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I just want to say that I have no idea why I'm posting this right now, it will only tarnish my reputation, but here goes.
None of you really know my story, but I can give you bits and pieces of it as I see it. I am an alcoholic and yes I have 8 years sober. That being said my husband will drink every so often and I'm completely ok with that. My point is that the alcoholic wasn't drinking, yet our relationship was falling apart. This is what has transpired....
My husband's (old) role- Can you please call so and so and tell them we need them to come out and fix the whatever, I'm going to be on a trip so I won't be able to do it.
My (old) role- immediately I feel like I'm being controlled, like I either have to do it or he will be dissapointed, saying no is not an option. So my answer....sure I can do that, no problem. We end the discussion and I don't remember what he asked me to do, I brush it off because it's not that big of a deal...right? He gets home from his trip and asks me
"Did you call so and so?"
Me- "What?" um do I say no I didn't because I forgot (I know I will be in trouble) or do I lie and say, yeah I called them but there was no answer, I couldn't ever get a hold of anyone. If I lie that will make me look better, but then I'm still lying and then if I get caught then the trust is gone, but if I say I forgot then he will be dissapointed and say that he can't trust me to do anything. So let's say I decide to be truthful and say "no I forgot"
Him "I knew you would forget, I can't trust you to do anything, if I want something done I have to do it myself. How could you forget, don't you remember me specifically telling you that I needed this done? And I'm tired of cleaning up after you, you need to be a team player, blah blah blah.
Me "I don't remember you telling me that it had to be done by the time you got home, I thought I still had a few days left to do it"
Him- he's beside himself and checks out...mentally.
OK so this is the day in and day out behavior from the last 7 years that we've been married.
My husband and I were laughing about it the other day...we described it as
We got married and have to carry a table above our heads to a certain destination. His side he's holding up just fine, then he looks over at my side and notices that my side is dragging on the ground and that I'm off on the side lines picking flowers and doing whatever I want. While he is carrying his side as well as dragging my side in the mud. My side is getting all beat up and dirty. He calls over to me "I need you to pick up your side, I can't carry this all by myself" I continue to do whatever I'm doing, I can't hear him and the table is moving along just fine. So I continue doing what I'm doing, occasionally I agree to pick up my side, but that doesn't last long. Finally he is so tired and angry and annoyed that he drops the table and walks away. I'm sittling there like "What just happened, we were going along just fine" Ha Ha, yes you can enable a sober alcoholic and this is an example.
I had to pick up the "table" and do quite a bit of mending on my own. I had to take the table on my own for quite a way before my husband trusted that I wasn't just going to drop it on him again and do my own thing. I had to start taking care of myself without thinking that he will do it. Now he even looks over at me and asks "how ya doing over there, do you need to stop and rest a while" instead of "pick up you side, what's wrong with you?" And I will ask him the same questions. We have boundaries, we respect each other's boundaries. If I need a break I will ask for one, rather than silently complain that he is making me go for longer than I'm capable of.
We could reverse these roles as well but this is how I work on me as the alcoholic, I have to reverse the role to work on me as the al-anoner.
So that's a little glimpse into my experience. Alcoholism sure is a disease, that does not go away when the alcohol is gone.
Hi Moon I like your table anology a LOT!!! Thanks for sharing. I have a sober Ah and I know full well that it is not a magic answer taking the alcohol out of the situation. I hope for my Ah that he learns that also!
(btw-I did not pick up on anything that might tarnish your reputation!?)
That was great! My AH and I are working on just those issues right now. It has taken time but, he is growing each and every day with the simple truth that I won't pick up after him, do his laundry, wash his dishes. Sure I will get him a soda, rub his feet, give him a hug, do simple favors, but I will not take responsibility for the day to day tasks of life that belong to him. He is like a teenager sometimes, i.e., mixing lights and darks when he does laundry, but he now gets such a wonderful sense of accomplishment and satisfaction knowing he is taking care of himself.
Moon, I loved your table analogy too, like the others. However this is my question: how do you know which side of the table you are on? I am a dyed in the wool enabler, 15 years ol-timer al-anon, recently married a person who had a drinking problem (won't call him A, since only the A can do that). He decided to stop drinking, wanted to make changes in his life...for him. This has continued since our marriage (8months) the year we were dating I wasn't sure if he was making the changes for him or me....I chose to believe that they were for him. I was right on that one, but my sober drinker is exibiting symptoms of the "isms" that occur without the program. He is extremely controling and yet making progress on this too. He is severely resentful of my participation in al-anon, yet I would think he realizes that it's for me, not him, since I have been involved with it so long.
Your table analogy reminded me of my first A husband and I carrying a large piece of plywood (table-like) up the side of a large hill (more like a mountain) in the Texas hill country. We were building a deer stand. I would slide (lose my balance) down the hill a bit losing my footing and the A would say, "What's the matter with you? Can't you hold up your end of the plywood?" I would reply that it was too heavy for me to carry, and akward. I weighed 120 lbs and was 5 foot 10 inches tall, and probably anorexic due to the stress of the relationship, I LITERALLY didn't have the strength to carry that huge piece of plywood up a 75 degree angle hill. I dont' think that I was enabling anything, other than to allow him to treat me with disrespect and disregard. I know that now and find myself in my current marriage wondering if I truly am pulling my load or not. My husband now is not disrespectful if I say I can't do something, yet he will pout and sulk. It usually doesn't last long and I can usually determine if it's something that I need to do for me, or if it's something that he needs to do for him, depending on how long he sulks! If he deep down knows that it's HIS responsiblility he will most usually do it. If it is mine he won't. That's healthy. He has his own HP and newly aquired religious views, which are pretty much the same as mine, which is probably why our HP is working towards us compromising more than we would be without Him (HP). I still get confused however when I'm enabling and when I'm rebelling out of anger over past relationships (this is my 4th marriage, first two were to A and last one was to an ACOA who was severely effected mentally by his father's alcoholism.)
I loved your post, and since you're a double-winner (AA and al-anon) I really appreciated your honesty and your reputation isn't tarnished one bit in my book!
I relate very much to your analogy, Moon. I have been holding a table up with the other piece dragging in quick sand. It reminds me of a time when my A b/f's son from a previous relationship lived with us. I talked to my b/f about him picking up some of the slack for caring for his son. I was the primary person taking care of expenses, homework, weekend time. I told him I didn't mind doing my 50%, but it wasn't fair for him not to do his 50%. His response: You do your 50% and don't worry about mine. Not one of his more charming moments!
If I think he would get it, I would tell him about your table analogy, but instead, I think I will tuck it away in my head and in my heart, knowing I did my best, I tried, that others like me tried too, some grew closer to their A from realizing it, and others need to grow apart from realizing it.
Thanks for sharing. Know that your honesty has helped me today. Leetle
Oh thanks you guys. You know I was kindof starting to regret posting, due to fear of judgement, all that old stuff. But your post's brought tears to my eyes, I'm very greatful for all of you.
Hi Moon , well what I got from your post was humor and self awarness on your part . I had to learn that the word NO can be a complete sentence I also had to learn that i was as good as my word. If my husb asks me to do something for him then it's up to me to keep my end of the bargain , get it done , no justification no lying , just do it . he has a right to expect that if I agree to something I will do it. If I feel that he is asking something unreasonable or that he should and could be doing this himself I have learned to say no . It sure beats walking around hating myself because one more time I have let him down more importantly I have let myself down by not fulfilling a promise and I don't do that to myself anymore . (hurt me that is ) Humor works but underneath it all I have still dissapointed us both if I agree to something and don't carry it out. good luck Louise
