The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was angry with my friend: I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow. --William Blake
We have a right to claim our own feelings. Sometimes we get angry, but hold it inside because we think it's wrong to feel it. If anger builds inside us, it expands like a balloon ready to burst. If not released, it can make us depressed, or even physically ill. When we give ourselves permission to feel anger, we are better able to get rid of it in a healthy way. Our inner voice can tell us how to let go of our anger. And once we've released it, we can easily get in touch with the feelings that caused it.
When we recognize our anger for what it is--one feeling among many others that makes us unique--it loses its significance, and we can prevent it from consuming us. Indira Ghandi said, "You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." When we let go of our anger we can honestly embrace each other with open arms.
Am I carrying around anger which could be released today?
It's interesting how often, how long and under what circumstances I described myself as "angry." When the computer doesn't do what I want--even though I'm the one telling it what to do--I get "angry." When people here on the message board don't understand how I feel--even though I've been vague, not completely to the point, and really haven't just SAID IT--I get "angry." When I'm doing homework and I start to feel myself getting sleepy, I'm not sleepy, darn it, I'm "angry!" "Anger" became a good name for feelings in general. Since it was a general name for "drunk" it was the only feeling I could give definition to. It was as if all of the clothes in my closet were red--the only color I knew, really, was red. I didn't understand blues, or yellows, greens or oranges, or the colors in between that resulted from blending. It was the same way with feelings. Because I didn't ave any other experience except for "angry" I was always "angry." And there was a great amount of truth to describing me as "angry." I was an exceptionally "angry" person. Having witnessed, survived, and come through some rather disturbing things in my life, I had a great deal to be "angry" about. But that had crossed a line some where. At a point, my anger was frightening to people. I had stuffed it so far down that it had become explosive--people who had seen me lose my temper were frightened of me, and the high school football players made a clear path for me in the hall ways, citing they feared me more than our high school rivals. Moreover, when I was asked to really "name" all the things I was "angry" about, I could do that! Exceptionally well! But there was a problem, there, too: all I did was blame people. Blame, I've come to see, is based in scapegoating. It's in a need to find someone to purge my self negativity onto, without reguard to WHOM, WHY, or under WHAT CIRCUMSTANCE. I find a person--usually, in some way of lower abilities than me, or in some way more fragile--and I minimize them. I make them feel small. I make them feel as if they just aren't important enough. Furthermore, I RATIONALIZED my BLAMING: didn't I have the right, after all, given what I'd gone through? This was where I've come to see the danger of my ego. The ego that says that by posting this here I'm going to be judged, and no one will understand what it's like to be me. The ego that says no one will care what I have to say, and will more over tell me what a loser I am for even trying. The ego that says by even trying to reach out I'm already a screw--people have lives, ya know! Humility to me today is tied directly to my anger. Of course I have the right to get angry. But the interesting thing is, since I've really gotten into program, I can count on 1 hand the times when I've GENUINELY gotten angry. That "stomach" level angry. That "Oh it IS ON" level angry. The angry that gets into your bones, spreads to your muscles and leaves you feeling headachy, body achy and just all in all tired.
Oh! Something I wanted to update my very loving MIP AFG on I haven't heard from the grad school. I'm sure they have a life of their own. I do, too. So, whatever... My mom spontaneously decided to come down when she heard the comitee declined me. I told her "Actually, I'm booked the whole weekend. But you have a good time anyway." Thank you Bonnie, Belle, for teaching me that line! The advocate from the comitee for special circumstance? He says I have a good appeal case. He thinks if I submit some more LD tests I have a decent case and I'll be on my way. And, ahem, one more thing. I'm meeting with the office for international studies. I'm putting together the paper work to go to Ireland this summer. My parents have declaired they don't have the money--therefore **I** don't have the money. I'm gonna act as if anyway, fill out all the paper work anyway, and let it ride. (Prepare thyself, dublin...) And. I think that's it. I think. We'll see what happens.
Things I am grateful for - especially today . . . Tiger.
Me & Anger are pretty tight friends. Before recovery & even still now - I truly can relate to the "Oh it IS ON" - mine is along the lines of "I will CUT YOU" Like I belong in a Tupac or Ludacris Rap video or the "witch" in the Big Brother House - VOTE ME OUT!!!!! - Cuz I'm outta control.
Thank God, I have tools now to start working thru this "anger" to get to the bottom of it - usually it's not about anger at all - it's about fear or hurt - which in turns ticks me off because I've let someone hurt me again. Vicious cycle. Working thru anger is really hard for me. I think I still stuff a little more than I should.
I know that could understand those feelings about "not posting" because of one thing or another - I'd much rather respond to a post than start one. After all why do you want to hear about what is going on with me anyway? right? Geez we have such distorted thinking.
Best of Wishes, Lassie on the possible trip to Dublin. Be tellin' the Walker, O'Banion, McClarin clans their Louisiana family tis wishing them well. (So I'm half irish - can you tell by the names? Can I blame my anger issues on an Irish Temper????)
Enjoy your weekend Tiger,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
When we give ourselves permission to feel anger, we are better able to get rid of it in a healthy way. Our inner voice can tell us how to let go of our anger. And once we've released it, we can easily get in touch with the feelings that caused it.
Please, please, PLEASE share how you do this - anybody? My problem is, my inner voice DOESN'T tell me how, because it never learned. It's anxious to learn, but it has at long last figured out it can't do it on its own...
