(((Rainy)))

I think Codependency has a lucid meaning since it was coined out of psychobabble anyway, but a very real theory indeed.  In my opinion I am codependent because I have allowed myself to do things that I really didn't want to do just for the sake of either keeping someone in my life, avoiding an argument, fear of that person becoming angry and leaving me.  I am Codependent because I have allowed my A's and other's moods, feelings, and opinions to guide my moods, feelings, and opinions in any given day or situation.  If I felt something different it was difficult for me to express that in words.  My anger and emotions came out sideways because I was afraid to express my true feelings. 
Living with A'ism brought about my Codependency full force, and yes I was codependent before I ever got involved with my A.  I allowed myself to become a martyr, I raged and got angry when I would give and give and give and that person still did not love me. 

I know now that my feelings count, my thoughts, my actions, my needs and desires.  I am learning to communicate my boundaries and enforce them... didn't have very good boundaries before.  I'm able to feel good about who I am and realize that the people that didn't love me back then really didn't have the emotional capability to love me, and most of all I didn't love myself.  So, are you codependent?  Don't know you will have to come to that determination on your own, but adapting to dysfunctional behavior and normalizing it for any reason, is a sign that you are not being true to you.  Hope you get good ESH on this topic.

Peace,
Twinmom~

 When someone first challenged me to look at my co-dependency, my first action was a re/action. How dare you, I screeched; I may be many things but dependent on another individual, especially as toxic as my parents is not one of them.
 But then she reframed it.
 Looking at the patterns that emerge from the relationship with my parents, and with other, emotionally unstable and needy individuals, key things emerge: 
  Desire to save and be saved (aka manipulation): having never had any sort of a guardian for myself in my life, I have always felt it my duty to guard those that I percieve as helpless. Anytime I sense that someone is defenseless, helpless, or in need of intervention, I put myself at risk and attempt to save that person, sometimes from themselves, always at a personal cost of my own dignity and self esteem. Furthermore, whenever I engage in these behaviors, I do it without permission of the individual (which is to say, this individual may not have wanted to be saved, or be saved  by me) I engage in these behaviors knowing my past and to my own detriment (leading to the DAMMIT! I did it again feelings), and I lastly engage in these behaviors with what is known in the law as willful disreguard: I know how you feel, I know what you want (or, alternatively, don't), and I do it anyway. YO! That's a big'un!
 Desire to gain public credit when it is not due to me, while simultaneously refusing to give myself any along the way (aka martyrdom): Because I feel a need to be acknowledged, accepted, and, if nothing else, attended to, I will go to extreme lengths to be given attention. Using the above behavior (saving others at the extent to myself) I will engage in over active behaviors and over committing behaviors to gain attention. I over commit myself to activities, and then whine about how tired I am--but only to a select few people, and then I brush off their suggestions that I pick selectly my activities to involve myself in, so I don't exhaust myself in the future. I involve myself in activities I'm really not interested in, but promise public appeal, to gain a future where I will be given public attention--again, I brush off the suggestion of a few well meaning (and honestly loving) friends that this school of popularity comes at a high price. After all, do I really want to hang around people who gossip, back stab and spread rumors to climb the ladder? But again, my desire of recognition is so high, I fight with myself over my values--how much DO I value my friends? And how much DO I value my self esteem? And how much ARE they worth--especially if EVERYONE knows my name? D'OH! Further, when credit is NOT given, rather than honestly assesing the situation (IS there any credit that I am due? How so? In what ways?) I resent others for not having the insight to simply give it to me (how dare they not notice my greatness!) and I shame myself for not having the spine to toot my own horn (we wouldn't want to be arrogant or egotistic, would we?)
 The desire to be accepted by all peoples and to sacrifice it all to be all things to all peoples (aka people pleasing):  there's a reason my biggest three character defects (I personally call them dysfunctions) nicely form a triangle: they feed off eachother. Whenever I can't save you, I dramatically and figuratively throw my hands in the air and say how I tried to show you the err of your ways, tried to save you from yourself, tried, tried, tried. But when you come along and show ME that you were competent ALL ALONG, I become sore. I can't bear the thought of being wrong! So I try to "make nice," "play well," and give you SO MUCH CREDIT, it's stifling. It's as if I've affixed my lips to your behind, and am attempting to to show you how absolutely GENIUS you are--and how stupid I am!  Admitting my err would be so much EASIER, but doesn't bloating you with complements make you feel SO MUCH BETTER? And after all, doesn't it achieve my goal all along--you DID forget that I treated you like crap, right?
 I hope by sharing some of my own short comings, Jaimie, you can see better how my own codependency works in my world and effects how I look at my life. Now that I am aware of some of my dysfunctions, I am accountable for them. Because I understand I am manipulative, a martyr, a people pleaser, I work hard to change these parts of myself. For example, by working on my self esteem, I don't need to manipulate you to feel good about me.
 

I guess the definition of codependent is helpful when trying to figure out if you are codependent and this is what is written in Codependent No More.........

Codependency is a pattern of detrimental, behavioral interactions within a dysfunctional relationship. "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior" (Beattie, M., Codependent No More).

So anyone can be codependent, it is not just applied to people dealing with an alcoholic or addict. Just the same....not everyone dealing with an A or addict is necessarily codependent.

There are also some questions to ask yourself..........

Do you find yourself making decisions based on other people's opinions?

Is it important to you that people like you and want to be your friend?

Do you have a strong desire to help others, but deep down you know you do it so that they will like or love you?

Do you seem to notice everyone else's problems and have a need to tell them what you think they should do to solve them?

Do you feel anxious, angry or upset when people don't do things you want them to do, or do things the way you want them to do them?

Do you find yourself in relationships where you do all the giving and the other person does all the taking?

Are you involved in activities that demand all of your time and energy and you are neglecting your family or yourself?  (http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/what-is-codependency-faq.htm)


Andi

 

I'm definately affected by the people pleasing gene. WHen I was in grade school I used to skip lunch and spend the money on gum, then selflessly (?) give pieces to anyone who asked. I grew up never being able to say no to anyone. When I first married the A I would try so hard to make him happy and I never could. It was a horrible feeling, like I just wanted to die.
In fact, when I met my A, he was a little grouchy and I felt this irrisistable urge to charm him.
I did, just not forever.

examples of co-dependency that I have done or 'someone I know' has done

1.  Count the number of beer cans/diet coke cans/cigerettes in the garbage
2.  Get in the other's car and 'look for signs' what kind of signs? I'm not sure.
3.  Look for suspicious e-mails in the other's e-mail box.
4.  Try to find out who he has been calling on the cell phone and for how many minutes he spoke with them, and what time of day he spoke with them.
5.  Leave out pamphlets or books that the other person would definately benefit from reading.