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Hi! I am glad that I found this site. I read some of the posts, and finally don't feel alone. Someone else knows what I am going through.
I am 8 1/2 months pregnant, and contemplating leaving my husband. I dont know how much more foolishness I can take. I never want to go home if I know he's there, because I KNOW he will be drunk. Especially when he gets paid. He really gets tore up then. My husband turns into a TOTAL MONSTER when he drinks. I cannot stand to even be anywhere near him when he's drunk. But when he's not drunk, he's good to me, sweet, gentle, giving, and romantic.
So, I've told him that he needs to choose, me and our baby girl, or his liquid poison...Guess what he chose? Alcohol!!! This feeling of being rejected is hard. He knows how much this hurts me, yet he still continues to do it. I dont know what to do. I want to make this marriage work, due to the fact that we are having a baby REALLY soon. But I dont want the baby to grow up thinking this MONSTER is her father. That's not the man that I fell in love with...
I just dont know what to do...I love him to death, just not the alcohol.
He makes me so mad, because he acts so stupid~~ This man lost our $350 cell phone somewhere at the bar. AND who's the one that has to pay for a new one?? me!! It seems like i am always giving my all, alwas picking up the pieces he seems to drop.
I'm tired! Something has got to give!!! I just cannot bring myself to leave him. I feel like he needs me too much~ Anyone been in the same siutuation??
Dear one, you cannot continue to pick up his pieces. I know that is easier said than done, but you must see to the mental and physical health of you and your little daughter-to-be. If hubby has chosen the alcohol, then he has not yet reached bottom, and, believe me, there is nothing you can do but let him go on his own free fall. Meanwhile, please do locate AlAnon meetings in your area, and GO!!! You will learn how to come to grips with this awful problem, and how to live your life your way in spite of his drinking. Also make a habit of joining us here on this board and in the meeting room. We all understand your plight, and we are all here to help as best we can.
Best to you, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think we have all been in that situation, one way or another. We love the Alcoholics in our lives, but can't continue to live with the insanity.
There are a lot of different paths that can be taken, and no one but you knows which one is right for you. You may find it possible, with the help of alanon tools and support, to continue to stay with your husband, and still get some joy and serenity out of life. You may find that it is best for you to leave, and we can help give you the strength and resolution to do that. One thing we can NOT do, and you can't either, is get your husband to stop drinking. There is no program or action on earth that YOU can do, that will make that happen. It is not yours to do. We can help you let go of his drinking, and stop beating your head against that stone wall.
To my mind, he is not really choosing drinking over you - to him, it does not look like he has a choice. It would be like saying "You need to chose, me or oxygen". He most likely cannot imagine a world where he doesn't drink. You may find it more useful, instead of making HIM choose, to do some choosing yourself - what do you need, in order to be happy, and how can you ensure you get it.
Welcome - do some reading, get to a face to face meeting, and come here whenever you want, to talk to people who do understand.
I am glad you found this site. It has to be so so hard to be almost ready to deliver and be facing this.
One thing we learn is to say what we mean and stand behind it. The disease controlling your husband now sees it can control him, and have you too.
Believe me your husband loves you very much. However he has a very powerful disease that will always come first if he is sober, on a program or using.
It is not different than any other incurable disease.
When we "fix" things for them, we are enabling. Being married to an A is totally different than to one who is not. A being Addict and or alcoholic.
In my experience, if I love my A husband and wanted to stay with him. I had to take care of everything. i mean finances, vehicles, paying bills, food, all decisions. Put things in my name only, so when he gets dui's or whatever I can protect me. I got a legal separation. In my state that means we are married only. He cannot get sued and me lose my house. etc.
Your soon to be little one has an addict for a father. There is no escaping that fact. There are many here who can help you more there if you choose to stay. I kicked him out, got a restraining order and we did not see him for 10 years.
I saw my daughter go thru what you are hon. Even worse her A is abusive. She had to call the police, be moved to another city and get a R order on him. He pushed her when she was standing with the baby and hurt her badly.
No matter what, if he is using, you will be going through all kinds of changes the next few weeks, and he will probably be worse.
The focus will be off him. I call mine a pod person. He is inside that body being controlled by a demon called alcoholism. The A does not like to be ignored. NO matter what his stuff will be more important than yours or the babies.
Sadly it will only get worse. Even if he goes to rehab, gets on a program,chances are he will go right back again more than once. He is VERY ill.
The decision is always the individuals. We do our best to support each other thru it all.
I have not seen nor talked to my A H in months but I could not live very well without alanon. The support here means more to me than about anything.
Please keep coming back. I would work on what I need. Take care of what you need taken care of. He is an adult, let him fall. He has to figure out it is no fun drinking, when he has no one to help him.
Some are so miserable, have lost EVERYTHING, including their integrity, and still will do anything to get whatever drug they can.
Men tend to find women who "take care of them." Lots of times their own mothers.
If you keep coming I promise it will make things so much easier.
Jeannie on here was in your position. However they had other kids. But she was so down and scared and sad and found she was pg.
If you would like to, click on her name. then send her a private note. I am sure, the sweetheart that she is, would love to share with you.
I hope to see you here a lot. We all would LOVE To share all the news about your pregnancy, baby and whatever you need to share or vent.
Hi, I've been in the same situation. My son is 20 months old now. I separated from my son's father when my son was only 8 months old. I don't regret it. But it hasn't been easy either. What it came down to for me was my son's well-being was my priority. I did not want him witnessing any more conflict (yelling, physical fighting, slamming of doors). First he used to go to ante-natal classes with me with red eyes and reeking of beer, how humiliating. It makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking of the time when my ex was drunk and getting on my case while I was changing the baby on the change-table. My ex got close and I pushed him and he pushed my back and we ended up wrestling and the baby could have fallen off the table. We were soo caught up in the fight over alcohol. The tension and resentment got so bad that my ex would walk past me and whisper nasty things like 'bitch' under his breath, or stick out his foot to deliberately try to trip me up. I felt like it was slowly chipping away at my sanity, as if it's not hard enough already with a newborn. Some days he'd be hung over in the morning, not get up and help me and if I asked him to get up he'd deliberately lie on the couch for a whole day and just watch me struggle. I despised him. He probably despised me. One night he was drunk and I tried to call his mother (who ended up coming up with the term for him and I 'Friday night fight night') - he'd say 'why don't you two just get together and F. off' then grabbed the phone and threw it at the wall so it smashed into pieces. If he was drunk and grumpy with me he'd turn the stereo up full blast in the middle of the night and wouldn't care if it woke up the baby. (By the way, you say he lost your phone, don't buy him another one. He lost it so he can pay for it or go without). He got drunk the night that we came home from the hospital. To make things worse the baby's diaper wasn't on properly I guess and leaked so I had to change all the sheets myself, and I wasn't used to doing any of it and still very tired and sore. I think he actually started drinking more after the baby, and he said he wouldn't. He also said he'd stop smoking weed and he didn't. He told me his mother told him to chew gum so I wouldn't know, how crazy is that. So, what I'm saying is that if you think things are stressfull now, having a newborn is also very stressful. If you are hoping that he is going to help you, then you may have to re-think that. I would try to get everything in place and ready before baby comes so you don't have to rush out to the shops to get something you forgot, like burp cloths or laundry powder.. Have plan of a place to go if things get bad. Do you have much family support? If you breastfeed you will be waking up every 3 hours around the clock and so you will need help. Can you talk to his parents about his behaviour? Does anyone else know?
I'm new to the board as well. I'm 24, and I've been with my boyfriend for 5yrs. We have a 3yr old together and I have 2 children from previous. I know exactly how you feel, I've been dealing with the alcoholism for years....Just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to talk to, I'd love to swap emails/Im's
I've been in your shoes as well. My youngest just turned four in January, and all she's known is "Daddy drinks too much beer." We are currently separated, and I have filed for divorce.
Please be sure to take care of yourself and your new baby NOW. For instance, how are you going to get to the hospital? I kept $100 hidden in the house, just in case I had to take a cab when I went into labor. I was fortunate that my doctor agreed to induce labor when the baby was 7 days late; I actually drove us there.
When your bring that baby home, if you don't have family or friends you can call on (mine were about an hour away back then), try to get extra basics for the baby to keep on hand (diapers, formula, infant tylenol, etc.). I can't tell you how many times my AH was supposed to stop and pick up diapers, milk, medicine, or formula... and somehow between leaving work and stopping at the nearest bar or liquor store, it was just forgotten. I had two others at the time, so it was harder to just run out at 9:00 pm if someone had a fever.
This disease does progress. And the downward spiral goes faster and faster. My AH went from earning close to $100,000 annually to losing three jobs in three years; the last one lasted only 9 days. In Decemeber, he totalled his car. Our savings is gone, we're filing for bankruptcy, our house is on the market, and I'm living back under my mother's roof with my 3 kids. And I stayed as long as I did because I felt he needed me - what would he do without me? And how would I be able to support myself and the kids? Well, it's just that much harder 3 years later...
Please, take care of you and your baby now. Do what's right for you and that little girl. You're the one she'll always count on.
Sorry you are in so much pain, especially now when you need support, not this nonsense. I agree with Linda, figure out how you are going to get to the hospital and get home.
You will be on your own even if he is there, drunk or sober. Plan accordingly and keep coming back.
You are so smart to be here. I have no kids just many of other species :) That is almost as hard as having kids involved. No-one should go through what we go through to live with and love someone but we do. He's gotcha and the A part of him knows it. You ,as you are well aware of I am sure, are making it easy for him to treat you like this. You and your child DO NOT DESERVE THIS. It is hard to go, I did and I was gone for a month. I just needed a while to clear my brain, stop the stress or make it a little less to see what it was like to not have it 24/7. It helped me to put things in perspective and to make it easier to live with an A and still be me....altho it is difficult at times. Alanon rocks so stick here or, if you stay with your A, pack up baby and hit the meetings ALOT! I just can't imagine having a baby coming and this is where you are. I am sorry. This should be such a happy time for you. Please take care. YOU and your child come WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY before anything else!
