The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all, I am new here, so let me introduce myself.
I am a 30-year old woman, married to an off and on alcoholic for nearly 4 years. I say off and on due to his episodes; it's never a continuous thing. He can go for an entire year without drinking and then just pick up a bottle and end his sobriety. We do not have any children, which has proved to be a really good thing, as I cannot imagine putting children in the middle of all that we have been through.
I've been accused of being the irrational one, the reckless one, the horrible one for wanting to leave him. I don't even think I can adequately describe the extent of his behavior in a single post. If it were just drinking, that would be enough for me to handle. But it's more - drugs, other women, sneaky behavior. He's been known to disappear and cut off all communication, not to mention that he hasn't held down a job for more than 3-6 months since I have known him. It's always been someon else's fault, and only recently have I begun to see how untrue this is.
The hardest part for me is that he's been seeing another woman for over a year. I found out a few months ago after having my suspicions. I can't shake the hurt of knowing that he's kept secrets from me, and for so long. It tears my heart apart. We are in marriage counseling right now, and I am trying to understand how his alcoholism contributed to his behavior. Right now it's just beyond me - I don't understand how alcohol alone can lead to betrayal of this extent. Our relationship is in near ruin, and we are on the brink of going our separate ways. I did try to leave once, and it was so difficult. No one in his family understood or was willing to acknowledge that he has a problem, turning me into the bad guy instead. I only returned because he checked into rehab, and I knew he would need support.
Right now though, my patience with him is wearing thin. He sporadically attends AA meetings while waiting for a spot to open up in rehab. He now yells at me for things he used to do on a routine basis - coming home late, forgetting to call. Sure, it was okay for him to do all those things and more when he was drinking, and I couldn't say a word about any of it for fear of what might happen. Now he's coming at me, and it really p*sses me off! I feel like he's on some holier-than-thou kick, and I want to knock him off his pedestal. Just because he committed to treatment, doesn't mean I am just going to magically forget everything he's put us through - and that's what he wants me to do, to forget.
I am attending my first Al-Anon meeting f2f on Wednesday. There is only one per week in my town, so I figure maybe I can go to open AA meetings too to get an idea of what is happening with my AH.
Thanks for listening, and I am sorry this was so long. AC
"Just because he committed to treatment, doesn't mean I am just going to magically forget everything he's put us through - and that's what he wants me to do..."
Good morning Prof, and welcome to MIP. I am sorry that you are going through the misery of dealing with an addict. Your quote, which I have posted above, really hit home for me. Like you, I have an alcoholic husband who is sober except when he decides, perhaps once a year or so, to go on what I refer to as a "gentleman's vacation." Three days of non-stop drinking. During these "trips" I have no idea where he is, or if he is alive. One thing I have finally learned; it's not my fault. I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure it. But, once he is home again and sober, all is forgotten. He doesn't seem to understand that the hurt, frustration, anger, resentment, and humiliation does not end for me just because he decided to come home and be a good boy...until the next time...which he swears will never come. As they say in Louisiana, "Yeah, you right!"
You will be well served by attending an AlAnon meeting. Attend several, so that you will gain the "feel" for what the program can offer. We cannot change them, but we can change ourselves, and AlAnon will offer you the tools you need to begin the process. Return here to MIP often. We are here to help too. This site has saved my sanity more than once.
Good luck, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
So much of what you wrote made me :snort: or sigh for you . . . yes, you've come to the right place for your situation.
There are armies of us, men and women with alcoholic loved ones, and we've all found some measure of peace by working with the Al Anon principles whether we are with the alcoholic or have left the situation, or are with a sober recovering alcoholic.
I too have an alcoholic/drug addict very early in a new phase of recovery, and he is so much like yours, the blaming, being angry with me because I won't just "move on" and let him come back home, let him sleep with me, you name it. It sounds like you are just coming out of the fog of confusion into "the light" so to speak, and you'll look back on this terrible period with gratitude someday because today you decided to take your life back for yourself.
I'm new to this board but it is full of very experienced Al Anonners, a great place to check in whenever you get a chance. Go to "real" meetings, and just soak it up. It's working on you even when you're confused and don't know what to do. You will :), I promise.
Take care, keep posting and asking questions, it helps all of us when you share your story!
Are you worth more than this? Yes! I hope that you will continue to come here and work on you. Focus on you. Live your life through you. Work the steps through you. Then, later when you have some more clarity, you can decide what you want to do about him. You are not responsible for someone else's behavior. Just you. I know what you are going through hurts terribly and I am sorry you are going through it. This program has helped relieve much of my pain, I never thought was possible to get rid of. I have learned how to stand up for myself and not accept unacceptable behavior. I have also learned not to make major decisions until my problem is in its true perspective....and I get that perpective from the steps in this program, the help of my sponsor, other people in the program, and my God. Good luck in your recovery. Ziggy
Welcome! I am sorry you are going through this, but I am so happy you found us! When you go to the meeting make sure to pick up the newcomer information, it is so helpful. Open AA meetings and the AA Big Book are great places to learn about the disease.
Alcoholism is not causing all of his character flaws and sobriety will not create the man or relationship you are dreaming of. Many of us here have longed for our A's to get sober under the false assumption that it was the root of all evil. We were thoroughly disappointed to find out that it merely magnifies existing faults most of the time. We have no control over that or them, only ourselves and how we react to them and treat ourselves.
Take all the time you need to learn about the program and begin taking care of yourself. Decisions will begin to come to you more easily as you attain a sense of peace and leave the chaos to him.
Just wanted to welcome you (((((((((professor)))))))))).
We also have a chat room with meetings which you can find on the MIP Main Page. So glad you have decided to reach out. It's amazing how many people understand and have lived your exact circumstances.
You are not alone, welcome. Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Just wanted to welcome you and say glad you are here. I haven't posted/replied in a while but had to when I saw your icon. When I look at it, I'm reminded that that was me once. Sitting there consumed with all that the A did, frustrated, ready to give up. The thing about this picture is that just like many of us, she's forgotten she has wings. Maybe she was just convinced that they no longer worked.....
Everything won't get better in a day, but it can get better. This program is about you, not your A. It can remind you that you still have wings... and they still work. Please keep coming back. Let us know how your face to face meeting goes.
Welcome to MIP! Your story is our story. There is never any reason to apologize for a long story. For those of us like me, we are keeping secrets and that is why our story is not long. I have ridden that roller coaster for over 30 years. You are taking care of yourself a lot earlier than me. Keep coming back. Remember the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.
Hello and welcome to Al-Anon , and your absolutley right the behavior is not just because of alcohol , there is a saying in AA that claims If you sober up a drunken horse thief - what u have is a sober horsethief. !!! Infidelity drinking or not is totally unexceptable it is degrading and dangerous to your physical well being. I hope that u will find some meetings in your area and begin to recover from this disease , u too have been affected by alcoholism. Can a horsethief really change ? Yes they can if they commit to sobriety and completely become willing to commit to a faith ful relationship. here is the toll free international number for info on our program 1-888-4alanon for your sake I hope u take the time to take care of you for a change . Your worth the effort and no one else can do this for you. good luck Louise
