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I haven't been around in quite a while. I pop in and read some, but I haven't done much else.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out what my HP wants of me, because following is just getting so confusing.
My AH is out again. He has graduated from just making me feel horrible to balming our children. His latest victim is our 9 year old son. Our son is angry because Daddy lies and drinks and breaks promises and whenever he speaks to my husband my husband twists and turns and puts the blame on him just as he has done to me and our older kids. This little guy won't take it though. AH is back at his Mothers and my sons has made it clear that as long as he is drinking and lying he wants nothing to do with him. He told hif he is drinking and hanging out with Nana, he does not feel he has a Father. He told her he hated her and wishes she would go away. Not pretty. I've just been sitting back. My AH is angry and doesn't call any of us. So life is peaceful, for now. Here is where life gets confusing. A few weeks ago I went out to dinner with a girlfriend. We ran into another mutual friend who is close to someone I was involved with many years ago before I was married. Out of the blue he called. I have to admitt I was pleasantly suprised and really enjoyed talking to him. He was always kind, treated me like a princess and we had a lot of fun together. He is still kind and still treats me so well. We talk, he doesn't call me names. We laugh and I don't cry. He doesn't put me down, in fact I'm not used to being treated so well. We went and had coffee a few times and then dinner. I feel so guilty. I am developing feelings for him, and I know it's wrong. I love my husband, but in the past feww weeks I have not even given him a thought. I've been having fun and I have been happy. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me it is ok. I'm writing this more for me than anything. I have not done anything wrong as of now and my wonderful old friend keeps telling me that my husband broke our vows yeard ago, that he never forsaked others for me, he put all in front of me. Maybe what I have always feared is happening. That I will no longer care. Thanks for listening. Love Jeannie
Maybe more than anything you needed to be validated as a lady, treated with class. Often times, at least for me, whenever I felt as if I was being validated this way I felt as if I was being a slut. I felt so guilty and dirty and ugly. And I wasn't doing anything wrong per se. I was doing my own thing. I also know that the family disease costs us a significant amount of dignity and self pride. Maybe you feel guilty that someone other than your husband is giving it to you. After all, in the ideal setting your husband would be the one telling you how pretty you are, how smart you are, how wonderful you and how sexy you are. In light of how that's not happening, you've come to al anon to find those validations of self esteem, and learned that they were safe and loving, no strings attached. Now you're getting them from someone who just happens to be male. Just something I thought of. Take what you like and leave the rest of course.
Nice to see your post. Glad you are taking good care of you.
Many many before you and many many after you will be in your shoes regarding your friend. It's always so complicated. I can only tell you from my experience that it truly is best to be out of one relationship before you get back into another. Again only my esh. Your husband is one thing, but say you change your mind about your husband and a miracle happens, then another person who had "hopes" even when nothing physical happens will be left in the dust too. Also, it's so good if you decide to get out of your marriage permanently to do it with no one in the wings so to speak. Because of course, blame gets put where it really doesn't belong "on the other man."
The bottom line for me has always been this: If husband or wife treated the other like a king / queen, there never would be "another person" in someone else's marriage.
walking side by side with you in recovery friend, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Obviously you do not want to do something that you feel is wrong. However, sometimes things like this are a good wake up call - they allow us to get in touch with legitimate wants and needs that have not been met in our present lives.
If you were in a 'normal' marriage, with a 'normal' man, this would be a sign that it's time to work on the marriage, and make sure it is giving you what you need. However, an alcoholic marriage is a little different, as we all know. This could, though, be a chance to look squarely and realistically at your life. Staying married to and involved with your husband could very well mean that you will NEVER get loving affection from a man, in any reliable way. Are you willing to live the rest of your life like that? Only you know the answer to that, but it is a question that a person should ask herself, rather than looking back from the age of 80 with sad regret. You want to know that you made your choices because they were right for you, not because you were afraid to ask the question.
Most of us, whether we have left or whether we have stayed, went into our marriages with hopes, and took our vows seriously. Very few of us bailed at the first sign of trouble, in fact we are mostly in the trouble we're in because we put up with TOO much, held on way past the point of sanity. Every now and then, though, I think we need to take an honest look at those vows, and see if the price was really too high.
I agree with Maria, if you do want to start a new relationship, you want to do it with a whole heart, and as clean a conscience as you can. You finish one before starting another, for everyone's sake.
Jeannie I have known you here at mip for so many years. I have seen you grow into such a wonderful woman who has built her own foundation.
I am proud of how you have raised your kids and you have kept your integrity.
Seems like I remember he did cheat on you but I may be wrong?
I look at you in my heart and think, Jeannie take one day at a time. Enjoy this new person in your life, he is not there by accident.
We need a mate in our life. This man may grow into that and he may not. I trust you to make good decisions.
Jeannie I have been alone so long married to my A. Here he is living with another woman and i have no idea if I am free to remarry.
He most likely has not slept with her.
I pray I do meet someone nice someday that I feel I can let go of the A and give him my heart. I do my best to be ok alone and am. But I know what it was like to be loved and to love and share the same space. Enjoyed it so much.
Put it all in hp's hands. Do what you know is right.
I am so sad for your son. I taught kids who would come to school and tell me about this kinda stuff. Some kids would tell others and everyone would know and be so kind to them. It was amazing.
You would be shocked if you knew how much kids tell. they need to.
anyway big hugs to you honey, keep us updated. I miss hearing from you. How old is your youngest now?? love,debilyn
Well I can very much relate. A lot of my grief is the A is not anything like a partner. At one time he was. At one time he was "there". This person is not "there" anymore. He is totally suffused in self pity 24/7. He is not drinking right now because of some medication he's taking nevertheless either he's totally shut down or totally angry. There is no inbetween.
So I can totally understand your wanting a partner. I have not had one for 5 years plus.
I want one I deserve one. I work really hard the A doesn't. The A makes a huge mess of everything he touches and expects me to hand out for ever and then some. That is not a partner that is a big mess. I don't blame you for not missing him who needs chaos 24/7. I am glad that Al anon has helped you. I set goals each day and try to meet them. I cannot wait to be out of plan b somedays and other days are not so bad.
Jeannie, I won't tell you it's ok. How about if I simply say, "YAY YAY YAY!!! Enjoy this person in your life. Have a good time. Laugh! Play! Be happy. Guilt? What's that? Go for it girl! Life's too short to pass up what is good."
Best wishes, Diva
Pssssst... Bad, bad Bill is coming back to San Antonio next week. Am I going to miss a minute of his glorious company? NO!!!
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
