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Well, I survived a trip with my AHsober to see our son in the military. My AHsober was so careful to avoid any close contact with me. I just love the way he lectures our son - do what I say and not what I do.
I told him that I see that we have 4 meetings - he presents his side, I present my side, we share together, and then we make a decision. We met tonight. We met at a coffee shop and were pretty civil. He wants the divorce, he has the papers to file, he says I am very clear about what I want and why (30 years of threats of divorce), he is an alcoholic and won't change, and he only has a little time left on the planet. He said the sooner the better and May 1 is a good date to shoot for. I have friends who hate each other, both want a divorce and are still at it after 3 years.
My HP said just sit there and listen to what I don't want to hear - divorce. Don't be ashamed and embarassed that your marriage is over and that everyone will know. The kicker was that my AHsober who moved out and doesn't call, says he doesn't love me, won't introduce me to his new friends, goes clubbing, and generally has checked out of the relationship says AFTER I sign my name on a legal document that the relationship will stop being dysfunctional and that we will resume a neat relationship of sharing, being parents, and doing fun stuff together. I called him on the cuff and said I don't believe him for a minute. I sign my name and I will never see him again. His disease is doing all the talking.
So I am trying to work this out in my mind with my HP's help. It is coming a nano-second at a time. For my Plan A and my meeting with my AHsober, I need to plan my finances and what will change for me in my life. I don't want to work for the same company as my husband. I want to pay off some bills. I need the support of my friends and family. This little voice is talking to me and I feel that I am finally ready to hear it. I will do what I need to do when I need to do it. I am so afraid and I stay in pain but I know that there is a better life for me.
Thanks for your support. Does this make sense? Working on Plan B and Plan C. Never thought I would have the courage for a Plan A.
I put myself in your shoes just for a second and then sorry...jumped back into my slippers. I read what you wanted and then focused on what you need and pretty much figured that out also when I was where you are at now. It sounds like you are letting go. It sounds like you are ready to go on and build your mind, body, spirit and emotions again. Stick with plan A for now and firstly the relationship with your HP. As the reading at the end of our F2F meetings read, "...if you keep and open mind, you will find help." An open mind for me is asking for input from the members and my sponsor. It also means focused listening while in the face to face meetings. That is what saved my life. That is where I soaked up recovery like a sponge. That is where I started on the journey to discovering my Higher Power and that is what I continue to do. Because I was so focused on other peoples' needs before I got into the family groups I didn't have a clue as to what was good for me or what I wanted to do or was good at. That was scary ground. When I let go of the alcoholic and started to focus on my life lots of awarenesses came, such as an enabler has tons of skills that were used to support others and redirected toward my own wants and needs worked very well. Enablers have tons of confidence that I used to try to convince the alcoholic that "I could do what ever to fix or save her". I still have that confidence and it feels awesome when it is directed at my own choices.
Too many plans get confusing for me. It bothers me when I fail to fulfill them all. I think there is a slogan in the program that says "Keep it simple" and another that says "EASY does it." These and others keep me in balance and that feels healthy.
I thnk the trait of leaving is an A one. Whenever something comes up the A does his leaving trick. Right now it is to move to a non existent job to a house that hasn't been lived in for 20 years or so. I expect it. I nevertheless know it is hard not to take it personally. For me I believe the A punishes me regularly that his "needs" are not being met. I set distance but it nevertheless hurts because I have put so much energy into helping him and so little into helping me.
That has changed now. I am glad you can face what you need. I once worked at the same place as my exhusband (he still works there). When I started to divorce him that became too painful.
Hi Nancy, The fact that your ahsober is keeping you away from his life in recovery (new friends, club scene) seems odd. With my a b/f, he has always kept some of his friends separate from me. These are the friends that he gets into trouble with (drinking, arrests, and who know what else). Maybe your ahsober only know how to operate this way, maybe he is trying to punish you. For me that aspect of my relationship with my a b/f is probably the most painful. In the end I guess none of that really matters. One of my worries over the past five years, I am ashamed to say, is that if my a b/f did get sober, I don't think I would like him very much. I think I used his alcohol use and irresponsibility as an excuse for him, but that to his core he could quite possibly be just a self centered guy to the core.
Anyway, I know this is a painful time, but be strong. Reach out for the support you need and take care of you! Yours in Recovery, Leetle
I am so sorry this is painful for you. When I read about your plans I had to remember that we don't actually have a plan. Your HP has a plan for you and this is meant to happen for whatever reason. I know it all hurts your heart right now but what will you do if in two years you have someone that treats you like gold? Your ahsober may be doing you the biggest favor. Please try to think of something positive. Your on the right path by getting your affairs in order and paying bills, ect. Write down on a peice of paper what it is that you want and make that your goal. I bet you'll reach it. Let him be strange, let him have his friends, you don't need any part of that mess. You are so much better then that. Time to get strong girl! Lots of hugs. We are all here for you and always will be. You are not alone in all of this. It's only part of the BIG plan that your HP has in store for you. It really turns out to all be a blessing.
My sponsor always said "make your plans, just don't plan the outcome." She also believed in plan A, plan B, plan C, etc. I can see the wisdom in having several plans - if we begin with Plan A and the outcome isn't what we expected, without another plan for that contingency of Plan A failing, then we could just fall apart not knowing what to try next.
A very simple example of Plan A, Plan B thing I've heard in these rooms is this: Plan A - I will go with my A to this family event. The Plan B part is - I will take my own car so that if things get uncomfortable (out of control) I can simply remove myself and drive myself home. How much more relaxing that can be to know that you will not be stuck in an intolerable situation - it frees your mind so you are able to relax and enjoy yourself and know that IF things turn ugly, you can simply leave.
Being able to look at any situation realistically (versus the fantasy of how we wish it to be) helps us in making good plans/decisions for ourself. Seems like that is what you are doing. Finances, job matters, etc. are important and major considerations to look at. If one is not in a violent, life- threatening situation, it does make sense to take the time to look at how one will be able to support themself on their own.
Wishing the best for you (((((((((Nancy))))))))). You certainly deserve it.
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
