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I'm hoping you will tell me what you think of this situation. I'm not sure what to do.
Three weeks ago I was visiting my sister and she sat me down saying she wanted to talk to me. I was uneasy. I hate being put under pressure. I knew what she was going to say.
Years ago my younger sister (who is a heavy drinker, and generally doesn't seem to care about other people) had a fling (or something) with my exfiance. (We were together for six years) She didn't ever let on to me, but I found out anyway. I chose not to tackle her. There would have been no point. But I was very let down and upset by this. I expected better from my own sister. I chose to blank her. I do not need to have a big conversation about whatever happened. It would not make me feel any better to have all the details. She has never tried to contact me to say sorry, or to make any contact at all. The whole thing is very upsetting and disappointing for me. I really don't think she's too bothered. She has always had lots of men and a hectic social life. I know she finds me boring.
Anyway back to my first sister....she wanted me to talk about this situation with her. Clearly they've been chatting behind my back....with my sister...and her husband...and whoever else I don't know about. She is an interferer in general and likes to 'sort people out'. Trouble is I don't like 'being sorted out'! When she started insisting that I talk about it, I told her I didn't want to. She kept going anyway. I just got up and walked out, saying that I had nothing to say....I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I still feel I handled it as best I could.
I left. I was shocked and very upset. She hasn't tried to call or make any contact since.
I hate this situation. I really don't feel I have anything to apologise for, but I would like to make the peace.
I don't want to be particularly close to either of my sisters. They are very different to me and we have very different values, but I can't handle this situation at all. Surely life is too short.
I am trying hard to help myself at the moment, to find my own way forward. I think I'm doing okay. I just feel I don't need all this.
What do you think of all that? I need to know. Am I blinkered? Thanks, AM
If there's one thing I've learned when making any type of amends it is to keep the word "you" out of the mission. "YOU" places blame, and kicks in the defense mode.
Example: I did walked out because YOU wouldn't stop talking.
You're more likely to be heard when you are placing no blame. "I" didn't want to discuss it" .."I" put this in the past" ..."I" didn't want to discuss and revisit the problem"...
If they say "But I just wanted to yadda yadda yadda" I say, I appreciate that, but again, I don't care to revisit it...and change the subject.. Done deal :)
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with Christy. I see families acting like this and I just can't believe people do this. If my siblings acted like this I would definitly live around them. Meaning, I would not involve myself where I know they are going to be at. I'm glad that you have morals and character. Your siblings have alot of growing up to do. I would agree there is no reason to discuss the subject, what's done is done. I think your the bigger person in the whole situation. ;) Good luck hun.
My experience is with a brother who is quite ill, paranoid, skitzo, bipolar and that's just the diagnosis' I know about.
I had to break contact with him to protect myself and my big family of blue ribbon codependents made me the skapegoat. I wasn't remembering he was sick, I was single handledly tearing the family apart, I should have tried harder and it goes on and on and still makes no sense. I personally don't feel I have amends to make to my brother because he threatened me and that took it out of my ballpark. I am cordial to him at family gatherings twice a year and I am ok with that. In the beginning if the "family" had minded their own business and stayed out of mine and my brother's chances are things would have not gone as far as they did. Unfortunately he and I were both hearing, she said this, he said that and the insanity just kept growing and growing.
I had to do what was best for me and leave the rest of them to heal themselves.
In situations like this, in my humble opinion, the only way peace can be made is if everyone agree's to put it in the past and leave it there. In my case the odds of that happening are slim and none. Sure I would love to have a big happy family where everyone gets along but we are all head strong, self centered, "do it my way" sort of people. I wanted something else for myself and found that in Al-Anon. Today I am happy with me, I know I can't change their image of my except by example. Just this past week one of my sister's started attending a 12 step program for herself. She saw the serenity that I have and she wants that for herself.
So I continue to march and take care of myself and my business and leave them to theirs.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I also am going thru a period of separation from my family by my own choice.I have always been the scapegoat in my family.Everyone else could do whatever they wanted,all the self centered A's could have their own agendas.But just let ME try to stand up for myself and I am the one ruining Christmas,the one who holds a grudge,the reason everyone doesn't get along.That is all total B.S. Sad thing is I used to believe that.I so wanted to please my family and be accepted.
I finally found the last straw.I can no longer take the abuse.Since working the Alanon program I have discovered that I DO matter,that I am NOT the reason everyone is miserable,and that all I have done is try to get along while trying to be true to myself.Unfortunately I have recently learned that doing both is impossible with my family.I have to choose between losing myself to get along or honoring my self and my feelings and losing their "love" .Along with that so-called love I also lose a ton of stress and misery,crisis after crisis,and constant drama.I don't need any of that especially that kind of 'love',
I want people in my life who honor and respect me and REALLY care about me.
I can't say I don't have an accasional pang of guilt.My mom is very elderly and my sisters are not good at seeing to her needs as theirs always come first.However my mom is also a 'blue ribbon codependent' as Mobirdie put it, and a martyr.She always sides with her alkies against me and still expects me to come back for more.After all,that was my role.
I know I am being trashed behind my back.They are saying I am cold and unforgiving..."and she calls herself a Christian!"....I am making life more difficult for everyone because I am not there to pick up all the pieces,put my life on hold to take care of them.You know, forgiving does not mean I have to have them in my life.You can forgive the rapist but it doesn't mean you keep him around to rape you over and over.
I had to do this for my sanity.I had to come to my own rescue.My best friend and even my AH has always wondered why I kept going back for more and more torture.I always thought it was 'the right thing' to do.I was being 'good',taking care of my family.But what was I doing to myself?I was a shell of a person crying all the time asking myself why people would be so mean to me.
Take care of YOU annmarie.It is not selfish.You have a right to your privacy and you do not have to explain your actions to anyone.They say 'no' is a complete sentence.That is something I had to learn.You were betrayed by your sister (in my opinion) and how you deal with that is your business.In dysfunctional families sometimes it's hard to tell where one person ends and another begins.In my family,they think if it's your business it's family business.I disagree with that.I am a separate person.I do not have to explain myself or justify myself to anyone.
Thank you to everyone who replied. As you can see this is a difficult subject for me and one I don't want to keep revisiting. I have forgiven my sister for her betrayal. I have forgiven for myself and my own healing. I understand she has her problems and doesn't help herself. I pray for her too. But, she has never tried to say sorry oreven contact me since I found out, so I have chosen just let go. That's all. I don't need her BS in my life. I have enough of my own! lol
I cannot carry on in the facade that we are The Waltons. We are a dysfunctional family, and I can admit that.
I very much appreciate your helping me with this. This was my last taboo...the one thing I didn't want to have to revisit, but now that I have gotton your opinions I feel relieved. I was haunted by pangs of guilt, for not pretending all was acceptable, and not being involved in the so called happy family unit. (My low self esteem makes me want to put up with so much BS!)I know I am progressing and doing my best. I cannot do that while existing in a lie situation.
Thanks for your support. You have helped me probably more than you know.
I have 1 sibling - a brother who has been in recovery a short time. I have recently learned to "let go", and am still working on it. For me, letting go means no longer having any expectations, and no longer reaching out. I have always been the one to initiate contact. And while he has told my mother numerous times that he knows he hasn't been a good brother, and that he wants to be closer, he doesn't act on this. I have finally accepted (well, still working on it) that I can't make him be any different, but I can stop setting myself up to be let down. I can't say I don't still feel pain at times, but overall I must say that with acceptance has come peace. Not as much peace as I would like, but I think with time I will feel more. One thing I try to do... when I feel angry, I remind myself to be angry at the disease of addiction, not him. I hope this helps you in some way.
