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I am just gonna ramble because my mind is foggy.....days,nights,events,arguments,conflicts, LACK OF UNDERSTANDING....life with my live in A bf has gotten to a really confusing place. He is sober, going to meetings and therapy and trying to handle his underlying problems as a sober adult for the first time. He is helpful around the house and helps with my kids alot. But it seems like i can do no right,,,,anything i say or do has a critcal/harsh response. Right now he would read this and be angry for describing it like that. I try to remedy and he says I am defensive and should have had that perspective first. I feel like I am always saying sorry. He says I never say sorry or if i do for the wrong reasons or at the wrong time then i feel frustrated and sad and i cry and he is annoyed by that and walks away. I respect the walking away because a mess can't be fixed till heads are cooler. But the cycle is aweful....i am in recovery myself as a codependant and i am waking up to alot of difficult parts of me and mybehavior that is painful to say the least and i do a lot of not liking myself, so to have him acting so dissappointed inme too leaves me feeling like i am Nothing! Not to mention the disapproval of me by my parents...I feel like i am always letting them down and I'm not good enough. Time to get off the piss pot and clean the house and make breakfast...thanks for being there as a place to put my feelings where i don't have to be ashamed and i know noone will yell back at me. So much love to you all, fifi
ps why do we live with /accept /detach from this criticism...seems masochistic...why not just walk away....i turn it on myself and say it is part my fault too so fix it/detach seems the answer...i wonder if there is a healthier model i am missing...
The A I live with is very very very critical of anything I do. Some days I do well at detaching. There are other days when I can't bear it. I also feel very very strongly he never does his share of the housework, never has, never will. And that wears on me after a long time.
Try this....Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself "you are a great person". Anytime this disease starts taking your self worth you need to remind yourself. People feed off of the way you feel about yourself. It wasn't until I kept reminding myself that I was pretty and I was a great mother, a great lover, a great friend that I actually started believing it and acting that way. Don't let what ANYONE else thinks about you make you feel bad about yourself. It doesn't matter what they think about you. Sounds like you need to get out of a "rut" and do something nice for yourself. Good luck.
I sure am vulnerable to criticism coming from anybody, like a knee jerk reaction. Over the years and working with 12 step principles off and on, I realized I give people permission to criticize me.
No, I don't mean I beg them for it, or ask for it, but when they open their mouth and have at it, I THINK I MUST DESERVE IT for some reason, like I have to listen to it and take it in. I don't, though. It's a choice, too.
Also, unless you are criticizing yourself , there is another person involved. My revelation in this last episode of my A's relapse is he is the last person I give permission to critisize ME. His life, and now his mind, are such a mess that I'm surprised he gets through the day without a catastrophe, and he tells me to get over it and forgive him so he can come home. It's a self esteem thing, and an "I've had it!" thing. He's proved his utter lack of judgement, and I'll get my criticism from other Al Anonners and good friends, thank you!
In a perfect world, the A in early recovery should be focussing entirely on themself, and avoid taking another person's inventory. In a perfect world, they would be grateful that you cooked dinner and let them actually sit at table and eat with you. So when my A starts in that I shouldn't have put this or that in some food I made for him (he doesn't even live here!) it is very hard not to laugh out loud. A few times, I even told him "You are damn lucky I'm even speaking to you."
My sponsor gave me 10 seconds a day to say what I felt to my A. After that it is rantiing and they don't hear it anyway. It doesn't really help the A, but it lets you release a little off your chest.
Might want to try that for a few days and see if you releave enough of your frustration to get you by.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
, there is another person involved. My revelation in this last episode of my A's relapse is he is the last person I give permission to critisize ME. His life, and now his mind, are such a mess that I'm surprised he gets through the day without a catastrophe, and he tells me to get over it and forgive him so he can come home. It's a self esteem thing, and an "I've had it!" thing. He's proved his utter lack of judgement, and I'll get my criticism from other Al Anonners and good friends, thank you!