The material presented
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Well, it is Monday afternoon 3:30. Still no word from hubby. And I will be darned if I will call him. He told me not to, and I ALWAYS do what he says....yeah, right. Anyway, I am still breathing. Heart hurts, but I made it thru the day at work without incident. He has been gone since I got home Sat. afternoon from work, left me a note that he would not be home, and to not call him. This was after he tried to fight with me Fri. night over plans I had made. I miss him......but I am glad he is not here if he is going to be mean. I keep asking myself.... Why do I love him? Why do I stay? Why does he hate me so much? Well, actually I know the answer to the last question. The disease. It is always the stinking disease. I honestly do not know how I would survive without MIP and Alanon, and all of you here. He says he cannot trust me. I think it is himself he cannot trust. I am praying for HP to be with me thru whatever comes. I am better than I used to be, back in the old days, but it still hurts. I wonder if that hurt will ever go away. When we were apart for 9 years, and I was married to someone I did not love, I ached every. single. day. Sounds weird, I know. I keep asking HP to help me to understand why THIS man? Why have I been able to walk away from everyone else in my past, but him. I am so confused. Is this where I am supposed to be? Is this where HP wants me? Is there a reason for all of this? Am I waiting for a big truck to run me over to make me decide to move on and forget this whole marriage? I seriously don't know. All I know is that if anyone is going to leave, it is gonna have to be him. Not that I cannot make it on my own because I can. Did it lots of times before, when I had a little girl to take care of. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like there is something physically connecting me to him, somehow......am I crazy?
Oh, God, please help me understand.
Please keep me in your prayers. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Hate that you are going thru this painful time - Please try to do something nice for yourself this evening - to try to relax your body, mind & spirit. A nice meal, relaxing walk, read a good book, watch a funny movie, or whatever is good "Becky" time. You deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if we could fight something that we can see but we can't and this invisible monster rules our lives.
I agree with Rita, do something for YOU. If you have a sponsor call her, if you can get yourself to a f2f meeting tonight then go, I know that is the one place I always feel safe because I am among people that will love me no matter what and they understand my pain.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Oh Dear Becky, I know what you're going through, believe me! How many times have I asked myself the very same questions? And, I'm sorry, but I haven't found the answer!! Personally, I guess I think there is one special soul-mate for each of us. My ex wasn't the one, that's for sure! It looks like my A is the one. No matter how I tried to get him out of my life, when he was gone, I missed him so bad, it nearly drove me around the bend.I kept concentrating on all the horrible things he had done to me and said to me. I prayed to HP to help me get over him, but I couldn't. He is the love of my life. I feel like I went through H___ and back with him, but.... there is still hope! Each year, he has less and less binges, and we grow closer and closer. The turning point for me was when I found this board and the wonderful people here. I learned to detatch with love, started concentrating on ME, and honest to God didn't care if he drank or not at one point. I had figured it was my destiny to be with this man, no matter what happened, so I just decided to take it in stride, and start to enjoy what I could of my life. Back then, it wasn't much of a life. My whole world had been wrapped up in him for so long (actually only a couple years, but it felt like forever, lol!) I started going out on my own and doing things I used to enjoy, nothing too drastic, just shopping at my favorite second-hand stores, but I was doing something for ME. Anyway, I guess once he saw me drifting in another direction, he must have thought he'd better smarten up, or I'd leave him behind? I really don't know, but once I had changed, he started to change. From then on, things got better and better. ( also, I had stopped nagging about the drinking, I was happier, and so was he). Now, at this moment in time, I know I have lost the art of not caring if he drank or not, I'd really freak out! It happens all over again, it breaks my heart, it hurts sooo much, even though I know the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I cant cure it! I know this, but... it doesn't stop the pain. I realize he isn't doing this to hurt me, it's the da_n disease! I know if he were to decide he was going to drink, and I stood in his way, he'd walk right over me to get to that darn bottle. I can't give up hope, he's my love, there is always that doubt, it just won't go away. But I am very, very happy with this man 99% of the time. Happier than I have ever been with any other man. I thank my HP many times for the happiness I have found. As you said, you know it isn't that he hates you, the disease hates you. I don't know if what I have shared will help you in any way, I just wanted you to know that I understand, and that I care, keeping you in my prayers, TLC
I hear your story. I ask myself the very same questions. Why do I love him? No matter what he has done and said in my heart of hearts I still love him and miss him so much. Why do I stay? Well, he left and has done some mean things so why don't I file for divorce? Why does he hate me so much? After so many years of saying I love you. It is the disease that runs the show. And the disease is self centered. I do know that we have to keep making progress as individuals and stay in recovery and work the program. It does no good if both of us go down the tubes. I think that our HP's if we listen close enough will give us a sign to stay or move on.
You have been and will continue to be in my prayers. I am so sorry you are hurting, but know if you trust your HP, you will do and feel what you are supposed to. I love you and care about you, dear friend.
I try to remind myself to spend some time and focus on breathing. Just letting it all go for a few minutes. saying; "IT IS O K ~ I understand its not for me to take it all on myself. HP guide me." I visualize those words or an image lifting up and rising above me and away... away from me. Away to be cared for by my HP/God. The Relaxation ( breathing & focusing on letting it all go ., so as to relax.) I am then more able to set myself aside from those "what ifs," or "I should of" or "if only" s. I can more easilyfocus on what to do to make the environment., the elements, around me, within me, more peaceful and healthy for myself and those I love.
.) I am then more able to set myself aside from those "what ifs," or "I should of" or "if only" s. I can more easily focus on what to do to make the environment., the elements, around me, within me, more peaceful and healthy for myself and
those I love. 
!