The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
WHY? why is it all about them [alcoholics] or should i ask, why do we let it be all about them? i know they are sick. but, that isn't an excuse to ''do unto others what they would never do unto themselves''. when i was a girl, i and two of my sisters was molested by a sunday school teacher . oh yes, he was a sick man. charges were never laid. [i saw my father cry that day] was this man's sickness an excuse to hurt children? i have an uncle who is diagnosed with bi polar. he uses that as his excuse to inappropriatly touch his young female students. no charges, he was moved to teach in another town. years ago, i was in a relationship where a violent alcoholic nearly killed me. again, no charges, just a warning from people who loved me. MOVE AWAY and HIDE!! twenty seven years later, i still occassionaly wonder....., will he find me? and, presently i am a married to a man who's disease has progressed to the point where at times he smells so bad, i cannot be in the same room with him. yesterday, i tried something different....., i looked at him and said without emotion, ''you stink,being in the same room with you is unbearable, i cannot believe my life has been reduced to this.'' as i turned to ''calmly'' [ and i was so calm] leave the room, i saw him nod in agreement. the next thing he did was get up, bath, dress, go to town, do groceries and visit our daughter and baby. he came home remarkably serene, brought the groceries in, lit a fire in the wood stove and quietly waited while i prepared supper. all this from a man who has for many years with held '' things from me to punish me'', he held back: money......, when he realised i could make my own, depriving me of that didn't work anymore, wood for heat in the winter......., he would leave enough just so i wouldn't freeze to death, when he realised i could get my own, depriving me of that didn't work anymore, sex, when he realised......, it wasn't that important to me, depriving me of that didn't work anymore. the list goes on and on, you get my point. but, now this hygene thing. when he realised through my calm demeaner, i may not be able to wash him, but, i could take care of myself, he got up off the couch [which smelled horribly of him] and , he cleaned himself up. so, i was wondering, why.........., do i have to be polite and understanding to people who molest children, beat women and play headgames with their wives........., all becuase they are sick ??? you see, i have been diagnosed with a mental illness too. i have worked very very hard to overcome the effect of this ongiong disease. sometimes i am so scared, i do what i need to take of me. i do not nor have i ever thought of molesting a child, beating someone or not washing, because it would bother the person i live with. so again, i would like to say, i was wondering, why do we take from them, what we would not do ourselves? in alanon, i sometimes get the feeling that i am supposed to work on myself because it is all about them. NOT for me thank you. it is all about me, and, if honestly telling him he smell's bad, or, that i will call the cops if you drink and drive, or, just for today, i don't like you. so be it.
uhhh, i think this is what some of you call venting.
Things that happen in my life, I would think how can they get off with just nothing. How can ppl feel sorry for THEM????????? Not that i wanted them to feel sorry for me, only wanted "a no this is not right and you cant do this anymore"
Why are people afraid to stand up to "THEM" (them being abusers of any kind.)
My parents were violent alcoholics, I didnt live in a secluded building 80 people lived in the builidng i was raised, They all knew i was being abused and still talked to me anyway but averted their eyes in shame they still do today as im back in this apartment. I used to think they couldnt hear us at all, because i never even thought that if they could hear they wouldnt do anything it never crossed my mind. As i got older i found out they did. I get stumped to this day. That this building allowed my parents to beat me nightly and stood by and just listened. Its not something i could ever do.
Ya my parents were sick, ya they have a disease, however thier choices still count in my opinion. When i do wrong like yell at my kids, which i have been better this year but i still do it. I know exactly that im yelling and shouldnt be doing it and do it anyway. It still is a choice for me good or bad learnt it from past or not. I know what i do is wrong. I could use the excuse i learnt it from my parents who raised me this way and it is true to a point however not once i know its wrong.
I need to take care of me even though others will not. Sometimes, like the ppl here in this building , its just not worth the fight. I havent a clue why abusers are treated like glass. I really do hope that changes in the future. I think tough love would work better. maybe not
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
You have read my posts. You know I buy--to some extent--the "sick" idea. But you also know I believe completely in accountability. It is one thing if someone is so mentally ill they roll in their own feces and urine. That is a sign of mental deterioration. It is completely other when someone is mentally stable enough to calculate "If I do X....Y will happen..." That is a sign of mental stability and manipulation. You know how I feel. "Sick" is an adjetive. Not a verb. I know that. I live that. I believe that.
hi dear jewely thanks for your post...never minimize your words or experiences...your vent is as real as anothers doctoral thesis! your words and experiences are so valued here. what is done in the name of disease is so difficult for me to put my own head around... my boyfriend has a list so long...addiction is just the tip of the iceburg. i know that as a codependant person, it is so important for me not to be reactive - but to focus on myself and act calmy from there. soooo hard to do when in my face is such disruptive disfunction....i find it so hard to maintain myself through his roller coaster rides. it often feels like it is always about him, to me, too. and i don't like it either. and i don't like how hard it is for me to do anything but react. i guess that is what i do best...react...and being with someone who constantly gives me something to react to...ugh. i feel like i am showing how much i need to work this program with my words. because i know that this recovery of our is not about them...it is about us...but i think i am unaware of how much i still give myself over to his reality....how much do i compromise(too much) how much do i give (still too much) how much do i put his needs first, because they are so much bigger than mine - lol! - (too much!!!)
i guess the more we can remember and pat ourselves on the back for our courage to change ourselves, the better we can all get through this.
my prayers to you and the hurt you describe in your life, may it be healed, love, fifi
i realized something today after i posted this message. one, how much i truly love you people. two, for the first time ever it was okay for me to say........, sick does not make it right, and, three, after the incident as a child with the sunday school teacher, even the police man and the church people said it was okay to let men hurt me. that set up a pattern of abuse for my whole life. until today. i realize i have allowed myself to be abused. i didn't know it. now i do, and, it is on to steps5-9. wow !! what a celestial relief, now that i know why, i can deal with the how. it is so peculiar to me that this has been revealed to me today. tomorrow is my 47 th birthday, i feel like i am about to recieve a divine gift. the freedom to know thyself]
''this above all; to thine own self be true.'' william shakespeare
Dearest Kerry: I cannot say why people did nothing when you desperately needed help. I've been working the Al-Anon program for over 22 years, and it changed my life. I married or had serious relationships with several alcoholics and had a daughter who became a drug addict at the age of 13. My daughter is now clean and sober and I find myself married to the most unassuming sweet man who is not an alcoholic nor a drug addict. I was very uncomfortable with him when I first met him. I didn't believe that I deserved such a person in my life. I made a choice that was uncomfortable for me. I worked as a teaching assistant teaching English as a second language in Oregon-I reported a child abuse case and the child knew that I was the one who reported it. She confronted me and she screamed at me and I cried and she cried. I made an uncomfortable choice-but it was the right choice for her and for me and she came back to me later and thanked me. I commited my daughter to a 4 month treatment facility and she screamed and yelled at me and (I'd had 9 years in Al-Anon by that time Thank God) I calmly told her that I was driving over 2 hours to come and see her and 2 hours back and I didn't intend to put up with her verbal abuse and wouldn't be back until she stopped the behavior. I made an uncomfortable choice. She has never yelled at me since. We have a phenomenal relationship. She's now 28 years old and lives in Great Britian and has a great job and a great marriage.
I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused as a child. I left home at the age of 16. A tough choice, but I made it. It was so difficult, I had no physical, monitary, emotional resources to deal with a world and I had a baby in tow. I've been beaten, nearly killed, walked in on my oldest daughter being sexually molested----need I go on? I still live with the pain of not protecting my daughters (2 were actually being molested) eventhough I didn't know until I walked in that night on that scene. I've made amends and done what I could and can do. My second daughter still suffers, she's 38, just got back from Iraq where she was once again sexually harassed and nearly raped by our own men over there-a woman serving in the Armed Forces not being protected.
I've learned that I cannot see things terribly clearly in the present. My Higher Power gives me answers after I'm past the experience when I "Get It" the "Ah Ha!!!" I've now learned that the space of time between the happening of the event and the time I get the "Ah Ha" is a time of grace. A time of prayer. A time for the 11th step-sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understand Him/Her, praying only for knowledge of His/Her will for ME (not anyone else) and the power to carry that out. The prayer is asking the question and the meditation is the listening for the answer. Now listening means having the ability to get quiet---I know it's scary---but I cannot hear God if the TV is blaring constantly or I am listening to music to keep myself from hearing. And I'm not deriding TV or music. I love them both in moderation. Now-sometimes my answer comes out of the mouth of a newcomer at a meeting, sometimes it will be while I'm in the shower and I'm alone with my thoughts-daydreaming in a way-not particularly thinking about anything that I'm aware of. Even my dog has taught me a lot about her boundaries and how she lovingly takes care of herself. So I do not discount a messenger of God in any description.
But it is ALL about ME-but not in a self centered way. God gave me this life-God did not make me an appendage to my husband, children or anyone else. I am responsible for me and I am responsible for getting my needs met. That means a balance of play, work, food, love...etc. There is not a thing in the world wrong with praying to have a lesson delivered in an easy way.
And if I am really vexed about someone or something that has been done to me-I pray for that person at least once a day. The more I don't want to-the more important it is that I perform this spiritual practice. I don't care how pernicious the activity of the offender-the more reason to pray for them. Not as a superior person looking down on them-I take care to stay out of that trap. If I cannot say anything else, I pray that God gives them what it is that they need. That's fair in any case because they may need a swift kick in the posterior in my opinion-but I get to leave that up to God who is totally in charge of knowing what someone, including myself needs.
Many apologies for this being so long winded. I hear the pain and I would hug you (if you're huggable) if I could. I have great compassion for you. I hear you and for this reason, I tell you a bit of my story and what has worked for me.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer last week-and you know-it's the strangest thing-at the core of me, I'm not terrified out of my mind like I imagined I would be. I have a sense of calm and I know that I will be taken care of in whatever way is right. I love deeply, more deeply that I could ever imagine I ever would have-and I certainly wear my nicest and favorite clothes and earrings, I look my best because it makes me feel good. My Love to You and to All Who Read This Be Peace
(((((((jeri)))))))) hugs Thank you for sharing with me your life. I dont let it bother me so much anymore i was kind of thinking out loud along with jewley, i know its thier stuff those people not mine and the looks, i just walk by today. I am so very glad you cared enough to help that girl and your daughter they will never ever forget that. Very sorry to hear about the cancer, you sound very serene i hope to achieve that one day :) Thank you
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
((((JEWELY))) My AH has some hygene issues too. I am actually embaressed to be seen with him at times, then I feel guilty about feeling embarassed. I have tried to talk about this.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
