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I just can't do this anymore. I'm packing my bags and going back to my hometown on Friday. I just can't keep living this way....which is not living at all to me. My AH is a good man when not drinking, but he drinks every day and I cannot depend on him to follow through on anything he says to me, sober or drinking.
I'm going back to my hometown where I did have a life with my children and grandchildren, etc. I'm tired of being lonely and alone in a marriage where only one of us is participating. I told my AH that I'm not going to continue to get help if he won't get help too for his drinking problem. We haven't even been married two years and I'm tired of it being a marriage in name only. He may have a disease but it's spreading fast to me too.....and I just don't want any part of it anymore.
Think of it this way: Moving out does not mean you're filing for divorce. It does not mean you're calling an atty. It means you're calling a temporary quits. It means you're filing an armistice. It means you need time and space to think. It does not mean you are a bad person. It does not mean you are a bad wife. It does not mean you did not take your vows seriously. It means you cannot function as a loving human being in this capacity. Remember what I always say: I have NEVER heard a lead where an AA says "when she let me back in, I realized how much of an a** I was." I CANNOT COUNT how many leads that go, "When she threw me out, I realized how much of an a** I was, and that she was serious about me getting sober, and that if I didn't do something about my drinking, I was in big trouble." If you can't help'em up, help'em down.
Only you can know if this is the right thing for you to do or not, and it sounds like you know that.... I'd just encourage you to "say what you mean, and mean what you say"..... He will no doubt try to "win you back", likely by promising (words) to do something different, but without any strong commitment aside from words.... If you are leaving, it's likely an appropriate time to figure out what things would have to look like, for you to allow the two of you to be together again.... ie. he is working a committed program of recovery for "x" months.... If you don't do this, he'll be able to play on your emotions, and drag you back without really changing anything.
Just my two cents. Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I definitely mean what I'm saying. And he's going to have a hard time "winning" me back from four states away without some serious changing on his part. Words aren't going to do it for me, that's all he's been giving me since I got here, and it's going to take action on his part to back up those words now.
I'm going to be 56 years old on Sunday.....and whatever time I have left on this earth is not going to be spend on a one way relationship. It's not what I was promised and it's not what I'm going to settle for. In a way I'm lucky because both my children and his children are grown and living their own lives. I'm the only one here who it seems doesn't have any life anymore....but I'm going to AL-Anon and CoDA meetings and I'm going to build a good life with or without him in it. If he doesn't want to fight this disease and get well....that's his decision, but my decision is that I'm not going down with this sinking ship!!
Sounds like you have decided to give yourself a wonderful birthday gift. The time and space to focus on you...disentangling from unhealthy relationships...taking care of yourself! I know it is easier said then done, but I wish you all the best on your journey home. You deserve to blossom once again!!
I truly understand your decision Wilted. You GO, and enjoy the life that is waiting for you. It's all too short to waste it on anything that makes you miserable. I send best wishes, and good luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can understand your decision wilted. Take care of you. The A's will take care of themselves. Happy Birthday on Sunday. Spend it with a wonderful person. YOU lilms
-- Edited by lilms at 17:54, 2007-02-21
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
no one can tell you if you are doing the right thing or not......only you know the answer to that question. From the reasons you posted for why you made your decision to leave, it sounds like you have given this some serious and rational thought, that you did not make this a quick decision based on a reaction.
I agree that life is too short to be miserable. We have to do what we need for ourselves, to be happy and peaceful. You have my thoughts and best wishes for the new life that lays waiting for you.
When I was in a position similar to yours I left too. I had to. It was a terrible time. Anyway now I live by myself, and there is great peace and quiet. I did struggle with being alone in the beginning. But it gets better. I realised, with the help of these pages, that I was feeling lonley because I was now out of the chaos. I no longer had to deal with his daily dilemmas. I had a smooth running life. I started to do things I enjoy, and meet new people. Now its a lot better.
He carried on drinking and living to the extreme. I moved away so I don't see him. He phones me sometimes, a lot less now though. He says he's sober and going to meetings. I hope he is, but y'know I now realise its not my problem/concern anymore. I've always believed theA will get sober if he really wants to....with or without us. My bitterness and resentment towards him is something I am now dealing with for myself. I'm getting there! I think I'm a nicer person now since the madness of living with an active disease is gone from my life. Because I no longer live with the drinking, I can see a bit more clearly. As I continue to follow my programme I am getting healthier.
Tiger is wise as ever. She has helped me a lot to where I am. You would do very well to listen to her words.
I wish you well in whatever path you chose to take. Yours in recovery, AM
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement...every one of them is greatly appreciated!
It will be wonderful to be back among my healthly loved ones again....especially my grandchildren who bring such love and joy to my heart. Right now I could use some refilling of my heart and they are the perfect ones to do this.
I'm looking on this whole thing as an adventure. There are so many things about myself that I do not know because I have spent practically my whole life taking care of others and this time to myself....gives me the time to explore me for a change. There is so much of me waiting to be discovered by myself.....it's going to be exciting just to uncover long put aside dreams and hopes once again.
I told my AH last night that I won't be shortchanged any longer, that I deserve better than that from him and for myself. And I do. He may have a disease, but he has to want to get well before any healing can begin for him. As for me, I don't want to be ill anymore from his disease....I want to be well for there is a whole life out there I haven't lived yet.
I don't want to be Wilted anymore.....my name is going to Babsinbloom from this day forth!
Wilted wrote: I don't want to be Wilted anymore.....my name is going to Babsinbloom from this day forth!
Babsinbloom
Well most people go out and get a new wardrobe, haircut, something different when they seperate from their spouse, but you've gone on to get a new 'nickname' too! Good for you Babs! Babsinbloom.....suits you much better than wilted. Take care
