The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working steps and living the principles of the program for many yrs to the best of my ability. I chose to stay with my active husband and had carved out a life for myself where I could be happy no matter what he was doing. I finished a degree, raised two kids, got several promotions, was involved in some activities through work, church and had a gym membership. The little bit of time that my husband I were spending together was enjoyable. He pays h is bills, goes to work and functions so long as he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do---then he rages. He rarely drinks anymore because of the severe physical emotional stress it puts on his body. But he does repeat the experiment. Here's the rye---I got sick, very sick and lost my job. My condition is permanent and progressive. I am a conservative type-A planner, so I had money put away and a retirement and 401 to draw from. For the moment, I have money coming in. Not my big ol paycheck (lol) but money coming in. Right now the docs are saying I am done. I have applied for and been approved for SSD (was shocked I was approved because i still believe I can beat this---and I was rigorously honest on the form erring on the side of over honest to prove I am near healthy) so I know I need to do more work on acceptance of my illness and my outlook. What I don't know what to do about is HIM again. The powerlessness and the aggravation of dealing with him is hell. I don't get the care or attention you would give a family dog (no hello, goodbye, discussion). He feels his life shouldn't change. He announced that he is not the one losing his mobility so he plans to continue snowmobiling. He spends money all over. So with my sponsor, I made a list of the things I thought I could live without and gave them to him. Its the first time he has had to be responsible for bills or any of his actions. He wanted to run the money anyhow because he felt it was only fair if he was the only wage earner.....I was exhausted and the stress of it was just killing me....so of course he took on the stable bills (like mortgage and heat which are the same every month) and left me with all my own medicl bills, my phone, my car.....it was clearly a separation agreement so he could continue to play. Its been 4 yrs since this started.....he is angry at God, emotional and throws temper tantrums.... on Mon we got notice that the mortgage is 3 mos behind, I got phone calls from 3 other creditors and today I woke up to no heat. I dont have a means to have my own life and pay my own way....I feel trapped and powerless again....and the focus has quickly gone to old behaviors and blame...I have been focusing on my spiritual conditioning during long hours of PT and doc office waits ---meditation, prayer and seeking God's will----I am tired of people telling me I know what to do ---I am too exhausted and afraid right now to know....I can't shake him and make him wake up. He still thinks its playtime. I am crushed. I dont know what God wants me to do...my Christian friends say keep praying for your husband. The bible says stay long suffering because he is a non-practicing Catholic (nonbeliever). I no longer have the resources physical, financial or emotional to just move. Pray for me.
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to the world you may be only one person....but to one person you may be the world.....
Just from what you have typed I found you condraticting yourself. On one hand your wanting to beat your sickness and accept that you can beat it, however your just to exhausted to move. Here's what I think..........(again it's just my opinion) Your AH is NOT paying your bills or his right? So unless you want to stay in a place that's about to get foreclosed on you better make a plan. I can say this to you because I have been there toooooooo many times. It doesn't mean you have to go through with your plan but you need to make one to fall on. The first thing is to find a place you can go and afford all by yourself. Yes there ARE places you alone can afford while on disability. You may have to get a divorce. If you want to stay married then you have NO choice but to accept the way you are getting treated. Housing places will not help you if your married. The one thing with an alcoholic is if you draw a line you can NOT let them cross it. Draw that line in concrete and follow through with what you say. It sounds like his priorities are not straight. Usually with alcholics priorities are not focused on enough. So in all honesty, you have two choices.......Live with it or get out and take care of yourself. Find the strength and a few friends to help you get away. You CAN pay your own bills. Check into assistance before you knock it. It seems hard when your in the middle of it, God I know that feeling all too well it's horrible. But you can do it. You HAVE to find the strength. I agree with praying for him however......you need physical help right now too. Feel free to pm me. I would be more then happy to help find things in your area. There is always a way. If I can do it by myself with three little one's you can do it by yourself. God Bless.
My heart really goes out to you! What you're going through sounds heartbreaking, difficult, and very stressful.
In my own life, I have come to rely on the traditions (as much as the steps) to help me navigate difficult terrain. Frequently, I turn to tradition 1 "our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity". For me, this tradition, when applied to my relationships, helps me see when I am in unity with someone, when I am not, and what I need to do to create boundaries for myself. If I were in your situation, and applying this tradition, what I would see is this: "I am very ill, and my husband is seriously jeopardizing both my present welfare (mortage, heat), and long-term welfare (for example, if you decide to tap into your retirement funds to get out of this mess). I and my husband are not in basic unity in this marriage. Given the way he is, this is very unlikely to change. Therefore, I must do everything in my power to protect myself. I cannot and will not go down with a sinking ship."
I encourage you to start doing the footwork to protect your welfare first and foremost. If it were me, I would consult with whoever I could (lawyer, SSD, welfare, clergy, etc.) to protect the remainder of my assets, figure out the legal options in the situation, and create a solid plan B. It is very likely that this Plan B will include very hard, difficult, heartbreaking choices. It may mean seeking further support from social services, for example. Regardless, I urge you to lean on your sponsor, your home group, and your friends as you make whatever decisions that you need to to protect yourself. As I see it, I think you are in dire and very serious crisis at this point, and I urge you to get the information you need to make the best decisions you can at this point.
Hate that you are dealing with physical illness & the stress of the financial issues also - it can all seem so overwhelming.
Take a few moments to breathe - those deep, slow breaths. Remember your AH is not in charge of your life - The God of your understanding is in charge. Your security does not rest in your AH. It rest in a Power greater than he, than any circumstance.
My AH & I still constantly have disagreements over our financially situation. He still struggles with this area. I still struggle with maintaining firm on my boundaries. We tried the he pay certain bills and I pay certain bills - like you, I would come home to disconnected utilities - for non-payment. I recently had to set a boundary that we had to go back to him giving me a certain amount of money every payperiod so that I could pay the bills. If not the bills would not get paid. This is not the best situation - not the way I really want it - but it is the only way that will work right now.
I understand with your health condition you actually writing out the bills may not be what you want, but you might have to do that again until maturity & growth happen on his part. If your AH doesn't want to financially contribute his portion of the bills, then you might have to look at other solutions to your living situation. I feel everyone should have to pay a fair share to support the household. It is usually very difficult to discuss money issues with our A's, but sometimes if we have the numbers, the household budget written down in black & white, it helps them to understand the responsbilities. Hope that your AH will see the need for him to contribute to the support of the household. Even if it is him giving the money to you.
Continue to seek guidance from your HP for what is right for you and your life.
Hoping your day is filled with peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I truly pray you will see how to take control of your well being! Lots of good advice from the other folks, but you can never have too many of us thinking about you or praying for you, so that's what I'll do.
Your attitude toward your illness is truly inspiring. Bless you!
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I agree with what most everyone has posted so far. Protect yourself, your health, your mind, and your assets. Without the peace and serenity of those things, you are at the mercy of your AH and anyone else entering into your life. SSA might be a good resource for you in setting up options for you such as a payee, or research power of attorney. I agree you are in crisis and you have a choices, clearly you are overwhelmed but meditate on options and maybe some will present themselves. I empathize with the hard choices before you. I also have division in my home when it comes to finances and it is not easy to get through. While I hate that I have to have a Plan B its a reality living with an active addict. So, I have to set the wheels in motion and do some foot work so I don't get caught "holding the bag". You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You have my thoughts and prayers that HP will show you the way and help give you the strength to deal with your situation.
As far as the bills are concerned, I know in my state if you use natural gas and have a medical condition all you need is a paper from the doc stating that you need your heat and then they cannot turn it off and if they already have they have to turn it back on and let you pay what you can afford....as long as you are paying something. It's something to look into.
Try to keep your positive thinking about your illness.....I believe that healing the body is 99% in the mind.
Your story sounds similar to my story. I actually thrived in my alcoholic marriage. I grew personally, I got my degree and then another one, I advanced at work, raised my kids, played competitive sports, and overcame those alcoholic explosions every year (he is a dry drunk) and started my recovery program in Alanon. My AHsober on the other hand became more and more unhappy with his marriage and wife, his job, his age, and everthing else. I didn't pay too much attention to the money because he is an accountant. He is not as smart as I made him out to be. So he is now making poor financial decisions and the money is slipping away. I am developing a Plan A, B, and C.
Although, I have my health, I sympathize with your situation after you having been so strong. Don't give up! As for the AH's and getting any sympathy and support, forget it. They told me here it is like going to the hardware store for a gallon of milk. They don't have it and if they aren't in a program they probably never will.
Sounds like you're already living on your own. If you file for divorce at least you get 1/2 the money and if there isn't any (which was my case) then you'll qualify for benefits without his income. Possibly more income thru ssi and medicaid to get rid of those medical bills. Nobody can tell you the right thing for you, I hate it that you have to deal with that crap!
