The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i knew just by the way the keys were laid that he would not be coming back tonight. they were sitting on the desk atop a piece of white paper, as if to say....., i won't be back and he wasn't. he did call though, and, knew by the tone of his voice that this would be a two day or a three day or a week binge. he told me of a nephew who has been missing two years. they found the truck at the bridge over the river in the city. no body. the search resumes this spring. if they don't find the body or the boy, he will be pronounced dead this spring. all i can think of is.........., AGAIN ?!?!?!? another one. i know alanon is supposed to help me with this stuff, and, yes it has. because today i realize, it is okay to be sad. i cannot help but wonder, who is next, and, how much more can i or do i want to take? something interesting has happened to me. no intense fear this time as i wonder how many more will this disease take. usually my fear is overwhelming. some of you may know....., we lost a child years ago, i have been terrified of who is next for many years. today, i just don't feel the fear, just a calm resolve, accompanied by a deep sadness. this is the way it is. i am powerless, and, i can't do anything about it. but that missing boy, was just a bit older than my daughter. i was pregnant with her when he was toddling around on the floor. just another stinken tragedy. he would have been in his early twenties. the authorities are saying suicide. another one. there are so many in this family. and, i don't understand how these people can sit around the kitchen table and drink some more, and talk into their drinks about one horrible tragedy after another like it's normal and then..., drink some more. they do not see it. i guess that is just another part of this whole stinkin, tragic, blinding, suttle, baffling, cunning disease.
so just for tonight .........., i am so terribly sad.
I'm hearing an awful lot of things, here Jewlery. And, as always,you always have the right to tell me to stuff it. ((Jewlery)). This is what I hear: Alot of anger. First, at your husband. How could he go out on a binge, for days? Just pack up and go?! What in god's name is he thinking? He's gonna just GO?! Secondly, I hear alot of rage at your nephew. Yes. I do. I hear a person that is feeling like she is abandoned (NORMAL! ) I hear a person that feels outraged--how dare you go an die on me, especially in the prime of your life! (NORMAL! ) How could you, you whom I have almost raised on my own as if you were my own child! (ESPECIALLY NORMAL! ) I hear rage at how "the powers that be" are handling his death--how dare you pronounce him dead! can't you see he's alive? (NORMAL!) How dare you pronounce him alive! Can't you see he's dead! (NORMAL!) How dare you not produce a body for burial--can't you see that makes the situation worse! Can't you see that we can't grieve his death! (NORMAL!) Can't you see you're implying he's dead when he's alive! (NORMAL!) And, if nothing else, you're absolutely outraged at the fact that all of this is the reality of alchoism. Your daughter is taking advantage of you because her disease has her in a paralell universe--and holding your grandaughter hostage. Your nephew is....somewhere. And causing your emotions to be put into a blender on puree. Your husband has chosen to go listen to the disease rather than be here for you. It's okay to be hurting right now. It's okay to be feeling like a complete and total tool (that's how I feel in these situations at least). This is where a sponsor comes in. this is where a home group comes in. You came to us. Asked us for help. Shared and validated your feelings. You've been taking alot of action these past few months Jewlery. Don't be quitting now. You know what to do. We talked last time about service. Getting your hands into the nuts and bolts of al anon. This would be a fantastic time to really get into that. There are some children at the local school getting ready for their spring exams that need a shoulder to cry on too. ((J)) Keep us posted.
honestly tiger, no anger, not this time, it has just melted away into that place of powerlessness. as for service, i have to be very, very careful. i have been unwell for a few years and am monitoring my condition . going to meetings and staying online is about all i can manage right now. i was the secretary for northern alberta in alanon a few years ago,amongst other service duties. when i became ill, i had to stop. it was then that i learned. it is not what i do, but, what i am that matters. and just for today........., i am striving to be a healthy well adjusted human being, living within the capacity of my condtition.
just for today, i will live in the moment. i know it has been suggested that i get busy with service, but, i know my physical limits. i have been busy in the past and, then became very ill. i am not wanting to go back to that place of incapacity. so, i have learned that sometimes inaction is the best action. today, i will stay close to home and begin to strip down my bathroom for it's make over. i am going to dejunk, paint, pull out the carpet and lay a new floor. THAT I CAN DO !!!! last week i redid my room. it is very pretty. new rug and all. i really am pleased with myself in that area. every time i dejunk and redo a room, it is as if that room takes a deep sigh of relief and says......., "thank you, i can breath now''.
thank so much for listening, acceptance is the key to this disease, even accepting my own sadness. i try so hard to push that feeling away. [it frightens me]
) I hear a person that feels outraged--how dare you go an die on me, especially in the prime of your life! (NORMAL! 
Your daughter is taking advantage of you because her disease has her in a paralell universe--and holding your grandaughter hostage. Your nephew is....somewhere. And causing your emotions to be put into a blender on puree. Your husband has chosen to go listen to the disease rather than be here for you. 
It's okay to be hurting right now. It's okay to be feeling like a complete and total tool (that's how I feel in these situations at least).