved with anyone else. Most importantly, I was not ready to give up on our marriage yet.
Additionally, I set my own boundaries for myself such as, I did not call him--that way I was not checking up on him and it helped me with detachment and letting go of him and our relationship and placing both of them in my HP's hands.
Eventually, the rules changed as he remained sober and really got plugged into recovery, but it has taken 1 1/2 years. I am glad that we have handled it the way we have though because he knows he is sober for himself and can take care of himself (I am no longer the "mom") and I know that if we ultimately move back in together it will be because it is what my HP wants NOT simply what I want. There has always been the chance (and there still is, I suppose) that we will drift apart and not reconcile. But I have learned that that will mean that it was not meant to be. I spent so much of our marriage trying to make things nice so that he would be happy and would not leave. Part of my recovery has come in realizing that I don't want him to stay if it is not real and if it is not what my HP wants for my life.
Good luck and take care of you!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Hello mama. for me it was all or nothing ,stop drinking and give AA a try or he could stay where he was , I knew that I was going to be okay with out him . My husband of 25 yrs came home detoxed and never looked back , AA worked for him and Al-Anon for me that was 19 yrs ago . If your not living to gether but both hope to reunite if he makes the effort and you continue with your meetings I would think a commitment to not date anyone else might help. I don't see it as putting your life on hold again jsut time for both of you to heal in your own programs , either way it is a win win situation for you , you get to know u better work on becomming the person u want to be- with or with out him . Both people in a A relationship have to change not just the alcoholic . I wish u luck Louise
You sound so much like me. I feel so fortunate that my A has whole-heartedly embraced AA and is making amazing changes in his life. I'm so proud of him, but this recovery is still very new. This friday will be 2 months. We are now struggling with working on our relationship. Now that he is dealing with the demons in his life that lead him to drink, I can let go of that and am forced to deal with my own. I find myself crying about me now and my own fears, instead of crying over things he has said and done. I doubt myself in so many ways. Obviously I'm not the best person to be choosing relationships because if I were so good at it, I wouldn't have wasted 6 years on this disfunctional one, right? I can see that my A is VERY different, because we can talk about problems and he actually listens to me. That's something he has NEVER done before AA. He tried to quit drinking several times in the past. The problem was he only tried to quit drinking. The drinking is just a symptom. The disease goes much deeper and unless you address the dysfunctional thoughts that underly the drinking, it will be back with a vengence. No one can set a timeline or tell you how much contact is enough. My A and I discuss this one on a daily basis. He wants more time with me and I'm not ready to give it. He has very little patience and wants immediate gratification and results. That's why he drank. AA has been helping with that. Unfortunately is took a failed suicide attempt for my A to see that he really needed AA and needed to make drastic changes in his life. I left him and told him I was okay with the idea that he might killl himself. My A and I have come to a mutual understanding that if time is what it takes, that's okay. We're talking about the rest of our lives here. Let's take it slow and do it right so it lasts the rest of our lives. Even if things don't work out for me and my A, I'm not ready for a new relationship anyway. I have so much work to do for me. Finding someone else is the LAST thing on my mind.
