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some nights I just can not see how I can stay with him for the rest of my life!!!!!!! Living like this. OK, I will say I don't get this miserable very often at all any more but when I am in physcal pain and after working my patootie off pick-axing, shoveling, pick -axing some more for 5 hours in the freezing rain and rain, drenched right down to my innards, to stop the flooding into the horse barn, come home ready to jump into the hot shower to find we have no power and the house at 50, start the woodstove up and get it crankin.....I am pretty hurtin at this point (wicked arthritis in wrists and shoulder) just trying to get warm and he comes waltzing in with the whiskey attitude and condesendingly(sp) says "whats wrong with you?" Now, 2 hours earlier I spoke with him and told him what I was up against. He was sober at that point at work. He gets out early on Fridays. I remind him about the barn and it was like he just shut it all out. Not one fuggin word except, when I was slow moving , trying to get re-dressed to get back to the barn and quiet and he asks again what was wrong with me. YOU ASSHOLE, I JUST TOLD YOU. (i did not say this) now when I tell him things, I do not do it in a manner of snotty or feeling sorry for myself at all as usually when on occassion he may ask how my day was and I will tell him pretty difficult day or sad day or whatever it may be he, of coarse, turns it right around to him. "me too" and justs rambles on about him and his day and how bad it was As we all know this is a classic of the A right? So i do not bother anymore......so sad...he asks? I just say fine. So anyhoo, no offer to help, that is fine I would say no need anyway. Back to the barn to try and get more done with the ice and he calls about 3 freegin times.....when ya gonna be home? What do you want for dinner? I say: "you said you wanted sloppy joes and you will make them" he says "I know, is that what you want?" This, I know is his answer for when he forgets. He forgets so much now it is awful not to mention scary. It is so sad not to be able to depend at all on the person you love so much. I HATE IT!!!!!! Not even when he is sober do I ask or depend on him to do anything anymore as as soon as he hits the bottle he will forget all or just not do it. I just wish to hell he would hit rock bottom, some how, some way. Nothing, and I have tried all, has made him see the light.......sincerity, love, counciling, leaving (that backfired in my face big time then my business went under but it is also when , I moved back, that my wonderful HP came marching in to help me get through, he is still with me, as a matter of fact he is the one that said to go sit at the pc and write, just write.....type, whatever.....i am feeling better ) sometimes I just want to trigger it. Call the police and have him pulled over for something and they would find his whiskey bottles and open beer but he takes the backroads home and has NEVER been pulled over for anything. So back to tonight, I get home, he did get dinner (but forgot my stuff he said he would get.....yea, cigarettes...got his tho, and my soda.) I am quiet, I am really hurtin now. Pump some advil...."whats wrong with you? got a headache?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just simply say I am sore. Nothing. It is 7:30 and all I want to do is sit down so I ask him about dinner and if I can start it. He gets a bit testy and says there is plenty of time and he will cook it, wow, ok. awesome. thanks. We eat, I say it is great.....he has asked me 4 times how it is.....I am REALLY hurtin at this point. I can not turn my head at all, hips, legs...I feel like road kill. Just as I am trying to get comfortable he says....ya ready for this? and I apologize if this offends anyone......"WILL YOU GIVE ME A HUMMER?" Since I can not turn my head around to face him and as I shift my position in order to do so and this takes a minute, I say calmly, "no" and he says "why?" and I say, "because I don't want to" I was quite happy I was able to say it. and he then says "why?" I say "I am very sore" and felt like saying along with it " ....and you have not showered in days and I hate your guts tonight." but I refrained. he got pissed and stormed off to bed. I hate sex now. Have for quite a while. It is one area I do not budge on. I will not have sex just to make him happy. It grotesques me. How sad is that? We have talked about this many times. He knows how I feel and why and how I got like this. He accepted it when he was sober. He seems to understand all when he is sober....that he does have a problem with alcohol, that alcohol intensifies his anger at all the excuses he has to drink, that he hurts me so much, that I am doing the best I know how to do to try and live the way we have become,........ I am going to go quietly and take a hot bath. Thank you for listening God Bless you all
In Alanon we say that you are not alone. You have your HP and you have us. After I have my pity party for myself, I can say that I am not alone. My AHsober left two years ago. I too make the fire in the woodstove every morn and every night. I shovel the snow and feed the pets. My chores take an hour in the morn and an hour at night. I drive 30 miles sometimes in a snowstorm to my f2f meeting. I drive 2 1/2 hours for services - car, hair, dentist. My AHsober has the life of Reilly. He is oblivious to my struggles. I am learning to turn my resentment into a challenge and say I welcome this opportunity to grow. I so don't need to make one more fire but here I am. My AHsober has always forgotten everything from dates to times to obligations. He NEVER forgets a golf date or a movie time or an obligation to a friend. He helps everyone else before he will lift a finger for me.
I am learning to find help in other places. I have turned into a pretty good fire maker. I continue to be responsible and remember everything. My HP and yours tells us that our time will come. Hang in there!!!!
Good grief . . . maybe you feel like you "just" vented a bit, but everytime I read someone's experience and it is like mine down to the details, I feel so relieved I am not alone in this struggle. I think I'm just barely sticking my head out of the water in realizing how common our experiences with our spouses are.
Aloha Puzzle!! Great post and very usual/normal for the spouse of an alcoholic. Typical disease stuff except when it comes down to the part where you do what is necessary to take care of and stand up for yourself. NO is a great sentence and just because is enough justification to support it. I learned in recovery there is no good answer to the question why. If they don't accept what you offer?...you get another why!! If you have a AA big book laying around I suggest you try reading it because the discription of the alcoholic is in there and I found it very supportive of my expectations. My sponsor taught me to kill my expectations of the alcoholic especially when she was drinking because that way if she failed to fulfill my expectations I wouldn't be hurt. If she did or just came close I could be pleasantly surprised and finally having no expectations reduces the possibility of a resentment. As it has been said in the program, "An expectation is a future resentment."
Venting lets the stink out and the fresh air in. Have some ((((((hugs))))))
Puzzle, Great share. I totally identify with your feelings about the AH. Great job on sharing and getting out your frustration. Glad you are here. Goldie
I am so grateful to be a member of this group and have the opportunity to vent. I vented on Friday to my dear friend. He heard me for more than an hour. The A hears nothing ever, never did. I also have an aversion to being nice to the A after he has ignored me.
Sure is an interesting life we lead huh. Love someone and hate them at the same time. The saddest part for me was when it finally sank in that I truly cannot count on him to be there for us.....ever. I so hear you.
ask how my day was and I will tell him pretty difficult day or sad day or whatever it may be he, of coarse, turns it right around to him. "me too" and justs rambles on about him and his day and how bad it was As we all know this is a classic of the A right? So i do not bother anymore......so sad...he asks? I just say fine. 
