I am now in a place where I see the A lied from day one of our relationship. When I met him he had a suspended license for a DUI.  He never disclosed that to me.  He lied about his exgirlfriend (he sung that she was the drug abuser).  He lied about why he left his last apartment. I am sure they got fed up with his antics as fed up as I am.

He lied about why his brother left and did not live with him anymore. He lied about his friendships. He lied about his work history.  He just plain lied.

He presented this picture of the poor giving person who was misunderstood.  He also didn't disclose many of his issues including the fact he never filed any tax returns. He even lied about how much rent he paid.  So everything to him is a lie full time always.

I don't think he knows what the truth is he skews it so much.

Right now he is on a huge self pity trip.  Oh how terrible his life is. How awful it is not all on his terms.  Ohg how sick he is!!!   When I have been sick he has totally and absolutely ignored me and told me that I had the power to get better on my own. He did nada for me when I was sick. He resented it when I was in the hospital. He resented that I needed medication. He resented when I asked for any one thing around being sick. But I am not supposed to buy that he is totally disabled and take care of him 24/7.

There are some days I find him absolutely totally insufferable to be around. At the same time I do much much better at detaching.  For the last two days, my days off, I cleaned and cooked and cleaned. He did nothing, nada except sit around and feel sorry for himself. He does not have the killer flu, he does not have active symptoms but every single day all he can do is act out on his "poor me!"

I am stuck on my plan b around financial issues while I re-strategize my job situations. I keep putting out effort. It is just a matter of time but there are days when I feel choked in his self pity, stubbornness and total rage.  I also just get fed up to the back teeth with his total sense of entitlement. He feels entitled to everything.  He feels like every single thing that has happened to him is nothing to do with his actions.  Everysingle thing is someone else's fault and he will go to any lengths to make it mine!

Whatever I do is like throwing pebbles into a bottomless pit of his needs. And there are only his needs. That is very very evident to me now. At the beginning he made huge gestures about my needs but really he was waiting for the day when he could reveal his total neediness and dump it all on me.    And of course I leapt at the chance to prove to him that I could give, give till I bled and had nothing left to give.  And he will always ask for me. He always has his hand out for more.  It is only now that I acknowledge I can't even begin to conceive of his needs because he certainly won't meet any of them and I am not going to anymore. I have tried and nearly broke myself trying. What's more if I am kind to him in any way his backlash is formidable.  If I do anything at all for him I'm punished for it totally.

So now I am off to work.  My friend who I lean on so much is gone for the weekend and I have to find other resources.  And some days are harder than others and this is one of them. I don't want to be idealistic about my plan b but I also sometimes think will I ever get through this to another side when I am not being absolutely suffocated with his poor me's day and night and day and night and day and night.

Maresie.