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Dear all, Are there people out there that can really spend the evening with an AH who is not violent but just wants to talk to you all night. I do not feel at peace anymore. It used to not bother me and now either because I am working less program or because I am pregnant (3 months), I just can't be around him without being angry. I get especially angry during active A but I also get angry without active A.
Is there anyone out there who can live in the same house with the A and tolerate being in the same room with them? I am thinking that the program will never work for me and that the AH and I will need to separate. Would like to hear your ESH as I need hope.
Hmm pregnancy can make some people a little hormonal and upset a little easier.. (Not to downplay how you are feeling at all! Because I have been there. Hmm actually I was more able to put up with my A when I was pregnant because I was so busy preparing for baby and was also working at a new job. I was too busy. Plus I had a job in a call center where people would call up complain and yell abuse at me most of the time, so he was easy compared to that. I guess just make yourself busy, ask him to help you do little things when he is sober so he feels he has some purpose, like he can look after you and it might inspire him to be more nurturing to you. You are at a time where you should be looked after like a princess for the next 7 months! Just play it up a little and see what he does - pretend to drop something and ask for help to pick it up and then kiss him and praise him like a little kid when he does it. That's all I can think of.
Yes, I think that if there is no violence and abuse, it is possible to live with an active A. It takes detachment, use of alanon tools, and a good support system to do it without real damage to your self esteem though.
The real question is, I guess, do YOU want to do it, with YOUR A? No one else knows your situation, and your feelings. If you are not going to meetings, please start going. Read the literature, participate here. You will find some techniques that you will feel you can use, and they will make changes in your life. Those changes will give you some idea of what your options are, within the relationship. With more knowlege, and more strength, you have more choices.
Someone here put it very well a little while ago - A + B = C. If A doesn't change, but B does, then C will also change. There is not much you can do about him, but a lot you can do about you.
To just answer one part of your question, I personally could not live with my A. That feeling you describe of not being able to stand being in the same room with him is exactly what I feel/felt.
Living with him or not living with him, both have their own set of problems. Which set could you put up with "easier"?
Something to think about, at least on that part of your dilemma.
I used to feel this way.... his every move just made me nuts.... Almost ill. I would and sometimes still feel like even being around him like I need to crawl out of my skin... The feeling of his every move making me almost psychotic hasn't completely gone away but I started reading lots of soul searching, self improvement, positive books... and one morning I got up and just decided I wasn't going to be pi**** anymore, I wasn't going to let him get to me.. yes he still does but not like before. Kinda hard to explain... I just decided to focus on my happiness and my boys and let him drink himself silly if he wanted.
The biggest break through for my current sanity was to stop screaming at him while he's drunk. I used to scream until I pretty much had a panic attack.... of course you know they never hear a word of it. <ugh> I still have my down and depressed days, but just not like before.... I'm slowly taking control back. Pretty sure eventually I'll leave..... financial reasons are all that really keeps me here... I do love him, but deep down I know he'll never change....
Sorry this kinda turned in to a rant, and prob made no sense.... it is possible to live with them, I think you just have to know how to focus on yourself to do so..... <hugs>
I remember feeling that way. Sometimes just the sight of my A would make me wanna run. And yes, being pregnant only magnified that feeling for me. After sitting one evening those feelings were particularly strong and talking with someone very close to me, we figured out that alot of my problem was resentments. Everytime I seen him I would let all that nonsense run through my head. Did it do me any good? No. All I was doing was driving myself crazy. As I started to let go of all the resentments I was able to be in the same room with him without getting upset....the more resentments I let go of the more comfortable I was being around him. My A was not around me when he was drunk or using....this was a boundary I made. He was never abusive, but I could not stand to see him, smell him or hear him when he was drunk, so he was not allowed to come home till he was sober. So even sober he would get on my last nerve until I let go (of my resentments) and let God (my choice of HP) take care of the rest.
I had three babies. One was 13 months old and my twins were brand new newborns. I could NOT live with my ah. I could not take the best care of my children knowing he was a dry drunk. He was miserable and I was having such a hard time becoming a mother of three all of a sudden. I don't think it was my hormones because I STILL can not be around him if he's miserable. The ONLY way he's allowed me is if he hasn't been drinking and he's happy. Otherwise he just makes me mad. Almost everything he would do would tick me off. Things he said ect. I think once you become a mother (pg) your mind starts to think of your first priority and that's your child. You grow up while they stay behind mentally. My opinion anyway. I say if you want to try and make it work then you need to get a group of woman in a couseling group and talk. That's what helped me. They will help you find your way out of that black hole you feel your in. Do you have a church? Sometimes that's like free therapy..lol It works. I started going so I could relax and be nicer inside instead of that beast I was becoming and it's working and I am becoming a nicer and better and more tolerant person. Good luck.
