The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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hi all i know i have not been posting much and i miss you all the times i am here and respond and read have continued to help me on my healing path i have so many thing to share in a day...so many questions... but i don't come here and start a topic. partly because my boyfriend is home a lot and i don't have much privacy and partly because i am trying to live life outside my home and not spend too much time on the computer.
but i really think i am not posting because i am ashamed that i am still with my A boyfriend...he is sober and working his program well...but i had asked for boundaries,,ie more space for me, and...he did not honor them...no place of his own and no job to get him out of here a bit...i feel like i backed down, didn't stand up for me. i am happy to be in a relationship with him and i love the belssings he brings to my life...but he got out of rehab and i don't feel good about what i have asked for and not gotten and for some strange reason i feel ashamed of that.
just wanted to let you all know where i was at and that i am going to try and start bringing more of myself here because it has helped so much in the past. love fifi
Ashamed? My first thought was, we can make boundaries, but I suppose we have to have consequences when they are not validated. uno?
I would say, in order for me to be happy, this has to happen. If it doesn't then I will have to ask you to leave. It isn't I don't love you or want to see you. It is about me. I need space. Then be specific. I need you to be out of here by......
These are only my thoughts. I know with A's ya have to be very specific as they will take it as manipulation or ultimatums and will fight it. Or challege it. But if you are saying only what you want for YOU, it is different. But to say in order for me to be happy this has to happen sounds like you are in control of your own life.
Am I making sense? Hey at first, when I was learning to detach and not respond to the A's disease yakking bologna, I would respond THEN remember I planned NOT to respond... geez
lol took me awhile to hear it start and say ok I know who is talking now. goodnight,,,,
Hey it is allll learning the skills and putting them to use. It takes practice. do not be hard on you. Look how much progress you have made!
I am so glad to have ya back. I have been offline for awhile. I sure missed being here. Please please share. That is how we cont. to grow.
love,debilyn
I know if I was around my A I would blow it all the time.
Do not be hard on yourself. Be good to you. You are a very precious person.
Please don't feel ashamed--you have no reason to be!! You don't have to do anything for anyone else but yourself and you don't have to abide by anyone else's timetable. You have to do what is right for you, when it is right for you--this is hard stuff that we are all working through!!
Please don't isolate--it is a sure-fire way to take a step backwards instead of moving forwards and it sounds to me like you are doing that. Remember that it's progress NOT perfection and baby steps are all it takes!! Hang in there and take it one day at a time.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
"but i had asked for boundaries,,ie more space for me, and...he did not honor them...no place of his own and no job to get him out of here a bit...i feel like i baked down, didn't stand up for me. i am happy to be in a rlationship wit him and i love the belssings he brings to my life...but he got out of rehab and i don't feel good about what i have asked for and not gotten and for some strange reason i feel ashamed of that." -Fifi
I understand & relate well to what u posted - man I've been there, w/ my ex & my folks. Defining boundaries for ones' self is a lot more difficult than we realize ~ considering the future & if we even get what we ask for is 'a thing in itself' but knowing what we want & what's good for us can take a lot of self exploration. It is important that we set boundaries & stick to them - that's why most ppl will tell u to start out small w/ boundaries... it's just as important that we stick to what we say & that is usually a test for us too.
You are not alone. I don't write a whole lot anymore either, funny how growth goes in waves. I always say it's as hard for us as it is them, sometimes even muddier.
Taking on the shame of my loved ones, was never a true part of me, just a thing I took on habitually (naturally) & had to learn how to release over time & it gets easier w/ practise.
I took great comfort in knowing & emailing ppl individually - wtvr works for you - just remember it is all growth, a part of life, & in Al-Anon wso many of us are in the exact same boat. Keep writing & reaching out.
From my own experience I can emphaticallly say to never underestimate the power of LG, LG - let go, let God, it seems so difficult at first but letting go is such a relief. It is akin to forgiveness, u have to let go (forgive) in layers @ sometimes! Like an onion, another layer underneath. Letting go allows us to lead our own lives, focus on & value ourselves (if we don't no one will).
Your personal boundaries are important, make sure u can enforce what u say & it's important to you.
love, a friend in recovery, -K
-- Edited by kitty at 02:27, 2007-02-21
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You can remember too that it is a learning process - sometimes we can set a boundary at the wrong place (for us) and only find that out later. It's almost impossible to tell if that uncomfortable feeling comes from out being unaccustomed to standing up for ourselves, or if it comes from the boundary being inappropriate. This is why baby steps tend to work well - if you go wrong it's only a little wrong, and easy to make adjustments.
At any rate, the only person you really need to please is yourself - there is no alanon police, rapping your knuckles when you get it wrong. I know that I have to make the same mistake over and over before I "get it".
I get that shameful feeling too when my A son does not adhere to my boundaries and I fail to enforce it.
Most recently what has happened is this...I have a guest house which my son lived in when he first separated from his wife. He now lives with another girl. I have told him in the past that he could come back there and live when he got his life straightened out...ie...in a recovery program and sober. Well, he is not there yet.
Before Christmas a friend of mine left her husband and needed a place to stay. I offered her the apartment I have and she loves it there. I thought it was going to be a short term thing but it could be long term. Son is not happy that the place will not be available to him when he wants it. I think HP has put all this together so that I did not have to go back on my boundary setting with my son. Plus...this friend has been a very good influence in my life. She attends church with me and we do things together. She would like to start going to some Alanon meetings too. I am just happy to have her in my life and I think it is a lot better than having the A son live so close.
So...some things just happen so it is impossible to not keep your boundaries in place.
I have to look at expectations. Right now I am in a stuck part on plan b. I am stuck on the part of raising enough finances. I am therefore working more on self care.
I think to expect an A to get boundaries right away might be setting yourself up. Sometimes we have to reinforce them over and over. I also have the issue with the A being around all the time. Today I had a day off. The A was around the house all day, offered to mow the lawn then didn't. I used to sit in a cesspit of resentment over it. Now I just remind myself I am cleaning the house for me, not for him. I expect very little of him. I expect him to keep up his share of the bills that is about it. I'd like help with the chores, like mowing the lawn but I don't expect him to come through on my timetable. He never has yet.
So I would remind you that although this man is in recovery it doesn't come overnight. I have my own charactor defects they dont' necessarily change overnight. Some of mine are about self care so its important for me to keep the focus on me and keep my own goals.
We live in a delicate balance with an A. I am really angry at some of the things the A does, like get speeding tickets at least twice a year. I am also mad that he doesn't help more.
I monitor my resentments pretty carefully. For me shame is associated with the past. I became totally suffused in shame around my needs as a result of a childhood that was rife with abandonment, pain and abuse.
