The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I look back at my own teen years, I have to admit it could have been worse... I didn't get into drugs and alcohol like so many of my peers did. That came later for me - but if I had discovered it as a teen, things could have been very bad. I was a loner then. I wasn't popular, but I didn't fit in with the hippies and the druggies either. In my isolation, I may have avoided getting into more trouble than I did.
In my high school there was a quote on the wall of the library. I don't remember the exact wording, or who said it. Googling hasn't turned up a match. I will try to paraphrase it: "There is a brief period, between the naievete of twelve years and the selfishness of twenty, when a person sees more clearly than he ever will again". I frequently contemplated that quotation as I passed through the middle of it. It seemed to be an affirmation of youthful idealism - yet it also seemed to be telling me that as I grew older, my ability to perceive "the truth" would be diminished.
I have to conclude some three decades later, that the quote is wrong. We don't see more clearly as teenagers; we are seeing many things for the first time, through inexperienced eyes. We cross the threshold of childhood, and learn things about the world we wish we didn't know. We exist in a precarious state where we make our own way, rejecting our parents who can no longer keep us safe every moment. We discover shocking things about humanity, without the experience and wisdom to put them in perspective, without the protection of our parents.
When we need guidance the most... when we are thrown to the wolves of teenagerhood... that's when we reject it, when we lose the ability to trust. When the bottom drops out of our world, we grab at anything, we struggle to place a foot or a hand on something solid, yet we fear that nothing but nothing is solid.
And the teenager must go it alone, as we all live every moment of our lives alone.
When my daughter entered this stage of her life, my world turned upside down. I never felt so completely powerless. My own teenage experience was fresh in my mind, but sharing it with her seemed to yield nothing but scorn and contempt... how could I possibly understand? I couldn't. Somewhere in there, I found one and only one message to try and give to her: Survive. How do you explain to someone that has been your baby and your joy, that now her world is full of pain and emotion and hormones and unbearable angst over the most trivial things? How do you tell her that "this too shall pass", when she is at the lowest point in her life in terms of believing a word you say?
You don't... you just say... survive... please, survive. It's worth it if you survive.
I guess that is what holds us close today - that daughter who is now thirty-mumble years old, and her grumpy old step-pappa. We are survivors.
That little girl of hers - most precious in the world - is set to turn 13. I just want to crawl into my closet with a blanket and pillow, and curl up and cry -- knowing what awaits her -- and knowing there is absolutely nothing I, or her mother, can do about it. It's called life... it's what makes us who we are, and even the most precious child must, in the end, find her own way.
God Bless The Teenager, and God Bless the parents and grandparents too. We need it!
What a great post. Thanks for sharing. I have a 13 year old son who is really struggling w/his dad's addiction and lack of concern for himself and his family. The poor thing has to go through this when times are already rocky for him....and you really shed some light. Thank you. Although, now I am officially scared. But I will remember what you said - SURVIVE. I will pass that on to him....not matter what happens, survive. Every day you survive is a day closer to the end of the drama....to finding happiness, serenity.
Now I am off to join my son in my very first karate class.
On February 2nd of this year, our youngest daughter turned 20. I don't know what was more painful - going thru the teenage years myself or watching 5 daughters go thru those horrible, painful teenage years and not being able to do anything to protect them from the pain, sorrow, and harsh realities that they each had to experience. Yes, I do - watching them go thru it was much more painful.
When I am on the floor playing with my precious grandchildren, sometimes I think 8 yrs from now they will be experiencing those teenage years - oh God, please help them - then I shut my mind to that idea & we watch "Cars", "Lady & The Tramp" or "Finding Nemo" for the 5th time in a row and I don't mind a bit.
This is the easy part.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Yep, those days when $19.95 and a new dolly from Walmart makes you the most awesome parent (or grandparent) on earth are precious. I have loved every minute of it. And now it starts all over again, but this time with a boy -- a new experience for both grandpa and mom. I just hope this little boy can have a relationship with his big sister. They are so far apart in age, by the time he's old enough to really remember her, she's going to be off to college... or wherever she goes off to!
QOD wrote: What a great post. Thanks for sharing. I have a 13 year old son who is really struggling w/his dad's addiction and lack of concern for himself and his family. The poor thing has to go through this when times are already rocky for him....
This is a big part of why I have not gotten involved as an Alateen facilitator. I am just too close to the emotions, and I could not maintain the proper amount of detachment. Fortunately we have some great people doing Alateen in the area and I've been able to take my granddaughter to meetings here and there, and she really looks forward to them.
About the Grandkid's age difference... My girls were 16 and 14 when their brother was born. They all are very close even now..son will be 17 tomorrow and daughter are 30 mumble too. :)
I recall when my oldest daughter went in to the Army. My son was 6 yrs old. After the people in green came to pick her up and we said our goodbyes, I found my son back in his bedroom sobbing. I said "sister will be back". My son said "I know mommy, but right now it feels like my heart died." He loves his big sisters alot.
My son is in a rock band, both girls attend every gig possible. They've always been a surrogate for me at Six Flags. They went on (and still do) the rides with him that would make me barf. They've all went camping together too. It's nice to get a weekend w/o kids every once in a while and still know that your little one is safe with family that love eachother. There's lots of good things in having much older siblings, especially when the older ones can drive.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 18:42, 2007-02-26
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am involved with teens, have been an alateen sponsor for a few years. I still help teens who live with alcoholic parents. I hope you dont take this as a contradiction. Just offering another side of what that quote meant. I disagree with your saying they dont see things clearly. In my opinion they see more than we think and much more than we know. They do see things more clearly than adults. Teens get this program (alateens) much faster than adults. If you notice they can understand things better than we can, when it comes to technology and alot more. Also thier peer problems, We stay stuck in our stuff longer than teens do because we have more to deal with than they do. Not to say or lesson us or the teens its just a fact.
We have alot more responsibilty and alot more worries than our teens. They can work it out much more faster and work to understand things well. More than we can because we have to deal with all the other things going around us also. Including our TEENS!!! lol
I can sit in a room with teens for hours and come out knowing alot more than i did when i went in. I find it truly amazing. Teens do go through alot growing up in thier years. Some grow up way before thier time. Its when they enter adulthood and out into the real world all responsibilities that we have, that they get lost. They are our future. I do hope we can help them grow and keep them healthy. Teens need to live. As do we.
Thanks for the post
kerry
-- Edited by kerry5 at 18:56, 2007-02-26
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I think that the quote means, by seeing clearly, that they see things without prejudice. But much of what we consider experience is prejudice and vice versa. They are two sides of the same coin. Experience (or prejudice) will cause us to draw conclusions; the child seeing these things for the first time may draw no conclusions and just experience them, or may draw very different conclusions. Which may or may not be correct.
I do love the idealism of young people, it's energizing... but, idealism gives way to reality. And the reality isn't so much that what they dream is impossible, but that it ain't gonna happen by sitting around wishing for it. It takes lots and lots of hard work.
If you take the analogy of someone who is new to Alanon - or AA - the enthusiasm they have for the program, and the desire to share it and pass it on, I think there is a lot of parallel there. And we learn that our progam is not for people who need it, but for people who want it. And that for those who want it.... it takes lots and lots of hard work.
Children, and teenagers frequently - as Bobby Kennedy once said - see things as they ought to be and ask why not. Unfortunately the answer to why not is... not everybody wants it that way. When you are an idealist, at some point there is a painful realization that you're a minority, and it's going to stay that way. Those who do make a difference often do so at an extraordinary price.
It sounds a little negative to me. I have been involved with teens for 7 years. Never met one that made it with a price. I tell teens they can do and be anything they want to be. I tell them to be who they are. Without the labels that adults put on them. I will agree to disagree with you
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
never said it was invalid, just gave my opinion as everyone else did. This program teaches kids how to live not survive. Only an opinion on the topic as you gave yours. I gave mine.
Take what ya like and leave the rest
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
I don't think we disagree. You read me wrong. I tend to broaden the topic when I talk, you took everything I said as applying to Alateen. Not what I meant. But, let's leave the misunderstanding in present form and not make it worse.
I just realized that while children are dogs ... loyal and affectionate ... teenagers are cats.
It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorstep, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry ... then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it and it runs away. Tell it to sit and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you." Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.
Barisax,
I hope you like this. It was sooooooooo helpful to me a couple of years ago when my three boys (all within 3 years of each other) were teenagers. I kept reminding myself they are cats. Thus far, I've got two dogs back again and I am thrilled and my youngest (who's still a cat) is beginning to morph. I can see it and I am so excited.
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
