The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone , i walked out on my husband of 15 years in october he had a bad alcohol problem and eventually after many years of mental abuse he turned violent , i left for my own sanity and my two kids sake he has begged me to give him another chance but i cant , i declared myself homeless with the council and after only 6 weeks they gave me a three bed house it was an absolute s***hole but i am getting there in making it mine the only problem is now if he doesnt get his own way about seeing the kids ie i take them to see him every weekend he starts with the death threats so this weekend i had enough and reported him to the police they helped me get my number changed and have advised me to see my divorce solicitior and get an injunction and supervised visits for him with the boys but sometimes i fell doing this that I am being a bitch??? what do you think? i am at my wits end with it all has anyone got any advice?? thanks
You are really having a hard time of it, the important thing is you keep yourself and the kids safe.
The fact that you are here and talking about it is a start, keep coming back. I'm sure you'll find comfort here just talking to other people, most of us have experienced what you're experiencing, some of us still are.
Welcome to MIP. In Al-anon we try not to give advice; but the main focus is definitely on you and I agree, you have to do what is necessary for yours and your childrens safety.
Unfortunately it sounds like your husbands disease is controlling his actions right now.
Please do whatever it takes to keep you and your children safe.!
You are doing the right thing!!!! NO your not a bitch!!! You need to keep your serenity for you and your kids sake. ODAT Sweetie. Remember "don't pi$$ on today. If the police felt you needed to change your phone number and the boys needed supervised visits then that's probably what is needed esp. when he is sounding so unstable. Please remember where you came from and where you are now.... see how much you have grown, and remember that we are here for you always.
I'm with abbyal.. I don't think your being a bitch at all, even if you were...... I'd rather be considered a bitch anyday... then a dead bitch. You never know when someone can snap and the threat becomes a reality.
Take extra care.. Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
If you've been spending the last few years (and who knows, maybe much of your life) not doing what is right for you, but always caving to the bully, then standing up for yourself will feel weird. It's not that it's wrong, it's just that you are not used to it. Think about it - if you had spent the last ten years walking all hunched over, it would feel strange and not too good to stand up tall. Give yourself a chance to get used to it.
It is not being a bitch to want to feel safe in your own home, it is not being a bitch to want your children to feel safe. It is not being a bitch to think that your own needs are as important as his. He's gonna try to make you feel bad, but you get to feel what you want.
I'd get as much distance between this guy and my children and I as I could! Death threats???? D-I-V-O-R-C-E...L-E-A-V-E...You also need an order of protection. FAST!!! Don't take chances with you and your precious children. This man is dangerous. Usually we do not give obvious advice, but when the safely of you and your beloved children is as stake, I think you'd be foolish to take any further chances. Having this guy around is like carring a grenade in your pocket...with the ring already pulled!
Please take care and be safe, Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree! Do whatever you have to do to protect those defenseless children and yourself. That's what being a great mother would do (there isn't anything bitchy about that!). Trust your intiution and just keep safe. Consider moving away in order to be able to start over without the abuse. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. We do really care and hope that you know that there are plenty of other women in this group who can relate, firsthand to what you've been through.
Best wishes. It's good that you've contacted the police. Don't ever be afraid to do that.
i have moved away from him but the problem is now he wants to move to where i am to be nearer the children... supposedly! anyway i am in the process of divorcing him and i have an appointment with my solicitor on monday to ask for an injunction and supervised visits as now he is threatening to take the boys to ireland if he gets the chance!! i want the injunction because his dad has helped him find a house near me and i feel he is going to be on my doorstep everytime he is drunk!! thanks for all your great advice and words of encouragement its nice to now that i am not on my own!!!
Glad you are here maria .... and glad you are taking steps to help you and the kids.
Please take care of yourself during all this ... and keep the police updated always during this time and your phone handy! His threats are nothing to take lightly.
My sister just left her husband after 11 years. I mean literally JUST DID IT 2 weeks ago. She has suffered years and years of physical, verbal, emotional and mental abuse. He threatened to kill her in front of the kids one morning. She left that morning like she was going to work and never went back. I managed to get her to file for a temporary protection order and she filed for custody of the kids through Social Services and the Majestrates office. This was all done Free of Charge due the circumstances. Now the actual divorce procedures are going to cost out of the rear.....but at least right now she and the kids are safe and he cannot contact them in any way or come w/in 300 ft of them for 1 year (it may even be 2 years).
Now I dont' know about your exact situation. I just wanted to let you know what my sister did. Here where we live there are 3 stipulations you can use to file for a protection order & obtain temporary custody of your children. One of three must happen with the last 3 days.....getting physically hit, life threatened verbal or physically, your passage from point A to point B is blocked (this can be from exiting a room or from your car, blocked against a wall so you do not have free passage....many things apply). Anyway, you have to say one of these things has happened and that is that. At least where I live.
You have to do what you feel is right for you and your kids. Y'alls safety should ALWAYS come first. Good Luck and keep posting. We are here for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sincerely, QOD
Welcome to the MIP family. NO! You are not being a bitch. The first priority is the safety of you and your children. Bottom line: take care of you and your family. It doesn't matter what the A thinks and feels at this point. His disease is not worth risking your life or those of your children. Take good care of you and your children. Please keep coming back.
Live strong, Karilynn
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i left because after many years of verbal abuse he threatened to kill me which i had heard on several occasions and ignored but on the last occasion he actually flew at me grabbed me by my hair dragging me back into the house then he pinned me to the couch with all his weight which beleive me he is a big guy then when he finally let go of me he was brandishing a knife and said if i tried to leave with the boys he would gut me! the boys at the time where outside in the car screaming with fear because they could hear me screaming anyway he let me get the boys out of the car and when we came back into the house he also threatened my eldest boy (9 years old) that if he didnt behave he was going to slit his throat in his sleep!! anyway later that day when he fell asleep drunk we made our sharp exit and never returned he found out that i had gone to my elderly parents home and he said if i stayed there he would blow it up with all of us in it so i stayed at a friends instead. Now he knows my new address and is moving near to us so i will have to see my solicitor and get some type of protection as i dont feel safe in my own home in fact i am terrified not just for me but for my boys my younger son is only just 1
(((((((Maria)))))))) Your question is a recurring theme on this site ... you are at the right place, and I hope you will keep coming back. imho, what you are doing is not being a bitch, you are taking care of yourself and protecting your children. I've said this before on this site ...my basic question to you is how would you feel if you did not file the injunction and get supervised visits for him with the boys and then he followed through with the death threats or something else bad ... all because someone put into your head that if you set a boundary to protect you and your kids you are being a bitch?
It crosses my mind that in Al Anon we all learn that it is not only OK, but it is part of our recovery to (with pure motives) put ourselves first in terms of taking care of ourselves. Not that we don't care for others, but we learn that we can't really take care of others until we take care of ourselves. So, wouldn't Al Anon support you setting what boundaries you need (based on past behavior) to protect yourself and your minor children? I, too, was once faced with a similar choice and I did not act to protect me or the kids, because, in part, of his feelings, and that the emotional abuse over the years had me confusing the difference between standing up for myself and being a bitch. I made the wrong choice. You know in your gut what to do, I can feel it in your post. Trust your gut. Take what you want and leave the rest, Yours in recovery, emma
I am glad you are here. Isolation is a huge part of my i ssue. I am so sorry to hear you have had to deal with so much violence. I hope your husband will in time get help. Maybe it will take court order for him to do tha.t
What shines through is that you did't choose to leave he made you.
I am familiar with being called a bitch. I think I've been labelled that by the A whenever he didn't get what he wanted.
