The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling today with keeping my mouth shut. I feel angry at my AH. Even though he's not drinking since October. I am tense and irritable when he is around me. He is disengaged from me and that's as hurtful to me as if he were spewing out insults. He wakes up. Doesn't say anything to me or our son. Makes coffee, goes and smokes cigarettes, uses the washroom, sits and stares at the floor. All with saying nothing. He can't be bothered to say good morning. Neither can I.
He asks me if our son is going to the hardware store with him (as they had planned last night.) I say, "Is that what you promised him last night" He says, "yah, I don't know if he wants to go". I say, "well, I guess you have to decide if it is important for you to keep that promise or not" He huffs and walks out of the room.
I call him on that. "Why are you getting angry? Why are you walking away?" He responds with a look of terrible confusion saying, "what are you talking about? I'm going to the store?" I say, "...but we are talking here...why are you walking out, while we are talking?" He huffs and sits down again, to stare at the floor like a child enduring his lecture. I tell him that I feel a great amount of turmoil around him. That the arrangement he made with our son, has nothing to do with me, so why is he asking me if our son is going. he says he's just wondering if I am going or not. I say, "that's not what you asked, you asked if our son is going. I told you you'd have to decide if keeping your promise was important to you. You got mad and huffed out" he says, "right, to go to the store" with a terrible look of irritation and frustration. I feed into it, I say " you behave so hurtfully and then try to back out of it as though those getting hurt are the ones with the problem. You are a very sick man. Very emotionally unwell and it makes me very sad that you can't see that." He says, "what are you talking about, I don't hardly say anything" I say, "right, that's it....you know it hurts me for you to be detached and disengaged, which is why you do it." He gets up and walks out, again. He goes to the store after I convince our son that DAddy wants to take him to the store to get the screw they need for his toy. My AH couldn't be bothered to encourage our son to go or remind him why. (our son is 2...he needs some reminding!)
argghhhhhhhhhhh.... they are gone now. I am here, feeling frustrated and angry and like life would be so much less tense if AH were not here, in my day to day. But, as I mentioned before, it's the Momma guilt. How do I take away my son's Daddy? How do I explain that? I grew up without a Daddy due to losing my Dad when I was 3 mos old. I always said my child(ren) would NEVER grow up without a Dad, so long as I could avoid it. Is that up to me?
((((Rora)))) Very wise words from Maria, sometimes the less words the better. My AH is still active but I know what you mean about being ignored. There is a difference between detaching and ignoring. Him Sulking around like a child. Sure can wear on the nerves. Be sure to do something nice for you and your child every single day. I find it keeps the resentment level down if I treat myself kindly. There are days he sure doesn't, so I have to. Keep coming back. It is bound to get better, the more you learn. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Hi Rora, In response to your last question. No, I don't think it is up to you to keep your son's father in his life. I think that just like it is his choice to be sober or drink, it is his choice(responsibility) to be in his son's life. It is not your choice or responsibility. I say that only because I need to hear it myself. I am in a similar situation and have not taken the step to separate from my A b/f, but I strongly feel that my daughter will have a better role model in me, if I stand up for myself. Set boundaries, which may include living separately. I realize having been apart from my b/f (due to jail) that I haven't been helping him at all and in the process I have been hurting myself. Take care of yourself.
Say what you mean, but don't say it mean. Fake it 'til you make it.
It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment from the past, not just the present. I have been there, done that! I often didn't/don't realize when I am presenting an aura of resentment, but my AH does...and guess what he does...clams up, avoids me, acts defensive.
I try to remain calm at all times, be polite, and treat him the way I wish to be treated...the good old Golden Rule. I also work on taking my own inventory and not his. I am usually able to work through my feelings by taking my inventory, but sometimes a good walk, book, date with a friend work too. Good luck and take care of yourself!
You can't make him be the person you want him to be, but you can make YOU be the person you want to be, or at least take steps in that direction.
If a "Good morning" in the morning is important to you, then say it, whether or not you get one back.
If you think your son would enjoy a trip to the hardware store, take him.
The less we try to manipulate others into giving us what we need, and just take steps to get what our needs filled, in whatever way works, the less resentment we have. You are powerless over his actions, but you are not powerless. YOU have choices.
I can relate very much. I try to work really hard not to let the A get under my skin. Some days I do better than others. I also can relate to my frustration at the A's lack of responsibility.
These days I focus on my responsibilty to myself. I try to be responsible to myself. I don't ignore him but I don't osbess or focus solely on him too. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days. I have them. I have less of them now though. The fights with the A are less.
I let him take responsibiliity for what he does. I used to pick it all up for him.
I hope this group will help you. I can't even quantify how much it has helped me.
