The material presented
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Ok my storey so far , hubby in aa but not working any programme, thinks putting the drink down is suffice, now replacing drinking with working 24/7 and woe betide anyone that questions his motives, how dare we, so he's decided to work himself to a frazzle, so now we have a highly stressed human being in our midst who is forever angry, we are his whipping posts once more, yep alanon is my saving grace but at what point is enouigh really enough, he's behaving unresonably again in our opinion but unapproachable, what do I do, I am seriously questioning how healthy is it for my children to be around this person who is seemingly on a self destruct mission and wants to take us down too. How can I get any perspective on this situtation, this isn't living,BUT he tells me it is, it doesn't feel like it is though. He kept waking me all last night with an insurance problem over our daughters car, then he wrang her at uni and gave her both barrells, she phoned me crying and asking why is dad so mean still when he's not even drinking and I'm not at home, it's her birthday today and he spoilt every one. Katy
Katy, I can so relate to your post. My husband was not a drinker, but definitely a workaholic. When he was home he was depressing and miserable...very difficult to be around. It's strange because he was so miserable that I couldn't wait for him to go to work. He set such a negative tone in the house and it was hard to be happy around him and I don't think he wanted us to be. He was miserable and I guess he wanted everyone else to be. Years later, he says that is what he thought he was supposed to do for his family as he saw his father do it. What kind of a life is that though? I guess it is self-destructive, maybe running from his feelings, I don't know.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Sounds like he is sober and attending meetings but not yet actually recovery. We tend to replace one habit with another ... in this case his work. However, the internal problems we have tend to still exist.
I don't know when "enough is enough" ... guess it's different for each of us. I have been to the point of "enuf is enuf" soooo many times. I have learned that when I do reach that point ... is the only time my HP can do anything. I, as "myself" tend to try all my things before I reach that point. When I do reach that point is when I sit down and say "I can't do this anymore God! I quit." Then I have found out in my own life, that's what He wanted to hear ... then He could start doing His work. I learn this over and over again .... because I'm human ... and each and every time it seems I have to go through all my own resources first before I can "give up" again. Fortunately for me (and everyone else concerned), I am finally coming to that realization a little sooner than in the past ....but still always have to reach that point ...for me.
If you are not already, please attend a f2f meeting and get the newcomer information. Also read Melody Beatty's Codependant No More.
I know how hard it is to not let those around us affect our mood and our feelings, but you can detach from him and find happiness. You can't fix him and it sounds like he may be working through some things on his own. No, it isn't fair to treat you and your family the way he has been, but you can choose how you react to it. I used to adopt whatever mood my AH was in the second he walked in the door, his mood regulated the mood of the house. It was through this program that I learned that I can choose to be happy regardless of him. It took me months of practicing "fake it 'til you make it," but after a while I was no longer faking it, I had learned to choose my mood independent of him. If he is in a bad mood, I go in another room and do something else. If he is in a good mood, I spend time with him. I no longer allow his mood to dictate mine.
Enough is enough when you decide it is. You don't need permission from him, from his family or yours, from anyone but yourself.
You may find, that working the steps, going to meetings, talking things out with your sponsor - in other words, working this program - gives you enough hope and joy in your life that you can ignore the bad parts. On the other hand, you may find, instead, that it gives you the strength to cut lose from something that no longer gives you anything positive. Either response can be valid - it is your life, and you are the one who has to live it.
One thing I think is important to remember - it does not work to live in the future, in the hope that someday he will get better. Instead, assume that how he is now is as good as it gets, and make your decisions from there, You cannot base your life on the hope that someone else will do something that you need - especially someone so sick.
I live with a mean A. I had tears about it the other day. Then I get back up and start working on what I need to do. I do not know what it is that gives them permission to be so mean and nasty. I used to be mean and nasty back now I do not. I work pretty hard on not fighting with him and that helps.
I can imagine it is heart breaking to have your children deal with this. I can imagine that is also a draw to "fix" him.
In the last few months the A I live with has gone from catatonic depression, playing games all day for months, not washing, not doing anything to workaholism. He does the workaholism stuff for a while then collapses. He never has a penny to give to me. He always has his hand out regardless of whether he is working or not. He expects, expects expects and those expectations kill me.
I find it hard to walk around on eggshells. At the same time I know when I get into self pity, this is no way to live etc I am not necessarily taking action on my behalf. For me its all action because I have huge obstacles in my way at the moment.
I know al anon can help you. Keep coming here, sharing, sop up the program. Listen to what others do. How have they changed, what did they do, how did they do it?
