The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey family. It seems like i've been doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself lately. i hate that. i hate being sad and depressed, and sometimes i hate my husband for making me feel this way. then i remember, that i'm letting him make me feel this way. and that makes me so angry at myself. why do i let him do this to me? i thought that when he finally admitted to me that he had a drinking problem, things would get better. hah. i wish we could go back to the way we were, where i was in denial about it, and he wasn't asking me for help to quit. he asks me to help him, and i say i'm not your mother, i'm your wife and i will not get after you whenever you drink. he says he just wants me to be supportive-like i haven't been supportive this whole time!!!! what more does he want from me? and be supportive of what? him locking himself into our room and polishing off a 12 pack? i let him get my expectations up, and i should know better. don't have expectations. expectations are just future letdowns. i know that. why do i let him get my hopes up? it's easy to say oh i drink too much, i need to quit, i won't drink this much tomorrow, when you've already had 12 beers and don't know what you're saying. i've noticed that since he asked me for help, he's getting good at hiding the emptys. and the full ones too. i have no idea where he keeps them in the house. not his usual hiding places. and why am i looking for them? i don't know why he hides them, it's not like i'm going to say anything about it. i made that decision, that i'm not going to say a word to him about his drinking. but keeping it all bottled in i know is not healthy. i just get angrier and things build up and then we start fighting, but not fighting about what really is the problem. i just want to scream at him and say, grow up! you have a family and you're missing it because you're drinking the nights away. he says he's upstairs studying and doing homework (he's working on his bachelors degree) but i think he just uses that as an excuse to be alone and drink. it pisses me off so much that he is shirking his responsibilities. i earned my bachelors degree with 3 kids, and i never pushed my responsibilities off on anyone else. i was always there at night, doing dinner, playing, baths and bedtime. i did my homework when they were up and playing. when i try to tell him my frustrations, tell him that i'm tired of feeling like a single parent, he just gets mad and blows up. he says i was allowed to get my degree and he should be allowed to get his. and it was different because i wasn't working full time while going to school like he is. like having 3 kids isn't a full time job! sometimes i think, no i know, i'm purposely allowing myself to be miserable. i'm trying to make myself a martyr for some reason. i was so upset because he hadn't wanted sex for the last 4 weeks. so what do i do, i get mad when he does finally want it, because i'm so upset with him that i don't even want him touching me. what is wrong with me? i'm mad when he doesn't want it, mad when he does. i'm purposely staying angry with him. i'm so messed up. i have all these emotions swirling around that i don't know how to deal with. i've come to a realization though lately that i don't know is helping me or hurting me. i was talking out my feelings, to myself because i have no one to talk to, and i realized that i've been doing things my whole life for the people around me. i've been the kind of person they've expected me to be. i've never been myself. i don't even know who i really am because of that. when i met my h i became who he wanted me to be. and he was upset when i wasn't like that. and he was upset thinking about the person i was before i met him. so i try my hardest to be the kind of person he wants me to be. he doesn't even know the real me. i don't even know the real me. i think the real me is crazy though. i think when i start having all these horrible thoughts about leaving everyone behind, including my kids, and just going away and changing my name and starting over, or thinking about having an affair, i think that's the real me coming out. and that scares the crap out of me. some days i actually struggle with staying here and not running away. i pray every day for strength and i'm afraid one day it won't be enough. i'm tired of being strong, tired of being sad, tired of being tired. i'm glad i found a place to come and vent. hopefully he won't see this site and read some of my thoughts. thanks for letting me vent.
Keep coming back and keep praying. You sound strong. When you get down, pick yourself up dust yourself off and do somthing nice for yourself to take you outof that crazy world if only for awhile.
You have done a lot with your life already, be proud and take care of your children. The real you is there, focus on you, and you WILL, find yourself again.
Hugs, Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I can totally relate to how you feel about feeling crazy... that's me most of the time... convincing myself to not walk out... not sure that I really would anyways.... but then thinking one day I'm going to fall in to such a depression I can't get out.
I'm totally miserable and I've pretty much decided that I want out of this relationship.... even when he tries, the anger is so strong, I just don't believe its fixable. I know deep down I'm not crazy, there was a time (almost 4.5yrs ago) before I met him when I was on my own with my kids that I was happy.... I was busting my butt, barely making enough to skate by but I did it.... and I was happy... I truelly loved myself. With all this drinking, and lying, I've just completely lost ME.
I will get it back.... I know what I have to do... I just don't know where to start.....
Mind if I ask how long you two have been together? How old are your kids?
Everything you are saying sounds so familiar, there is nothing wrong with you. Or, rather, there is something wrong, but it's what alanon can help you fix.
People pleasers and alcoholics seem to go together, it's like we glom right onto the hardest-to-please people possible. We pour ourselves into tthe bottomless pit of their needs, until there is nothing left of us. The answer to this is not to wish that they would stop being bottomeless pits, but for us to stop pouring. We have no contol over them but we DO have control over ourselves.
Please, if you are not going to face to face meetings already, start going. Don't know how old your kids are, but don't let their needs stop you - you also have needs, and the healthier you get, the better for them. They already have one crazy parent, they don't need two.
Read our literature, come here. There is help for you, if you take the focus off of him, and put it on yourself, where it belongs.
If you feel worried about him coming here and reading your posts, make sure your user name will not identify you. Don't put any identifying info in your profile, and log out when you leave. Your story is close enough to that of hundreds of others, as long as you keep the details vague. Anyway, your husband knows you are desperately unhappy, it's no secret.
Keep coming back here, you will be amazed at how many people's stories sound just like yours...because yours sounds just like mine! I agree with Nancy's post:
People pleasers and alcoholics seem to go together, it's like we glom right onto the hardest-to-please people possible. We pour ourselves into tthe bottomless pit of their needs, until there is nothing left of us. The answer to this is not to wish that they would stop being bottomeless pits, but for us to stop pouring. We have no contol over them but we DO have control over ourselves.
Nancy has described me to a "T". Always putting others before myself. Obviously I have to do that with my kids, but not with my alcoholic spouse, but it took me a very very long time to figure this out. He is a grown man and I can't make him do or, more importantly, not do anything. Someone else here said "he will do what he will do...what are you going to do?". Words to live by. We are all here for a common reason. My thoughts get so twisted by his drinking some days that I find myself thinking the only way out of this misery is for one of us to die....not a very pleasant feeling.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
Being powerless allows us 2 things in my opinion. It makes us realize we cannot change the alcoholic and it also gives us permission to stop trying. Trying to change them is like going around the same mountain over and over. There are 12 steps toward the top to a place where you can breathe and smile.
Stop trying be the kind of person he wants you to be. You can't. Begin to do things that YOU like to do. Begin to discover yourself. You are lost in the insanity of it all as we all have been. I recall the "I drink too much" and "I need to quit" statements. I came to know it was just manipulation on his part. A way to give me enough hope to make me stay and put up with it longer. When I quit allowing myself to be involved in his misery I felt much better. When you stop letting them suck you in it sometimes causes them to take a look at themselves. If they can't manipulate you, get a reaction, make you cry, feel bad about yourself.. it leaves them standing alone in their disease. How do you do that? You do about anything you can think of to take the focus off of them and put it on yourself. If he's locked in the bedroom with a 12 pack..leave him there, go find something to do. You'd be surprised the difference it makes in you and there is ALWAYS something to do. Library, park, walks, friends, movies, lunch etc. I literally dug up things to do. Sometimes things I had never done before. I just forced myself. No longer was I going to sit home in misery. I had choices. I knew what did not work, now I was determined to find something that did. You have choices in everything you do and feel. But if the same path is continued, it's hard to change anything. Two Alanon sayings come to mind. "Nothing changes if nothing changes" and "Let it begin with me". Those two sayings hit me like a one-two punch one day. I'd heard thembefore but one day I got fed up, angry, and just sick and tired of the way my life was going. I felt and heard a resounding "NO More!!!!!" in my head. If you haven't found a local meeting yet, that's a good place to start. Care about yourself enough to do so. Afterward, you can gather all your emotions one by one and find places to file them. Before you know it you will be making new folders and filing words like.... "my choices, joy, gratitude, self respect, strength and power" on them.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
minnie wrote: i pray every day for strength and i'm afraid one day it won't be enough. i'm tired of being strong, tired of being sad, tired of being tired. i'm glad i found a place to come and vent. ((((minnie))))
Those words have come out of my own mouth word for word many times. I'm sure I'm not the only one, either.
I have an Alanon friend who used to take a few nights in a motel when she got too overwhelmed. She just needed some time to herself.
Dont beat yourself up because you "should know better". Knowing something and putting it to practical use are two different things. These skills we are learning take trial and error, and practice, practice, practice.
Do something for you. Get your focus off of him. You really don't have to be strong every minute. It is ok to break down once in a while and say "enough I cant do any more right now".
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Boy, I can identify with your post and have just been thinking of embarking on an affair also. I feel so undervalued and under appreciated. Hang in there, I will say a prayer for you and I plan on doing something positive and nice for myself. Knowing my luck, I'd meet someone far worse than my ex-A who is driving me round the twist at present.
My dh and I were outside once and he was cleaning up his truck he went down to check his spare tire (which is up and under the truck) and he found a full bottle under there. He didn't even remember hiding it there. He knew I would never look there. I've found them everywhere too. I looked because I wanted to be the one to find them and not my children. I was surprised when I found pain killers too. When I finally came to realize that my husband and I were not going to be together I set out to find someone to spend the night with. I just wanted to feel like a woman and to be touched and needed. I knew I would feel bad about it.......but ya know what? I didn't. It was great. ;) It was only a one night stand which I never did before. I know alot of before feel when your married it's just wrong. (I had divorce papers out there so I felt already divorced) Go figure he would later become sober for seven months after that. I did tell him the "secret" and he hates it but understands that I didn't see a future with him. We don't talk about it. But I understand where your at and how your feeling. It's normal. You are right and you should NOT be his mother. Good girl for telling him that. I have three children ages 6,5,5 and it is like your taking on another child. I just got tired of it all and booted him out. He knows by having roomates that he's not easy to get along with and pick up after, ect. lol Maybe yours needs to wake up too. Sorry to ramble. ANyway..........good luck and your not alone. I understand what your feeling. Sounds like your working on detaching.
Hi everyone. Thanks so much for listening and all the good advice. Like I said, I was just in my woe-is-me-i-feel-so-sorry-for-myself mood. Unfortunately that happens a lot lately, but it helps to be able to come here and vent. To answer questions, we've been together for 11 years, married for 9, since I was 16. We have 4 kids, ages 7, 6, 4 and 19 months. I love him, I really do, he just frustrates me so much. I grew up in a horrible home, and I vowed I wouldn't live like that when I grew up and got married, that I wouldn't put my kids through anything. And I had no idea when we got married our life would end up like it is now. I guess I'm more afraid of the future. I'm afraid things are going to get out of control, that he'll do something he won't be able to come back from after he's been drinking, like hurting me or the kids, cheating or killing himself or someone else if he drives. I don't want to just sit here and wait for the maybes of the future. But at least he's not a mean drunk. Just an isolated one. I guess I should be thankful for that at least. Again thanks for listening. I love you guys!
