The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well my A b/f got one month taken off of his sentence today, which means he still has at least one more month left. He meanwhile was sure he was getting out today and wanted me to go to his court date. What makes matters extremely complicated for me is that I work where he goes to court. That is a whole other bag of worms, I don't want to think about right now. I had so much anxiety this morning. I felt physically ill. I knew I didn't want to go to his hearing and as it turned out, couldn't because of work coverage. In addition to everything else, I learned this morning that I need to get the sewer line to my house replaced, after paying for a repair that obviously didn't address the real problem anyway...ugh!
Needless to say, I have no peace and no serenity at the moment. I am on edge and trying soooooo hard not to let the little things at work get to me. In the midst of it all this morning, I started getting that desperate feeling of wanting to just come out of my skin, that I tend to get when I am on overwhelm mode. I went to my first post on MIP and reread the responses. It really helped me.
CJ wrote to stop and BREATH. What a smart guy...how did he know I was holding my breath:), again! I read through all of them and then read threw them again and again. I started to try and figure out how I felt about the court date. I knew I had guilt for not going and I couldn't stop myself from thinking about how horrible he must feel, not getting out today. I knew better than to get my daughter's hopes up, so she had no idea there was even a possibility that she may see him today. I think I had prepared myself for his release in some ways too and was disappointed that I am going to have to do that all over again. I guess in the end I don't really know how I feel.
It looks like he is going to be released right when I am scheduled to go on a cruise for my mother's 60th birthday. I was hoping to have some time between his release and that cruise, because I don't trust him living in my house when I am out of town and I wanted to give myself the time to break that news to him. I am physically calming down now, but it has left me feeling quite exhausted.
Thanks for reading. Hope everyone else is doing a better job of taking care of themselves then I have managed today.
Look around you dear..what have you got to be grateful for today? That always helps me. The things I have to be grateful for are far more numerous then the bothersome temporary things. And I always remember :this too shall pass...and it always does. Know that in time the problems of today will soon be a memory, if we don't "live" in them. Deal with what is necessary, then let them pass by. Energy flows where attention goes. I bet you'd feel much better if your energy was one of gratefulness :)
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Leetle, If I were you, and i was, I asked him to get his stuff, he didn't so I thru it away, gave it away.
In my experience, I would say, change the locks, box up alll his stuff, take it to his friends, family whatever.
Believe me, it is in fact helping him. He needs to be miserable to really want to be well. give him the dignity to figure out his own life.
I know it is not easy. but who needs the drama? Look at what it is doing to you hon. Your job, your mornings, your life. wow I would give about anything to just spend ten min. with my mother. YOu go have a great time, put him in hps hands.
I am not telling you what to do. i am supporting the decision.
Debilyn, I have packed his things up and changed the locks so many times and I just hate myself that I guilt myself in to getting back with him everytime. It is so hard for me to set boundaries with him, you would think with him in jail it would be easier, but somehow I have made it feel even harder...
I can relate very much to your post. The guilt sometimes over not doing more for the A is a killer. I have found this forum to be immensely helpful. I also find it helpful to at least once a day check in with people who I am entirely honest with.
I now have 2 in my life. That is so so key for me. My goal is to have 5 people for emotional support. I have people who don't tell me what to do but support me and care for me and empathise with what I have to do for the next 24 hours. I am so through being shoulda coulda woulda'd and shamed because I live with an alcoholic addict and am poor and resourceless. I know it is extremely hard work for find people like that but I have found it immensely helpful to have them. Finding one such person last November helped me through the really triggering months of Christmas and the hollidays.
I have certainly been there with the overwhelming anxiety issue. I think I was in "crisis" mode for a long time here. Gradually, super super gradually I got to planning a plan b. For me that is what I need to do to get away from the A. For other people it may be a way to live with them. I know for me ironically enough it is a way to live with him while I plan to leave.
The A I live with has had major health issues in the last few years. He expects me to take care of him, watch his back, step up. When I have been ill he has done none of those things for me. In fact on many levels he was actively cruel to me when I was ill. I remember that when I set limits. Is this relationship reciprocal? For me it isn't and I deserve reciprocity. So I set limits these days not because I am unfeeling but because this relationship is not a partnership by any means and I have rights too.
There is an excellent book which I have read some of on line called Getting them Sober that will illustrate for you some of the way the A thinks. I think another resource is Intervention which is on the A & E channel. You can see people there who are at the end of their rope and who learn how to speak to the alcoholic.
Many of us take back the alcoholic, you are certainly not the only one who does that or has done that so please don't feel shame about it. I think that is part of the codependent process in some ways. Setting huge limits like throwing someone out takes a long time for some of us. Other people do it and then deal with a backlash afterwards. None of this is easy and that is why it is so so key to get support for yourself and climb out of that isolation you are in if you can slowly and surely.
The A I live with is fond of doing a disappearing trick. He goes for 2 days, sits and feels even more sorry for himself, makes another huge mess and then returns saying he demands everything is his way. They know full well how to manipulate and make people around them feel guilty. They also know how to demand super human effort and not give much back in return. That is their disease it isn't personal to you or anyone else. That is how they think and act when they are alcoholic. Detaching from that dramarama has consumed me for a year or more but detach I do day in day out.
The A I live with is currently in withdraw mode. He sits around feels sorry for himself says he doesn't feel well and withdraws. He does not hold up to any of his responsibilities. Before I would cajole, obsess and worry about this. Nowadays I don't. I just let him do it. I don't endorse it or worry about it anymore because believe me he certainly never worries about me or my emotional or financial wellbeing when he is in total self absorption. I can't say I enjoy it or like it but I don't try to "fix" him anymore. I also don't feel guilty about making plans to get on with my own life. I have had 7 years of this and I don't need 7 more.
I have felt tremendously responsible for the a's welfare, finances and health for the last 7 years. I don't anymore he is a grown man and he has to learn to take care of himself. I have made myself ill taking care of him before me but in his alcoholic thinking he still expects me to kill myself to take care of him first and foremost 24/7. I no longer jump up to that expectation. I take care of me and take care of my program. I take care of my side of the street as best I can. I leave his side to him whatever state it is in he can deal with it. I'm not.
Many of us have been there with the overwhelming anxiety and guilt that you have. I certainly have and was there on and off for months then I started to use the tools and things changed a great deal for me. I was in that panic state of overwhelming dread for many many months. This board helped me tremendously to move out of that. I still have bad days when I'll get into arguing or obsessing about the A they are few and far between now.
I am by far not out of the woods yet. I am in plan b. My plan is stalled at the moment for financial issues. I am not living in serenity by any means, I may not have that for a long while. At the same time I am not in panic, I am not in obsession and I am not in the kind of pain I was in a year ago.
I hope you choose to make this place a home. For me it is such a great resource. I do not always have the access to it I might like but it is such a great tool and a phenomenal place to learn.
You are not alone friend. Great job posting. I hope this helps you, not sure if you've seen it before. Print it out and keep it somewhere where every day you are reminded that your HP wants the very best for you and your little girl.
Maria
Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn't listen. They couldn't see it; they couldn't believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing, and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between those on the other side and us. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another's time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty. I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I'm meant to be.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
If you are worried about telling him he can't stay at your place while he is away,and then just hopping on a plane, then you could maybe write to him about it, while he is still in jail.That would give him some time to get used to the idea, and set up somewhere else to go when he gets out. You are still keeping your boundary and caring for yourself, while not springing something difficult on him at the last minute - respectful of both of you. Enjoy your trip with your mom - I am another one who would love to be going away with my mom. It's a blessing to be counted.
I am looking forward to the cruise. I will be with my siblings, nephew, mother and step father. I have every intention of enjoying myself and enjoying my company. Thank you all for your support and great suggestions.
I did speak to my b/f yesterday. I didn't get the courage up to tell him that I don't think we should live together. I did tell him about the plumbing, which is going to be a major repair. He kept saying how he wished he was out. I told him I didn't know how that would help and he said that he would help some how. I was annoyed and asked how? In my head I was thinking all I can think of is more money out of my pocket to feed him. He can get his last paycheck when he gets out, so he offered that.
I told him that I would deal with this and that I needed him to take care of his own situation. i.e. getting his car registered and his license, because I don't feel comfortable with him driving my car. It was all I had and I needed something reliable to get back and forth to work (my only means of supporting myself and my daughter). He asked me what I thought would happen with him driving my car. I told him, I don't need any tickets on it, towing charges, using up the gas, etc, etc.
Anyway, I plan to write down all the reasons I don't trust him and then write out what I want to say. I hope the next time we speak I will at minimum, just read what I want to say and when he asks, "Why?", I will have my list of reasons.
