The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let me first begin by saying my husband is not an A.
I have been reading alot of posts today about wives living with a sober A. I am not living with a sober A but I feel I need to apply the same principals to my marriage. We are empty nesters and my oldest son is the A that has gotten the focus the past year. This seems to cause many problems with my husband. I don't think he even likes him anymore and that hurts me so much. He will not go to Alanon because he thinks he has all the answers. He is so irritable and snappy that I do not like being around him anymore. You cannot talk to him about something he does not agree with. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him. It is so frustrating!
Yesterday at church the message was on marriage. He talked about how a man should love his wife and a wife should respect her husband. That really hit home with me because I really don't think I have been respecting my husband unconditionally. Yesterday, I tried not to engage in harsh words with him when I felt the need to lash out. I'll tell you...it was very hard. There were 2 times that I just let him blow off at me and I walked away. I did not stay around for the argument. I felt good although it is not an easy thing to do. It is so easy for me to retaliate with harsh words.
Along with Alanon and the message I got from church yesterday, I am going to try and do my part in this relationship and hope that it rubs off on him, because we do love each other very much. It has been a stressful year for all concerned.
Gail-good for you! This is the best program on earth, because we can apply all the principles that we learn-to ALL aspects of our life. My DH often goes on and on about politics etc. and before I would just yap away, blah, blah! But I am learning to keep quiet-and he soon gets the message and he quits! Such a great program.
It is difficult to seperate ourselves and not take our husband's emotions personally - especially when it is about our children.
I think that it is great that you are trying to walk away - not get drawn into the argument. Remember that more likely than not - this is really not about you - it is about your H not dealing with his feelings/emotions in a healthy recovery way. He too has been affected by the disease, but has not come to a point where he is ready to look for the help that you are finding.
This doesn't mean you have to tolerate unacceptable behavior - please do take care of you - walk away, ask him not to use that tone with you, use the healthy compassion that your program gives you with him. Attraction rather than promotion - maybe one day - as there is always hope one day that our A's will find recovery - maybe one day those loved ones of ours that are "untreated al-anon's" may find a way to recover from the way that the disease has affected them, too.
Love & Hugs, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Good for you! I like trying to apply the Alanon principals to other aspects of my life. Mainly the tool box comes in handy at work these days: HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? THE SERENITY PRAYER. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I keep my coin close at hand, and clutch it when things get tense. I am finding I am not involving myself in issues that are none of my business or just aren't important enough to get entangled with. I am trying to remember that I work with human beings, and they have their own quirks. I try really hard to remember that with the customers. I think it is great that we can use this program in other parts of our lives.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hello Gailey , this program works i all relationships because of this program I am a better mother today , better daughter, better wife and friend . Today I truly am grateful that I have a alcoholic in my life ,orI wouldt have found this wonderful guide for living life to the fullest. I came because or him I stayed for me. Louise
Funny you should bring this up - i have a difficult situation in a volunteer job because of a co worker who is a real jerk. How do I keep my own integrity, while still maintaining professional solidarity - can't tell the client that we are both involved with "The reason you are having so much trouble is because Ron is crazy."
The answer is - use my tools, just take the part of it that is mine.
Sounds like you are dealing with denial. I deal with that day in day out with the A. I have also dealt with it at work and beyond.
For me personally there was a great deal of grief around having the relationship I felt I deservd. I railed, grieved and vented for a long time. I still vent but not in the same way I once did so compulsively.
Please come here and share often. I know it helps. I have gained so much from being in this group for a year.
I like trying to apply the Alanon principals to other aspects of my life. Mainly the tool box comes in handy at work these days: HOW IMPORTANT IS IT? THE SERENITY PRAYER. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I keep my coin close at hand, and clutch it when things get tense. I am finding I am not involving myself in issues that are none of my business or just aren't important enough to get entangled with. I am trying to remember that I work with human beings, and they have their own quirks. I try really hard to remember that with the customers. 
I think it is great that we can use this program in other parts of our lives.