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I have enough of the program in me that I should be able to figure this out for myself but for some reason I just can't seem to.
I came to Al-Anon to learn how to deal with my A/DA son and have done quite well or thought I had at learning when to let go, when to help, when to run for my life. My son is doing ok as far as I know right now.
The problem I am facing right now is with my sister. Many years ago she drank a LOT and she has admitted that she is an alcoholic even though she hasn't had a drink in probably 15+ years. However, after a back injury she became addicted to pain medications and it has caused major problems for her. Last year alone I took her to the ER four times either driving her myself or calling an Ambulance. Three of the four times she was minutes away from death.
She recently decided she wants to get off of the medications so she went to detox, has attended 3 AA meetings but she is having a lot of problems with the pain. I honestly don't know how much pain she really is in... she says it is unbearable but on the other hand yesterday she drove herself to my home and I didn't notice any signs of pain in her face or body language when she walked etc. She was having the shakes really bad yesterday and she is very scared. Her husband is out of town this week so she is alone which I feel certain doesn't help things at all. She can't drive at night because she lost her glasses and cannot see well enough at night to drive.
In the beginning I told her that I would drive her to all of the meetings she wanted to go to until she got her glasses, which I don't mind doing.
The problem is....I am having those same old aches in the pit of the stomach dealing with her that I had when I was dealing with my son on a regular basis. Part of me wants to run away and have nothing to do with it, the other part of me wants to do everything I can for her including my making phone calls for people for her to talk to, introducing her to people at meetings so she will feel comfortable..... and the list goes on. I find that I am feeling like I am doing too much for her and a lot of what I am doing she should be doing herself but I'm not sure she can....this stems back to the the nearly 40 years that I have been trying to save her from herself with no progress at all until now.
She wants the serenity I have found in Al-Anon but I can't give that to her and a large part of me still wants to help her all I can to find it. I have told her that I will do what I can but she has to remember that I am on the other side of the fence, her needing AA/NA and my being in Al-Anon and Naranon groups.
I need someone with an objective opinion to look at this from the outside and give me their thoughts on directions I should be taking with her. I don't want her recovery to push mine back past step 1 again, but then again maybe I need to work the steps on this one.
How much help is too much and hurting her more than helping or assisting her to find the resources she needs?
Mobirdie
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Hi Mobirdie, I'm new to this board, with an A/D husband just barely going to meetings, etc. I "grew up" in the program b/c of an A/D father, so I'm with you on feeling I should somehow know what to do already.
Just FYI on your sister's pain issues . . . I also worked as a manager in a drug rehab (can you say A/D addiction has been way too much of my life :D ? ). The first several weeks after detoxing from opiates is basically a nightmare, their pain receptors are screaming for the opiates, so there is no true pain, no wound, just a very wrecked brain chemistry, and if she doesn't use, this will go away. I believe it's very similar to alcohol craving, it just takes a lot of time, sometimes weeks or even months.
I relate to that sick stomach feeling you talk about, that confusion and even anger that "here I am again!!" with a really messed up loved one. I'd listen to that "gut", it's telling you something important. For me, it's saying "Yes, you are in a 'dangerous' situation with this person, they are excessively needy/dependent/bottomless pit, so watch out!!!" So it's a good thing, it's your personal health gving you a warning.
Doing what she literally can't do for herself, like night driving, is an example of "good help". Allowing her to sit at your table and make the phone calls herself (unless her fingers are broken :D) is good too. I wouldn't call for her, or go about gathering up help for her unless she was bedridden.
The thing that is so apparent with my A husband is in this early part of recovery, he BELIEVES he has no ability or power to "do" for himself, though he does (he is ambulatory, fingers aren't broken, voice works, feeds and waters self, you know) and it is NOT helping him to remember that he is an adult human being with dignity who can and should take responsibility for his own well being.
They desperately need to feel they can do something good, but if we do it for them, we rob them. Even though they beg and moan they can't, we are hurting them more unless we hold them up to a standard of self care.
I think you are already doing great, it's just all the stuff from your son coming back to "warn" you, and plain old bad memories and re-encountering good ole step one :D .
Thanks for your post, my own twisted gut feelings thank you too.
As we all know trying to help any loved one that is an A can be a slippery slope for any of us - it is a fine line for me - that I always have to reach out for help to make sure I am handling the situation in a healthy way. Good for you that you are reaching out for that help.
I don't think there is anything wrong with offering rides to meetings - possibly I might would offer to bring her until she found someone else she could ride with? - From my experience with AA meetings - part of their service work is sometimes giving rides to other members that are unable to drive, don't have transportation or need the support to get to a meeting. By you not always providing a ride, it also might help her recovery to establish a relationship with her fellow AA members. Don't know this for sure, just throwing an idea out there.
We love our family members so much, but sometimes we are too close to help them with their recovery. I don't know if this is the situation with you & your sister or not. The main thing is, of course, to continue to take care of yourself. Which it sounds like you are doing a good job of that.
One Day at a Time, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
well for one thing u can bet she is in pain , her body is screaming for her pain killers that she has become addicted to. And taking her to meetings is nice of you but why isn't she replacing the glasses so that she can drive herself . You can set boundaries don't give up your meetings to see that she gets to hers , it's still you first . its not your job to keep her clean , support her efforts but not at your expence. find your detachment pamphlet again . you will find what u need there goodluck Louise
Wow, you're in a difficult position. Is there anyone at the meetings who can drive her? I remember when A couldn't get to the meetings, he called someone and made arrangements to get there. Perhaps that's what she needs to do. I agree with Abby, why isn't she replacing the glasses? Good question to ask her. Trust your instinct. As hard as it for you, you have to remember what you have done with your recovery and the lessons you've learned. You'll be alright.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
