The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years I have strived to be independant, to certainly never to be dependant on a man. I learned this in my early childhood, having come from an Afamily, my father being the A. This was/ is my coping mechanism. I now see that I have deprived myself of so much through living this way. I am begining to realise too that I cannot accept criticism. I seem to take it too personally. There have been incidents where I have cut people off completely when they were critical of me. I would tell myself that they were in the wrong...that I didn't ask for criticism and they had no right. That I would have expected better from someone I considered to be a friend. Also in my ex-relationship with my A, I would take criticsm (of which there was a great deal!) very personally. I was always hurt by this, possibly excessively so. I didn't know how to handle it in the wright way.
I notice too that even in a group situation ( an evening class) where everyone is obliged to give their point of view, I am reluctant to speak up. Somehow in a way I am worried I will be shot down or ridiculed.
I think this is a protection thing, given my background. I've beeen thinking about it lately a lot.
How can I learn to be more open, to take criticism less personally, to let the barriers down and be less self protective. I know I am sheilding myself from so much of the good in life. I am locking myself away and losing out. Having lived this way all my life, and only now coming to these realisations, I am struggling really hard. I see now that in being wary of other people and how they will treat me, I am in fact prejudging them and expecting the worst. Somehow I have to trust people before I can open up at all...even a little. But for me to trust them they must live up to my expectations first! What an impossible web I have weaved for myself.
My exA used to tell me that I was too closed, too hard to get close to. I used to think it was him that was wrong...that his drinking was causing me to be like this. I now see I was wrong. This situation was my life long befor I ever met him.
How do I change the bad habits of a lifetime. I seemed to have all the answers for him, not so good whwn it comes to myself though!
Can anyone understand? Can anyone make this clearer for me? I don't want to waste any more of my life. I've lost so much already.
Work your steps with an alanon sponsor. If you dont do a format that includes a place for criticism on the 4th step...write on it anyhow.... when you get it all inventoried out you will see it as both an asset and a liability. That is, you protect yourself by not participating but in excess you deprive yourself of personal growth and relationships. Get busy with the rest of your steps and as you find out more about yourself, clear away the wreckage of your past and start having successes...you will have the confident and skills to identify what truth is in the worst of criticisms. I apply program principles.....I take a breath, pray and try to get it on paper before I react.....in the beginning all I could do was know God was in the pauses because the reaction was so automatic...but by working on it a little at a time it changed before I knew it. I learned 3 things... 1. I put myself in situations where I could ask peoples opinions about things I didn't care about just for practice (found I was defensive even then which was an eye opener)...assignment from sponsor. 2. The third=eye principle which is that if a person was saying my 3rd eye was an ugly blue I would let it roll off me because I know its just not true I dont have a 3rd eye... but I assume everyone else is an expert even when they make up crap....its usually not about me.....if I am not sure, I can call a friend in alanon and say someone said I am a ***** is that true? lol and i get the hear the truth (good and bad) and finally, my favorite! #3 TEFLON MAN!! part of being an adult is to let things roll off me, especially those people who have no other authority over me except the space I give them to rent in my head.... teflon man helps me to roll it off..... I visualize it before it happens...and sure enough its just like I thought (proof I dont even need to be in the room cause some people just like to complain) but I dont have to let it stick cause I have (drum roll) teflon man!!! u se your sense of humor.... Oh...I had one sponsee whose sponsor made her go out in public and make a food of herself....so she walked down a busy city street talking out loud, swinging her arms and making silly faces to see no one was really taking notes....she got looks but it really is not about her...I wouldn't h ave had guts enough to do it...but I guess her sponsor knew what she needed
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to the world you may be only one person....but to one person you may be the world.....
Joel Osteen's sermon on Sunday was about coping with critisizm. He said that most people who critisize are more worried about themselves and their own faults than helping others. I always find his sermon very inspirational and 12-step oriented. I am not trying to push him on you at all, it's just a coincidence that you bring up what he talked about Sunday. If you are interested, you can hear or read his sermon on his website, just Google Joel Osteen.
I could have written your post!!! It is a never ending battle with ego for me. I used to sit in AA meetings and was scared to death to be judged so I never said a thing. I still struggle with judging others and REALLY judging myself, analyzing everything. Sometimes I get so sick of worrying about how I am portrayed, how NOT to say the wrong thing. It is a mess!
There are a couple of things I can suggest that I do. First, I don't know if you have worked the steps but they DO help relieve your guilt and teach you the way to spirituality. I am going through the steps now with my cousin in Alanon, but have gone through the steps in AA also.
I pray for God (or your HP) to remove my judgment and criticism. I do this daily. I heard one time in a meeting that you should try not to even THINK critically of other people. The minute a critical thought comes into my head, I try to push it away and think something positive about the person. Same goes with critical thinking of yourself. You have beat yourself up for too long, give yourself a break. You are human, you feel feelings, guilt included, and ask God to help you feel these feelings, and then ask him to help you work through them and let them go.
As far as speaking and being afraid to open up to people, it took me a long long time. My first sponsor told me that EVERYONE has some kind of experience to say to help someone else. I no longer care if I sound stupid or will be judged. I most likely will be judged by someone. But if my experiences (with drinking and drugging AND with living with alcoholics) can help someone else in so much pain, it is worth me risking the judgment of others. You know what? Most times I find out that people come up and tell me thank you for what I said instead of criticizing me. I pray for God to help me to be of service, to help let go of my ego.
You are what you are, and it takes a while to begin to see that you can definitely make a mistake, you are human. You just be yourself, and so what if someone judges??? You sound to me like you are trying your hardest to be a great human being, and the learning and growth is what it is all about, it never ends.
AnnMarie, I know how scary it is, but believe me, with prayer and beginning to believe in yourself, you can feel so much better and not be worried about these things. I have been there, really.
Personally, I think a bad reaction to criticism has it's roots in lowered self esteem. Clearly the words someone says wouldn't matter much if you were absolutely sure it was BS. Many times I have said something that was just merely a fact here on the board and someone will feel it is directed at them and start to argue or defend themselves. When in reality, it was just a statement.
I think many of us internalize and convert what people say in to what is percieved as criticism, due to the nature of our disease.
I first ask myself if the person has a valid statement. Is it something I need to consider, look at and/or change? If I feel it isn't then JADE applies. JADE= Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. When that happens, I may explain my meaning a bit more (once) but after that forget it. It deserves no more time and energy.
On the other hand..Sometimes we hesitate to speak up, fearing consequences ...but we overlook the consequences of staying quiet. In some case we disrespect ourselves by not speaking up. Do we think it's unimportant? Afraid of being judged? (with exception to speaking up to a drunk person)
Just some thoughts to consider as I ramble..lol
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think your post hits to the root of the true value of our recovery.... As we get better, we learn to focus less on others (especially our A's, but also other people in general), and more towards ourselves. At first blush, this seems to be somewhat "selfish" of us, but in time, we learn, that it is truly "self-care".
As you grow to like, and then love yourself more..... You will be less concerned over what other people do or think. It's quite amazing, but the solution really DOES start with you!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I sure relate to your dilemma too. I grew up with an A/D father, who shamed and critisized daily, then I of course married someone who does the same thing.
As I grew up and realized my father was inappropriate, I became hypervigilant about any criticism, either becoming very defensive (and totally obnoxious) or sinking into shame and self hatred. I had no idea there was a workable middle ground . . . b/c I had no idea of my own sense of self and accountability.
Today, I'm getting better at allowing my A to say what he says, while I think what I think. Mostly, what he critisizes is irrelevant or all about him. For example, I recently brought home a Great Pyrenees puppy to train to guard the livestock. I named her Brina, which is on old Celtic name for "protectress".
My A, who has not lived here on the farm for well over a month, took one look at her and out fell a bunch of "garbage" . . . "I don't want a dog that does X, I don't like that, I don't like her name, why does she do that? She's a wimp!"
This was within the first five minutes of seeing her. This is his typical reaction to stuff I do on my own without his involvement. It terrifies him when I take action on my own. My conclusion is that he is not truly critisizing me, or the puppy! He is spewing pure fearfulness, as was my A father. My adult reaction to this verbal diarrhea is not to feel put down. My reaction is more like a raised eyebrow. He's still so self preoccupied he couldn't tell me the weather if it was pouring down rain.
What I FEEL after an interaction like this with my A is GRIEF. The loss of him as a true, equal partner, and lover who I can count on. He's nowhere near his right mind. I am alone in this relationship. I think it was easier just to scream back at him than feel this sadness . . . but, the sadness is truth. And with sadness, I don't feel powerless and helpless.
Thanks for your post, it gave me an opportunity to put something into words I hadn't done yet.
There was a time when I took criticism hard and sometimes even took personally things that were never intended to be. And I always kept my mouth shut, even when I should have stood up for myself. I had my own issues that caused this. I needed to learn that everyone is entitled to their own opinions....me included, and that they were just that....opinions, not statements of fact. Now if someone has an opinion I figure it is their business, not mine. As far as me opening up to share my thoughts, I am better at that now than I was before. If someone is offended by what I say I apologize and let it be.
I agree with Tom
"As you grow to like, and then love yourself more..... You will be less concerned over what other people do or think. It's quite amazing, but the solution really DOES start with you!"
The better I feel about myself the less it bothers me what someone else might think of me.
