The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to Al-Anon and couldn't get to a meeting tonight. I am feeling pretty crazy right now. I filed for temporary custody of my granddaughter yesterday. She is 10 months old and I never even considered raising another child. I am filled with worry for my daughter and fear of the future. I don't think I can do this (raise my grandchild) but feel there is no options. I am concerned with what it is going to do to my marriage (not my daughters father), my 'golden years' and my finances. I know I am future tripping with my big black paintbrush, but...... anybody out there have any strength, experience or hope in dealing with having to raise a grandchild?
I don't have any ESH for raising a Grandchild, but I sure can relate to having a child who is an addict. I am so glad you came here. There is lots of support here. I know there will be someone who has some solid things to say.
Make sure you are taking care of you. What a wonderful person you are for stepping up to take care of an innocent child.
Come on into chat too. There are usually people there willing to llisten.
Hi there My Ah (who is not with me right now) has grandchildren. We also have a 2 year old together. A few months ago, his daughter got herself in a mess (alcohol related) and her infant son had to be removed from the home. That translated into we (I) took him in for a month.
I can relate to the sense of obligation to that circumstance and also to it not being what you want. It was very difficult on my lifestyle, finances, etc. We had to pay for childcare all of a sudden and baby expenses etc. THis all took away from my son, our household, etc.
I could sympathsize with the baby and understood that he was but an innocent victim to this situation and I cared for him with love. But I was angry that we (I) was left holding the bag on account of my Ah's daughters irresponsibility.
I don't know what the right answer is. You will find what the right answer is for you and the child. Raising your grandchild doesn't HAVE to be the answer. There are many people out there waiting to have/adopt and raise a child with love. In having a close friend who is the adopted mother of two awesome kids, I know that adoption does not have to mean that you couldn't continue your 'grandma' role in your grandchild's life.
At the same time, raising your grandchild yourself, doesn't necessarily mean a gloomy future either. Perhaps an unexpected, unpredicted gift!!!?
What I am learning and have learned is that those of us with A's, we don't have to always feel responsible for holding the bag when our A's let go of it.
Sending you thoughts as you come to YOUR right decision...
My first grandaughter was born when I was 39. My oldest daughter then was 17 and involved in drugs and drinking and the lifestyle that goes with it.
A lot of back and forth for a while ...I had her..then she had her...etc. Then when I was 40 I had a brain tumor and surgery. That was in July .... in November, my daughter called from 1100 miles away to say to come and get her if I wanted her. Welfare also called me from that state. I and my daughter's dad were divorced at the time. I was looking at a recuperatiion from the surgery ...learning to walk and talk etc all over again. Somehow, I managed to drive those 1100 miles in Nov and got my grandaughter and brought her home.... she was 20 months old and already had been sexually abused. The conditions she was living in appalled me and I knew I had no choice. My daughter was also pregnant with another by then.
I brought her home with me. Shortly after I started having partial seizures and I questioned my decision. Then in a few months my daughter called again and said ... if you want this other one come and get her..she's 2 months old. Here I was single, with health problems and had this 2 yr old and still 2 other kids at home yet. After much prayer and thought I decided I could not do justice to both so I had to say no.
Anyway, this grandaughter is today 18 and a Sr in High School. If you go to my profile and read my posts, you will see it hasn't always been easy. But .......... I would do the same thing over again. The blessings and the rewards have been worth it all!!!!
Just my experience. I will pray for the right path for your situation.
Thank you all for your stories. I got to a meeting this morning and it helped (it always does). Just listening to others helps me put my story in perspective. I know intellectually that I have choices and repeat to myself the slogans and serenity prayer, but I know emotionally I have not surrendered. I want to. I just don't know how. My father was an alcoholic and my ultimate power. When he died... I took over. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it until I met my current husband (3 times a charm!!) who is in recovery. Over the last 6 years he has shared his experience and I realized I was missing something. Alot of somethings. At the time we were dealing with his daughter and letting go and boy was I full of advice. My first meeting was a gift from God. I was crazy and knew I had to go somewhere or do something or I was going to break something or kill someone. I do anger really well. So I went to the website, found one meeting that night close to me and went. I was so full of rage and anger. I got there late (OMG the worst thing for me), had nowhere to sit except in a single chair kind of in the middle of the group (I prefer to sit with my back to a wall). Looked around and it was ALL women (Oh No! A bunch of whining bash the alcoholic women) and was immediately handed something to read.... OUT LOUD!! I was so far out of my comfort zone I thought I was going to either start screaming or crying. But I stayed and by the time I left I was actually laughing out loud. Something I hadn't done for months!!! So I know I need the program... but it is so difficult for me to share face to face because I just end up crying. I know, I know, it's okay.... I get it intellectually... just waiting for the emotional spiritual side of me to catch up. So I am hoping here I can share... truly anonymously and it will give me courage to open up to others face to face. Thanks for listening.
My kids aren't old enough for me to have grandchildren yet, but I work in childcare, and we have a little girl in this same circumstance.
She was taken from her mom and given to grandma at 10 months. Badly neglected - she didn't know how to sit up by that age. Terrified of strangers, she screamed nonstop her first few weeks at daycare, but grandma had no choice - had to make a living. Very rough couple of months for everybody.
That girl is three now, and is the light of her grandma's life. Full of personality, enormously bright and capable. Very rewarding child to spend time with - a very special kid indeed. What looked at first like a burden has turned into a joy. Sometimes it does work out.
