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I had a nice afternoon with my Asober bf....my family had been visiting and he was on his best behavior. But all morning wasmisery...me crying, him criticizing but saying he wasn't....saying my reaction to what he says is my responsibility and I always misjudge his words...sounds too much to me like conversations we had when he was using....we fall asleep....that night things still pretty fine and i am happy....then he mentions plans for the next day (the day he had originally said would be an us day and he'd take me out to lunch and do stuff around the house ...I go for surgery the next am...) he says an AA friend who just got out of jail is making little pipe bombs to blow up out in the fields and he's gonna go play. My mood changes and I say are you sure you wanna do something illegal like that right now...he gets pissed and says its good clean sober fun and gets pissed at my criticism....i just roll over and say good night not wanting to get into that dynamic again...he gets pissed at me rolling over even tho he was reading and seemingly bothered by me anyhow.....i say sorry again....now i wake up crying , worrying about my surgery, worrying that he does things I really don't feel comfortable with, worrying that my kids see me crying too much, not knowing what to do cause if he sees me crying he'' be pissed and if I mention that its cause of my worries with him and his explosive plans he'll be irrate for me taking his inventory or something and he'll say mind your oun @&#!%$ business...and I'll cry again. I just want to have a good day before surgery...I know that is up to me but I do have expectations of my partner. He lies on the couch for days unable to work etc, but then he can go make a bomb?! (tiny and not for anyreason but fun mind you)...but still.... I am still worn by the dr jeckel and mr hyde of him.
Nothing worse than waking up crying... do this on a regular basis... Take today, go somewhere.... window shopping, lunch, anything to brighten your day... wear yourself out so you can go home, sleep, have a good day before your surgery. I know easier said than done but I find if I get out of the house and away.... what a difference, now if I could just get to where I don't hate coming home.... LOL
Good luck on your surgery, please keep us posted....
You can have a good day before your surgury without him, so go have it. Maybe an outdoor day with the kids, maybe dump them at a babysitter and call up a girlfriend, or take YOURSELF, with a trashy magazine or a good book, to the best restaurant in town. He's the one missing out on a day with you, not the other way around.
You are not the tag-along sidekick to his life, you have your own life. The alcoholic assumes that he is the planet, and the rest of us are moons spinning around him, but WE don't have to play along unless we want to.
Fifi, I cannot help but wonder if this is the kind of life you really, really want for you and your children???? You DO have a choice here, and I believe if I were in your situation, this bf would be history.
I do wish you well, and send you positive thoughts,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It is so difficult to not take that ride with him. As they say in the program, one day at a time. Can you have a moment of peace and serenity for an hour? Can you go to your HP for that support that you need before your surgery? A speaker tape that I listen to says you should go to bed laughing and wake up singing! I am definitely fakin' it til I make it. But isn't that a wonderful thought?
Fifi - living on a rollercoaster is about the worst, sober does not= recovery. He is still battling with his body, over drinking. And you are expecting too much from an A. Just because they go to AA or quit drinking, it doesn't mean that the rollercoaster is going to stop, but you can get off, but only you know when you have reached you limit with what you can handle. I know it is a very hard decision to leave, I left almost a year ago. It took me months to decide. And it was for the best, my kids hated him, I was miserable. Now we talk daily ( more than we did when we were married) and he sees the kids regularly (more than there father). I think he is doing better because he figured out he lost another family!
Do something for you, before you surgery! Just get your mind off it for even a few minutes.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hi Fifi, I have been there. When my mind gets stuck on my b/f what has helped me is to repeat in my head, let it go, let it go, let it go and to get up and do something I like. Take my daughter to the water and throw rocks, she loves that and it always does my heart so good to see her laughing and smiling. If you have childcare, go get a manicure. I have done this even when I can't afford it. All the while repeating in my head, let it go. I'm new to this, but that helped me the last time I felt so blue and was obsessing about why my relationship was such a mess. Take care of yourself! Your family here is rooting for you! I hope everything goes well with your surgery. Please keep up posted!
