The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started thinking about this. I have waited eight years for my ah to change his way and to become sober...........and then once sober to not become a dry drunk.......well he's done both. So now he's sober (again) and I got to thinking, if this is for real......how will I ever know? Will I keep living day to day wondering if THIS is the day he'll drink? Now that I have the life that I dreamt of is it all it was cracked up to be? I guess time will tell on that. It's like I fought so hard and now that he's sober and he's sweet and caring and actually being responsible, I'm finding it hard to believe. If this is part of MY sickness, when does it ever end? It's like you almost have to walk away and get into a new relationship to believe someone because with an alcoholics past it's so dang hard to trust. I don't know about al-anon's 12 steps.......is there one about trusting? Can I get myself to not wait for "that day" when he drinks again? (I'm so sorry if this doesn't make sense)
This is a good place to apply "one day at a time". I know exactly how you are feeling. When my ah first started his recovery I lived in fear of the "what if's". I had to learn to take things day by day and sometimes hour by hour. This was my issue to deal with...not his. He was working his program and I needed to continue to work mine. And yes, only time made it better. He has been in recovery for nearly a year, there are times when I start to feel that bit of anxiety rearing up in me, but this is just a sign to me that I need to stop and take my time. That there is something I must not have completely worked out within myself. I also have to remember both of us have been through alot and both of us have changed. So far those changes seem to be for the better since both of us have learned (and still are learning) how to identify whose issue it really is, lol.
I guess all I can say is to try to live for today....for what it is. Stop with the "what if's", they are pointless and worrying about them will not stop them anyways. Live for today and be grateful for what your HP is giving you now. Continue to work your program, let him work his and maybe begin to work on your relationship together. My ah and I see a couples counselor (the counselor specializes in addictions) and it has helped tremendously.
I agree wholeheartedly with Andilynn. Be grateful for every day of sobriety and live only in that day. I trust my sober A today and will until there is reason not to. I think a mental awareness of when those old fears come up should be noted, not ignored. As you see that your suspicions or fears were unwarranted, make note of that too.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Ok I will do just like you said ;) Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. Andi, I'm glad your ah has been sober a year. That's awesome news. I don't really have a program :( I just have you people here. I go to church and listen to what you all tell me. With three little one's at home I can't get out to go to al anon. So I'm doing the best with what I have. Again, that you Soooooooooooo much (((((HUGS BACK AT YA))))))))
No point and sitting and waiting for something that may never happen. Trust is hard to give back, but not impossible. You just put your faith in your relationship that it will work out for the best, in your HP's time, not yours.
Josey
__________________
Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
This is why we say, over and over, to focus on YOU, not on him. The reality is, there are no guarantees in life - he may embrace sobriety, and get healthy, and get hit by a bus crossing the street. We only really have this moment, so if it is a good one, enjoy it, without worrying about what will come. Basing your happiness on what he may or may not do at some time in the future is indeed your own disease coming through, I think.
As for trust, time really does make a difference there. Honestly, if he has only been sober a short time, it would be a little crazy for you to trust him completely - it would be a sign that you are still living in denial and fantasy. A year from now, you will feel diffferently, and five years down the road, different yet. My husband will be sober four years this weekend. My feelings have changed so much in that time. I now feel, honestly, that if he were to go back out, it would not destroy me. I do trust him, but mostly I trust myself - to survive and to be happy, no matter what he does.
What stuck out to me from yor post was I have waited so long for his recovery !!! what about yours ?? I am assuming u are not attending al anon meetings f2f . please find a meeting and enjoy mental sobriety *yours*. God knows u waited long enough for it . I have found when I am waiting for someone else to make me happy I am in deep doodoo . No one can make me happy ,that is my job . I found a one liner that said * Happiness is an inside job. * Another one I never forgot was that* Happiness was not a destination it is a method of travel . * He is sober and that is a bonus for me but not the reason I am happy . I was told an A dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old idea !! I was the old idea- go figure , every one has to change not just the alcoholic. Al-Anon will help u with tht one as u begin to know yourself and figure out what isn't working for you. Trust will come , for now relax and Enjoy the good days . Louise
I'm with Abbyal - happiness is not a destination...neither is life! Don't let yourself wait around for something that may never happen. Live life to the fullest every day and deal with things as they come!
Wow do I know want your going through, my a was in rehab and has been home almost 3 weeks, yesterday I thought for sure he was drinking again I can’t seem to trust him at all. The day he got out of rehab he drank half a bottle of brandy and said that didn’t like it .so how can I trust him.I agree with everyone’s comments I just have to carry on for my self. I find it’s starting to pull me in again, worrying.I have to stop it before it pushes me over the edge again.
I can relate to the feelings of despair - wondering if the sobriety was "for real" & the "what if's" I tried for a really long time not to get caught up in the "what if's" & if you can do that it is a very healthy thing. I wasn't able to not. So together with my Sponsor we looked at the "what if's" (I highly recommend that you do not do this alone - please, please do this with a trusted recovery friend or sponsor)
We started looking at some of the worse case senerios. My worse case was the AH would relapse, walk away from AA, I'd be financially ruined (again), and he would be passed out on my floor from booze & pills every night again. Not a pretty place to be. But then she calmly reminded me - "Rita, you have been exactly in that place before & you made it through - You & Your God managed to work thru that horrible situation & you didn't even have a program of recovery for yourself then, did you? So how much better off will you be right now if your AH goes back out?"
I've already beat my worse case senerio. Now, I have Al-Anon, a sponsor, MIP, and tons of recovery friends if any of my worse fears come to life. But most of all, I have a deeper relationship with the God of my understanding.
I'm already better prepared for any "what if" - Today, I take comfort in that & do my part for the Plan B & trust in the God of my understanding.
Just what I use to try to work through the fears of "what if" - sometimes they still can overwhelm me - then I have to stop, breathe & remind myself - no matter what me & my God are going to be OK - even better than OK.
Rita
(Josey, TRUST - Try Relying Upon Steps & Traditions - I hadn't heard that saying before - I LOVE IT!!!!!! - thanks for sharing it with us.)
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
He's "sweet and caring and actually being responsible"? That's great!
How about something along these lines (idea, not direct advice!): "I'm so delighted and proud at all the hard work you've been doing on yourself. I really want to work on myself too. I feel like it will really help me to have some recovery for me. There's a meeting I'd like to go to on Thursday - could you please stay home that night with the kids so I can do that?"
Be prepared for him to say no, or ask if there's another night, or say nothing for a while - that's what mine did when he was first sober, and I'd think, well THAT was sure a waste of time and putting myself out there. Then 3 days or a week later he'd come back with a response to whatever I'd said or asked. Sometimes there were several rounds of this delayed-type conversation - sometimes with me asking, well, what does your sponsor think about this? (A question he never answered, but which did seem to result in his TALKING to his sponsor about it...)
What I did, and don't recommend, was that I recognized that he needed to be putting a huge amount of effort into his recovery (good) and so I wouldn't ask for help (bad). Then months, even a year later when I'd had enough, and wanted help, I didn't have a way of asking him. Figuring out how to ask each other for help is still a work in process for both of us.
I love online Alanon, but I haven't been tempted to give up my f2f meetings - I do both. Something I hadn't expected was what a big difference it made for me to hear my own voice. Other things I have heard about what makes f2f special are meeting people who could become actual friends you can get together with; seeing ppl nod when you share; eye contact; meeting potential sponsors; even coffee at some meetings! Also, some meetings offer babysitting - ask around, or call you state's information service. I really hope you'll find a way to make it work. Even if you decide to stay with online only for now, keep coming back - it really does work when you work it. Slowly! - but steadily. Good luck, & keep us posted.
Thank you for speaking my mind! This is exactly what I think and feel about this situation. Mine has been to treatment over and over and over and I always knew the moment he was late it was happening again. I don't think I waited for it but I beleived for a while that it would never happen again. Now I don't think it will ever stop.
((((((((Friend)))))))), Some really good responses here to your post. I think that fear is very natural. We have waited sooo long for them to get sober and when it happens, it can be more scary than when they were drinking. After all we know what they are like when they are in the throes of their addiction. But what now? Especially if we've only known them drunk. Keep working your program and by all mean cheerish every moment of their sobriety. There isn't a day goes by that I don't thank HP for my A's sobriety. It's been a long hard road for him, and I am beyond greatful that he is finding his way. Keep that ODAT slogan handy. Trust will come back the longer he is sober.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
): "I'm so delighted and proud at all the hard work you've been doing on yourself. I really want to work on myself too. I feel like it will really help me to have some recovery for me. There's a meeting I'd like to go to on Thursday - could you please stay home that night with the kids so I can do that?"
