Codependency - Al-Anon Family Group

mama_nz · Senior Member

Codependency

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Great post, mama nz. Food for thought.

BlueCloud · Senior Member

Mama_Nz,

Thank you for the thought-provoking post!
I thought I would share my own perspective and ES&H on the questions that you asked. I am in no way an expert on this subject, but I do self-identify as co-dependent and I thought I would share my current understandings with you. I hope my responses are useful to you. Please take what you like and leave the rest!

Q: I'm was a bit confused by this term. Did it imply that if you live with what you believe to be an alcoholic and you display co-dependent traits that you may just be imagining or exaggerating the fact that the other person has a problem??

R: To me, the term co-dependent does not imply that we are imagining or exaggerating the problem of alchololism (or other addictions). Rather, in my own life, it means that my responses to the problem of alcholism are too often ineffective, don't in any way resolve the real problem, and in the process make me sicker. For example, in my own life I often think that the more I obsess about the problem (stop my own life to babysit the A) or try to control the problem (throwing out alcohol), I will eliminate the problem, but of course that doesn't work. For me, I have needed recover from my co-depedency; I have needed to see that trying to solve the problems in my life through these types of behaviors, keep me from participating in my own life, and solving my own problems. In fact, I am powerless to resolve alcohlism, only HP and they A can do that. However, I can set boundaries so the A's behavior has as minimal an impact on me as possible. Now, I ask myself: What do I need to do today? What would be satisfying today? How can I take care of myself today? Ultimately, the alcholic is not my responsibility, I am my responsibility. And, trying to take responsiblity for the alcholic's thinking, actions, behavior, emotions, etc. means that my life becomes unmangeable.

Q: So, I thought I'd like to know then who in the world can live with a person with an alcohol problem and NOT display these traits?? Is there anyone out there who from day one *never* got angry, hurt or disappointed?

For me, yes, I absolutely get hurt, angry, and disappointed. However, the way I deal with this hurt, and anger, and disappointment has changed radically. First, I acknowledge my feelings to myself (and my HP). Then, I decide what will really change this situation for me. Sometimes, it may be talking directly to the A (when he/she is not drinking), but I have found other solutions, too: using physical activity as a release (walking, taking karate or kickboxing, punching a pillow), writing a letter that I do not send, talking to my sponsor, and working the steps etc. I try to figure out my part in the situation and fix the part of the situation I can. This way, I am nolonger particpating in and perpetuating insanity. I am part of the solution of creating a healthy, sane life for myself.

Q: Does being co-dependent mean that the people we believe have a drinking problem really don't have a problem, we are just exaggerating? Making a big deal out of nothing?: 'No, they're not alcoholic, we're just co-dependent'. I think that would be the ultimate co-dependent thing to say! It totally excuses the other person and makes it something that the 'co-dependent' person has to change, always bending over backwards to make the other person feel less uncomfortable.

R: Alcholism is absolutely a real problemm and it has a very significant and real impact on the family physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially, etc. In terms of bending over backwards, in my co-dependent responses, I find I have responded in one of two ways: a) bent over backwards to lessen my excrutiating feelings of how difficult it is to watch someone self-destruct. The classic example of this is when the alcoholic family knows the A is about to bounce a check and cannot take the anxiety and puts money in his/her bank account.
However, the problem has been that when I respond this way, I am cushioning the alcholic from the reality of his or her choices.

b) bend over backwards to make the person less uncomfortable by people-pleasing, denying the problem, not setting boundaries, not addressing legitimate anger, etc. Ultimately, this type of behavior on my part only makes me extremely angry and insane.

Q: What would be the opposite of co-dependent? In-dependent? Does that mean the only solution to not being co-dependent is to live and let live? To let go? I think I understand now.

A: The hardest and most overarching thing I work on, is not letting the Alcoholic in my life rule my world like a tiny god in which I let his drinking and alcoholic behavior/viewpoint/thoughts impact me to the point where I am not caring for myself. Before I found Al-Anon, all my thoughts would be on how to keep the ship from sinking LOL, and I would completely neglect my own needs and desires. Now, I try to love for and care for all aspects of myself (physical, mental, spiritual, social, and emotional). For example, I exercise, I work my steps, I go to meetings and develop friendships, I participate in therapy, I work with my sponsor, and do a lot of reading of Al-Anon, I relax. My life is not alcohol and the alcoholic, my life is ME. I try to be caring and loving of the alcholic in my life, but their problem no longer consumes me. I practice loving detachment. The fact that I do not live with my A dad, certainly makes this easier. I have real joy and deep down satisfaction my life whether the alcoholic is drinking or not!

One final thought: the term co-dependency has been debated and disputed within the academic and addiction community. Some see the term as blaming the spouse/loved and falsely accusing them of being sick, when the spouse/loved one is just coping the best they can, not necessarily sick. However, for me, I really do see myself in MANY of these behaviors, and the list of co-dependent traits really resonates for me and helps me name behaviors. At the same time I remind myself, that labels are just labels. They are intended to be helpful, but one size does not fit all. And, labels are for educating myself, I try not to use them to beat myself up.

Again, thank you for posting! It was helpful for me to get more clarity on these issues, too by writing out my responses to your questions.

BlueCloud

-- Edited by BlueCloud at 22:01, 2007-03-04

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.