The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm 46 my AH is 51. We've been married 25years.Looking back on it now I realize he was an A when we met. He was one of those "friendly" drunks, you know, never got angry or abusive when he was drinking. 10 years ago he became dissabled due to an accident at work,--- so enter the drugs. Pain killers and A, a bad combo.He's gone through every kind of painkiller known to man, and he loves to mix them with beer, lots of beer. If the first 15 years were rough the last 10 have been hell. December 28,2006 he was arrested for public drunk and disorderly conduct( he showed up drunk at a gas station by our neighborhood and two policemen arrested him).I had been seeing a therapist and reading books about codependency so I said here's my chance to try this out. I laid down the law---go to AA and never bring alcohol into this house again or your out of here. Well ,he started AA, seemed to go pretty well for about 3 or 4 weeks, I was in love with him again...couldn't do enough for him! Two weeks ago I had to go out of town for 2 days, when I got home I found out he got drunk while I was gone. One look at the stereo when I walked in and I knew he had been drinking. He got back into AA but, things are different ,he's moody all the time. He says he doesn't like going to the meetings. He says things like "AA's in my head now" whatever that means, he's always trying to pick arguments with me about things we would never have given a second thought about before, he's mood swinging. I'm so sick of the whole ride I could scream. Our daughter is 21 and she has been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I feel as though I'm being stretched in 10 different directions! I'm sorry this went on so long...and I didn't even mention my mother!!
Welcome to MIP. I'm so glad you found your way here. There are many people here who care and understand, and will help you.
I can identify with so much you have said...even the mother bit!!
One huge thing I learned is not to waste my energy on trying to work out the whys of what he did. It was too draining for me. When I started to accept that he was gripped by a powerful disease, a disease that controlled so much about him...my life became a bit easier. I accepted that I am only human and do not have all the answers. I learned not to expect the truth or rational behaviour from him. Yes, this was very hard and it took me a long time to accept.....I had to go through it over and over again...
In the end I left him. that's what i had to do for me.
As I shared here my own self esteem started to grow and I found myself better able to cope.
I think the Awill find his path to recovery if it is what he is going to do...with or without us. Don't exhaust yourself with trying to 'make him do it'. Instead do what's kind for you today.
I look forward to hearing more about you Yours in recovery AM
Welcome. You are not alone in your frustrations. We all have similar experiences, thoughts, feelings, anxiety and struggles with the A's in our lives.
I'm relatively new to Al-anon, both here online and face 2 face meetings. I had a tendency to be skeptical at first. As I learn and grow and invest in ME and 'detach' from my Ah, I find a sense of peacefulness brewing within! It's a gift.
Stick around. There's many wonderful people here who have great experience, strength and hope to share. I find f2f meetings are a great part of our recovery process also.
Anne, putting your story up here and admitting your powerlessness is such a big step you won't believe it. You have put into motion something called YOUR HEALTH, and where you go from here, no matter how painful the circumstances and happenings in your life, will be forward into a better life for you.
I'm not particularly new to 12 step programs but I'm new to this board, and my A husband is still in his first 30 days of sobriety. My A too is a complete mess, he's fried his brain and today is going to see a doctor about medication for his paranoia. He's disorganized, moods are all over the place, every other day he wants to leave town and go live in the mountains because he's being watched and followed. He's very sick, and watching this man I love suffer would be unbearable if I didn't have detatchment and boundaries. They keep him "out" of my space, and I do have peace. Not 24/7 peace . . . but enough that I am enjoying being alive every day.
They get us believing they are so pathetic and sick, and if they don't get what they want they'll die or the world will end or something equally catastrophic. It won't!!!
Their live and troubles ARE NOT YOURS. Al Anon is all about the revelation that we can have peace and fun even though our loved one is destroying him/herself. It sounds hard to believe, it sounds like maybe we don't care . . . we care very much, we grieve for our loved ones, but we aren't consumed by their dramas.
What I'm discovering (again) is that my husband may be in the depths of hell, but I don't have to go there with him. For me that meant kicking him out of the house after his last binge and refusing, no matter his pleas and threats, to allow him back. I realized I don't even have to tell him when he can come back, or explain "what he did" to me to cause me to make this boundary. He'd have to be crazier than he is to not know anyway.
Our "situation" is always on my mind, but in a different way. It's there, but his recovery and the recovery of our life together is really out of my hands at this point. I have stuff to do!
All these people pulling at our lives will actually LIVE without our constant worry and over involvement. What a blessed relief that is. You'll find it for yourself. It won't happen in one day, but a little bit of it will happen every day.
Welcome to this wonderful place. You will find so much support here, and it is so nice to have an anonymous place to vent your frustrations, and you sound like you have them.
I understand where you are, and also have a mother issue!!! You are doing the right thing to post your frustrations.
A year ago, my husband of 18 years relapsed after a year of sobriety. It was the most horrifying thing I have ever been through. I moved out for a couple of months, and he got worse. I was miserable, but found this website and began to go to face to face Alanon meetings. I came back home after he had about 30 days sobriety, he begged me to come back, I don't remember how long it took before he was drinking again. The whole rest of last year was a continuing nightmare. I still went to meetings, and came here.
I bought the book, Getting them Sober, and learned SO much. I learned SO much here. I remember someone saying not to make a decision right away, and that is so important.
I know the feeling of living in a nightmare, but if you stick close to this board and to Alanon, I promise things will get better, whether your spouse continues to drink or not. It is about learning to take care of yourself here, and we just aren't used to that.
Please come back, and listen to people here. There is a big support system here and you will seem to always hear what you need to.
Take it slow, and my prayers and hopes are with you!
Welcome to our MIP family - hate that you have been affected by this awful disease of alcoholism - but glad that you have reached out for help.
Hope that you will continue to post here, attend Al-Anon meetings (f2f or on-line), read recovery literature and most of all learn to take care of you - that is usually the hardest thing we have to do - take care of ourselves - but it is the best thing we can do for everyone.
Don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve it.
One Day at a Time, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Anne123 wrote:....He got back into AA but, things are different ,he's moody all the time. He says he doesn't like going to the meetings. He says things like "AA's in my head now" whatever that means, he's always trying to pick arguments with me about things we would never have given a second thought about before, he's mood swinging. I'm so sick of the whole ride I could scream. Our daughter is 21 and she has been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I feel as though I'm being stretched in 10 different directions! I'm sorry this went on so long...and I didn't even mention my mother!!
Hi Anne, nice to meet you. I smiled reading "AA's in my head now". I'll tell ya what it means... he has Awareness now and it sounds like he's really uncomfortable with that, which is GOOD!! My hubby would say "AA can ruin a good drunk" which is about the same as what yours said. They have seen they have a problem and now it's up to them to either do something about it or not. And boy, anyone can get moody when they see they have a need to change. Change is hard, for them and for us.
So enough about them... what about us? What can we do? Focus on our own meetings and programs. Detachment with Love is a wonderful tool during this time. Leave them to their moodiness and focus on ourself. There are a lot of one-liners I've heard in meetings to use when they want to start arguments, etc. "Sorry you feel that way", "You might be right", and so on. Then we detach and go about our own day and business. And yes, it can be just as hard for us to learn new behaviors, to change our reactions into healthy actions. But one day at a time, it can be done. Just keep coming back. This program is great!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
