The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you read my post from yesterday and last week....here is the latest:
My AH did leave yesterday. He was gone by the time I got off of work @ 4:00. He loaded up his clothes, put his car on his trailer and hooked that to his truck and off he went. He got my yard done, finished up some projects around my house and had a long talk w/our 13 year old son.
Now the verdict is still out as to whether he actually made it out of town or headed over to his crack friend's house to get high. But I am hopeful he made it out of town. I am hoping his sister (where he is supposed to be going) will call their mom to let her know when he arrives.
Now I am glad that he is gone. I feel like I can finally get settled into my new house, get organized, finish unpacking, relax, come and go as I please w/out worrying about what he has planned. But for some reason last night I was searching my house to see if he left me a note of some sort. He did leave my wedding rings that he asked for Sunday night. But no note. And I have checked my messages to see if he has called me to say anything. Why is this? This is what I wanted. It is what I have wanted for a long time. And I am truly fine with it. Maybe I am just looking for something that will tell me this is really it....he is gone and won't be coming back. I know he didn't want to go. He told me he was hoping I'd ask him to stay...but I didn't. Am I expecting him to beg me? I don't want that b/c I don't to feel guilted into letting him stay. I know what I want. I what is right for me and the kids.....but I am just having this nagging feeling of still wanting him to leave me a little something, some glimmer of - OMG!!!!!! I just figured it out. Right in the middle of typing....I figured it out. THANK YOU MIP!!! I want him to apologize for all he has done. I think I am wanting to find a note that tells me that he loves me and he is so sorry for hurting me and the kids...telling me that he is going to work hard on his recovery and get better so he can be a dad for our kids....that he doesn't hate me for pushing him away or blame me for it.....that even though I want a divorce, he will still be there for the kids and me if I need him. Reassurance. I am looking for reassurance that things will be ok between us later on down the road....that he won't hate me. Wow! That is what I am looking for. But why? Why do I care so much about that? I reckon that will hit me eventually too. Thanks for listening.
I think we don't let go of the hopes and dreams we entered our marriage with, all at once. You can know in your mind that it is best if it is over, but it might take your heart a little while to catch up. Give yourself some time, be honest with yourself, and I bet you'll come to terms with these feelings.
Thank you. I reckon you are right. My brain and heart are not exactly in agreement right now. Although my heart is hurting.....I guess it still loves. ;)
QOD wrote: I want him to apologize for all he has done. I think I am wanting to find a note that tells me that he loves me and he is so sorry for hurting me and the kids...telling me that he is going to work hard on his recovery and get better so he can be a dad for our kids....that he doesn't hate me for pushing him away or blame me for it..... Sincerely, QOD
Oh my goodness just like I say t in my dreams every night. Souds to me like your A has been real nice lately, which is how mine gets when he is truly sorry but is not the "I'm sorry" type. Oh what a wonderful gift to recieve it in plain English...or even Spanish, or American sign or something. Don't give up hope. I am proud of you and the struggle you went through.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
does not surprise me hon. it is the disease you wanted gone, not him. sadly they are in the same body...
i still go to the mailbox and hope he sent me a note.
but I know my A, that I had leave, thinks I hate him and never want to see him again. he is so humiliated and ashamed that he does not think he deserves to touch me in any way.
Praying for you friend. I don't know if you'll EVER get the "I'm sorries", I know I sure didn't! My ex bought the house across the road from me so he could harrass me for the rest of my life! He ended up moving far away, but it took him a LONG LONG time to realize that it was really over for me. He told his friends that all he had to do was snap his fingers, and I'd be back. It took him a couple years to realize that wasn't EVER gonna happen!
Praying for serenity for you, and new beggingings for you in your new home, with love and TLC
Congrats girl, you survivied. It may not be over yet, have you changed the locks, got caller id? Just some thoughts, these guys don't give up easy sometimes and have lapses too. I hope you learn how to dettach by phone faster than I did. I kept thinking I had to answer it because it migt be something important instead of letting it go to voice mail. Once I figured that out, he quit calling unless it was really important.
Julianne
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I thought I might get a little sorry too, but it never happened. Saying sorry means they did something wrong and it's so hard for them to admit anything to anyone that reveals their insides which are full of shame, guilt and regret. My AH has been in the program over a year and either hasn't reached that step or isn't ready to fully deal with it yet. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago and he came to help out with the kids one night. I heard him talking to an AA friend on the phone and he said, "...maybe this is me making amends." I don't know if I was suppose to hear or not, but it's the closest he's come to saying out loud what we both know the last ten years have been like for me. When he first started the program I think I expected some kind of sorry very quickly, but through al-anon I reminded myself to concentrate on me and what I'm doing and not worry about anything he may or may not do. Over time, I've reached the point where it doesn't really matter if he apologizes for anything or not. What's done is done. I'm in a better place now because of his disease which lead to al-anon, so that's apology enough for me.
I have found the A I live with rarely if ever says sorry. I craved it for a long long time. I never got it. I still would like it. So you are definitely not alone. I would expect to have grief. I know when the day comes that I can do the plan b all the way through I will be incredibly sad.
